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Transcription:

Newtown Pippin Apple Review

“Long Island’s Sand-Filled Condom”

19
Vomitous Filth

:medal_sports: #3 RANKED CIDER APPLE

This sand-filled condom from Long Island was choked down in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson at Monticello, George Washington at Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he declared it his favorite apple. Perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries like the crumbling democracy the Founding Fathers established. Or perhaps, after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat, these wooden-toothed slave owners’ tastebuds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today’s world, aside from being excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should’ve been abolished during the reign of King George III.

BONUS POINTS: +1 Cider

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:mushroom:: YESSSSSS
I LOVE APPLE RANKINGS DOT COM
WHAT A FANTASTIC WEBSITE TO EXIST TYSM FOR SHARING IT

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Doing dramatic readings of random apples is always an extremely fun time.

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I keep wanting to do this as like, a charity stream redemption or something (or maybe a charity stream itself, idk).

I fell in love with the description for the SnapDragon a few months ago for many reasons but especially because I can’t help but read “Monster Crunch” as like some kind of wrestling or demolition derby announcer: “M-M-M-MONSTER CRUNCH!!!”

SnapDragon apple review:
"This chomp-worthy newcomer from Cornell University’s Apple Breeding Program is the company rival to the parallel developed Ruby Frost. But that thick-skinned ice queen is incinerated by the SnapDragon’s crisp flesh, exceptional juiciness, and expectation-surpassing “Monster Crunch.” A semi-unsightly mythical offspring of the Honeycrisp, the fantastically branded SnapDragon is endowed with its mother’s best familial qualities that have secured the reign of her wide-ranging empire for the past several decades.

However, if the Honeycrisp empire were bequeathed to the SnapDragon it would quickly fall. Despite its titanic crunch, mellow flavor notes of what some may describe as “vanilla” or “melon” are far too understated to keep the masses satiated for long. Additionally, with a tree that “lacks vigor”, this dragon has proven to be a monster of a problem for apple breeders hoping to spread their wings beyond New York State."

We ended up buying a bag and they were very hardy and made for excellent apple turnover filling. The crunch was good, idk if I would (or would want to) call it “monstrous” though

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