PART 2: THE STORY SO FAR
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Last time, Joseph Joestar landed in Japan to bail his asshole grandson out of jail and teach him about Stands, spectral manifestations of will. He claimed this was all related to their bloodline’s fated enemy, someone named Dio. Fitting, since 7SU is a JRPG and we all know that JRPGs end with killing God.
The group has lunch at a local cafe to chat about genealogy. Nothing like a public location to hash out your family troubles.
Every Part’s protagonist has a name that can be shortened to “Jojo” (most likely in reference to Get Back by The Beatles), hence the series title. In Eastern countries, one’s family name usually comes first, so our current Jojo is Kujo Jotaro.
Abdul: Heh… But when you think about it, our evil spirits are equally unbelievable, aren’t they?
Jotaro: …
Jotaro: Not as much as an Egyptian guy or my racist grandpa knowing perfect Japanese. When’d you pick that up?
Abdul: We watched all of Combat Mecha Xabungle while in transit… that was sufficient to glean the basics.
Joseph: I’ll show you… Truth is, Jotaro… One year ago, I discovered that I also have the same kind of evil spirit as you - a Stand!
Holly: Is that true, Papa!?
Jotaro: What did you say, Gramps!?
Joseph: Look closely! This is my Staaaaaaaand!
Jotaro: … what the hell, Gramps?
The manga identifies the camera in question as a Polaroid Sun 670, which… almost certainly would not have retailed for $300. The “original” instant Polaroid, the SX-70, retailed for $180 when it launched in the 70s.
Jotaro: You can’t use anything cheaper?
Joseph: You expect me to use a 640 like a filthy commoner?
Imagine your first day on the job at a fancy cafe when three foreigners and the biggest teenager you’ve ever seen sit down and start karate-chopping a Polaroid. They probably didn’t even leave a tip.
Abdul: Nothing that concerns you. Begone.
The waiter sulks away behind the text box.
Joseph: Pay attention, Jotaro! The image this photo shows… will decide your fate!
Jotaro: …? What do you mean?
Joseph: I’m sure you’ve never examined it carefully… but on the very base of my neck, there’s a star-shaped birthmark.
Jotaro: Why do you mention it?
Joseph: I heard from my mother that my late father also had this very birthmark. I imagine all those of the Joestar bloodline must have it.
Jotaro: So what exactly is on that photo?
You didn’t pay it any mind because it didn’t exist! It had to be retconned in!
Abdul: Get on with it, Mr. Joestar!
Kakyoin: Get on with it!
Polnareff: Oui, get on with it!
Iggy: -woof yelp woof bark-
GET ON WITH IT!
Jotaro: Show us what’s on that photo!!
Jotaro: …
Jotaro: How does that make ANY sense?
Part 1 of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure - retroactively named Phantom Blood - follows the life of Jonathan Joestar and his nemesis Dio Brando. The first leg of the story depicts their childhoods, when the orphan Dio is adopted by the Joestars as a gesture of kindness to his deceased father. Dio attempts to worm his way into become the sole successor of the wealthy Joestars, while secretly tormenting Jonathan at every turn.
Dio’s scheme is not revealed until many years later, at which point he uses an ancient artifact to transform himself into a vampire and escapes. Jonathan and his companions - Robert Edward O. Speedwagon and Italian wizard Will Zeppeli - go on a brief quest to defeat Dio using the power of “Hamon”/“Ripple”, a magical martial art that channels solar power.
After much sacrifice, Dio is vanquished, but he decapitates himself before the Ripple can destroy his brain and secretly escapes. As Jonathan and his wife sail to America for their honeymoon, Dio’s head ambushes him, causing the ship to explode. Jonathan sacrifices himself to allow his wife, their unborn child, and an orphaned baby to escape, dragging Dio down into the depths.
…Until now.
She left out the part where Jonathan punched through a solid brick wall so hard that it caused Zombie Jack the Ripper to literally melt? Weird oversight.
Joseph: He caused the stock crash last year too! AND I bet he’s the Unabomber!
Jotaro: I thought you said he’s only been back FOUR years?
Joseph: I didn’t crush a cop’s hand with a bottle cap during the war to take lip from you, kid.
Abdul: It’s very likely that Dio’s awakening has in turn awakened your own dormant abilities.
Joseph: Abdul. Can you determine his location from this photo?
Abdul: I am a fortune teller, Mr. Joestar, not a GPS system. And if I may say, your Stand has a poor sense for working the aperture.
Joseph: I see. What about my grandfather’s workout routine? Can you make out anything about that?
Joseph: Sorry Holly, but it looks like we’re going to have to park ourselves at your place here in Japan for a little while.
Joseph: At least until I figure out how Grandpa got so shredded…
Meanwhile, an indeterminate distance away…
A mysterious figure stands atop a staircase, surrounded by corpses drained dry of blood.
???: Jonathan’s descendants… no doubt… This body seems to be sending out a signal somehow…
???: I knew I shouldn’t have gotten it chipped…
???: So be it… I suppose this is destiny…
We fade out one more time, entering another dimension - a dimension of sound, of sight, of mind, shadows and substance, things and ideas. We are entering… the Fanfic Zone.
Don’t I fucking know it. I can only upload four images at a time!
Next time… we meet our REAL protagonist.