This must be the work of an enemy Stand! - Let's Play JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we deduced Kakyoin was a fake because he was somehow acting even creepier than usual, then boarded a train to India. Prepare yourself for some more incredibly unflattering depictions of foreign countries from Japan’s perspective.

In case you needed a reminder that Joseph is British. Yikes.

I’ve gotta start addressing all the white people I know with “Fear not, my lily-white friends!” A fair percentage of them are lesbians too so I’d really be getting that bang for my buck.

Abdul: Well, shall we be going? To Calcutta!

Checking my files here and yeah I ain’t uploading all these crowd screenshots, sorry. You get the digest version.

Various People in Crowd:

• Very Shady Man: Want to convert your dollars? I’ve got the best rates in town!
• Questionable Man: Want some stomach medicine? It’s good for you!
• Medicine Man: Hello, friends! I’ve got hash here! Mary-jane! Cheap, quality stuff!
• Filthy Man: Need a hotel? I’ll show you one!
• Oddball: I’ll sing for you! Aaaahhh ommmm tooooooohhhh…
• Traveling Merchant: Cameras! Watches! Pens! Lighters! Wanna sell? I’ll buy it at a high price!
• Hippie: Want me to introduce you to a nice girl? Very young! No grannies!
• Lost Child: Waaahhh!! Mommyyyy!!
• Delivery Boy: Hey, move it! Can’t you see I’ve got eggs to deliver!?
• Man Sleeping on Sidewalk: Zzz… Zzz…
• Singing Boy: Aaaaahhh… Ohhhhhhh… Somikaaaaiiiinooooooo…
• Man Sleeping on Road: Zzz… Zzz…
• Child: Baksheesh! Baksheesh! Give me!
• Boy: If you don’t give me any, you’ll go to hell, sir!
• Child: Give it to meee!

Tag yourself.

Polnareff: Ewwwww… I just stepped in cow shit!
Kakyoin: Somebody just stole my wallet.
Cascada: I just got pressured into buying something weird…
Joseph: I-I can’t stand this any longer! Hey, taxi! Take me to this address!

Beggars:

• A: Here! I’ll open the door for you, sir! May I have a tip?
• B: No, let me do it!
• C: I was here first!
• All: Give us money! Give us money!

Polnareff: Hey! Don’t wipe your nose on me!
Joseph: A-Abdul… Is this really India?

You’re pretty alright, Abdul.

It’s hub time again! I didn’t think about this in the first 7-8 updates but as they become more common my workload has substantially increased!! Oops!!!

Cascada: Sure, seeing as I’ll be killing like a hundred of them by the time I get back to the hotel.

PDB / Rohan:

Heh heh… A ghost friend of mine told me about 'em. Apparently, even if you defeat the user, the Stands won’t disappear. Thinking that was odd, she tracked down the source. Element of Freedom… That’s the name of the Stand! The user is a woman named Alicia, and she’s not working for Dio! That’s all she knew, but I looked into the matter for myself…
She can change the flames of life into Stand form. Those who are possessed by the Stand can gain its abilities and create more of them. Its goal is to propagate by sapping away the life energy of others… Kind of like sowing seeds. I’m not entirely sure what she’s using those Stands for… Maybe she’s a member of the group called the Slaves to something-or-other?

There’s your explanation for the Burns/Spirits family of enemies. Not necessarily inherently evil or malicious, but easily co-opted by those who are. I guess there are enough assassins targeting us at all times that its only natural the will-o-wisps do too.

Restaurant check time. Alas, I believe Joseph’s running food commentary only happens in Hong Kong and Singapore.

Chai just means tea, but this probably is referring to the famous masala chai (the stuff marketed in the west as just “chai”) with various spices in it. “Fish Johl” is most likely machher jhol, a spicy fish curry. Shukto is a bitter vegetable curry, and mutton is sheep meat.

Aside, since I’m also guilty of it just now: the term “curry” comes from a Tamil word for “sauce”. The British looked at various distinct Indian dishes with sauces or gravies and were content to lump them all together as “curry”, which is kind of like if you looked at every single kind of noodle soup in East Asia and lumped them all together as “ramen”. Or, if you want a decidedly worse analogy, it’s like how your parents looked at all of your different video game consoles but still called them all “Nintendo”.

Cascada: …Steel, is she here? Vins? If you give me that “ohhhh I’m prerecorded” shit…
Steel: …I’m just a fragment, a memory. I can only tell you what I can sense right now…
Cascada: -sigh- Fine. Hit me.
Steel: So we’ve finally reached India… About time, eh? …I’m sure you’re exhausted, but I doubt these assassins will provide us ample time to rest. The man with two right hands is somewhere here… And one more… A gunman who seems to have been dropped in the wrong era. Both of them should be formidable opponents. Once you’ve prepared, meet with everyone in the hotel restaurant.

As if car accidents don’t happen in Japan. How else would all the stupid isekai bullshit happen? Bad jokes aside, Shibuya Scramble is a genuinely incredible feat and I have no clue how they manage that shit.

In Singapore everyone was at the hotel, but most maps are going to be more like Hong Kong Harbor where the party is scattered around. Abdul is here right outside the inn.

Abdul: Hello. How’s India treating you?
Cascada: That guy earlier sold me something called “Kathmandu Temple Kief” and I’m probably gonna give it a shot later.
Abdul: …I see…

The encounter table in Calcutta isn’t much different from Singapore: Assassins, Murderdolls Lv4, Zombies, Bombs, et cetera. If we hadn’t defeated Kate on the Strength ship, there’d be Green Hornets too, but this is the last map they’d appear in.

There are children all over the map who want money. “Yes” gives them 5G (not that 5G), which has a small chance of lowering your bad karma if you accumulated any and will cause them to follow you around the map.

The Calcutta map is divided by a river into two big chunks, and all the Zombie encounters here are confined to under the bridge.

Italian spotted! Sound the alarm!

Oof. A terrible roll for Cascada and Abdul, who both rely on magic damage.

I feel like the R patch must have slowed him down or something, because in all my previous playthroughs I only caught up to Tonio maybe once. This is like the fourth time now.

The will-o-wisps - or, I suppose, Elements of Freedom - are now a full combo platter. They generally still drop to one Thunder Beam from The Machine, and on the off chance something survives then every other party member also has an all-target attack by now. Prime grinding fodder - I get everyone up to at minimum level 18 by the end of the update.

Cascada: Got any Zojirushi?

Useless scrap, you say? Well, if you remember something that I totally forgot about, then you’ll realize this is far from being mere useless scrap.

Update 3 said…

Pretend that for every mouthful of food or drink Cascada’s had thus far, she’s had to also awkwardly feed loose nuts and bolts into the little skull face on her elbow.

A unique interaction, just for us! 500 G isn’t quite worth it compared to getting some potions from the vending machine (I don’t think you can do this in-battle), but I think it’s a cool detail.

We head north to check out the rest of the map’s east side.

Colonialism at work. My family travelled a lot while I was a kid and pre-teen and I didn’t understand until I was a bit older that it was mostly for mission trips and proselytizing. My brother still does that shit.

yikes

At least the kids are mostly alright. This is some solid advice.

Next door to the church is this building that’d be a weapon shop in any other RPG.

me when I don’t take my ADHD meds (also a lot of the time even when I do)

What kind of asshole would pick “No” in a situation like this?

Cascada: Oh, yeah, I can probably do that. One Heat Ray coming up!
Abdul: Forgive me, but I believe this requires finer control than your Stand is capable of.
Cascada: Come on, when have I ever missed a shot?
Abdul: I do not refer to your aim, but the fact your beams are focused towards killing, not cleaning.
Cascada: I mean… I GUESS you have a point…
Abdul: So you just need someone to pinpoint the flame to the impurities, correct?

Cascada: That’s Abdul for you!
Cascada: Fixing all his problems by burning them.
Abdul: And you do not?
Cascada: Sometimes I spray them with water like unruly cats.

Always nice to help folks out.

Yep, definitely handmade by a guy who died in 1918.

Tonio took most of our cash, so we can’t afford to drop the rest on some dubious medicine. Dubious tomes, on the other hand…

Abdul: Oh, a bookstore! Cascada, would you mind terribly if I were to stop and look for a bit?
Cascada: Yeah, I guess I don’t mind…
Abdul: Sorry! Hmmm… There are a lot of interesting ones here…

Abdul: …Oh no! I-I’m so sorry, Cascada! I didn’t mean to make you wait that long!
Cascada: No, I don’t mind one bit. Is that book interesting? You seemed pretty absorbed in it.
Abdul: Oh, interesting doesn’t even begin to describe it! I love collecting old books like these. Actually, since we’re in India anyway, I’d really like to visit Daryaganj. Maybe I’ll come back once we’ve finished our journey.
Cascada: Daryaganj? Is that a book fair?
Abdul: Yes, a very famous one in Old Delhi. It’s a bustling outdoor market where all sorts of rare publications are bought and sold.
Cascada: Wow… Almost sounds like a festival.
Abdul: Yes, it’s very exciting! I’ll have to show you around someday.
Cascada: Wow, really? I’ll be looking forward to it!

Apparently a specific restaurant in Daryaganj also invented several internationally known Indian dishes, including murgh makhani (butter chicken).

Seeing this event with Abdul does in fact add a new item to our inventory.

Cascada is now a Ripple user, and she didn’t even need to train under an Italian dandy to get there. Joseph can step right off.

Cascada: I can only blaze it SO OFTEN, dude. Maybe next time.

A block or so north of the bookstore is this building.

Fixing the forge with Abdul means the souvenir shop starts selling the Talwar, which is involved in a particularly insane sidequest that involves beating the game at least three times and getting a random drop from a secret superboss. Even if we could afford it, I’ve already messed up the earliest requirements on this playthrough.

Upstairs, there’s this guy.

Cascada: Hey what do you think would happen if I did my Ripple Breathing while smoking that weed I got?
Abdul: Perhaps we could wait to find out until after our journey is over?
Cascada: Look, if you don’t wanna have FUN, just say so.

Cascada: Polnareff, you’d be cool with me smoking this grass with ancient mega-breathing, right?
Polnareff: Err… perhaps ask Mister Joestar…
Abdul: -sigh- I’ll head back to the hotel.

Polnareff is already level 18 from cutting about ten thousand evil freight hooks, and he was also last place in the Best Bud Poll. I do his event and then immediately load a save to keep his FP low.

Cascada: They’ve got books in all kinds of languages.
Polnareff: Oh! T-this book!
Cascada: What is it?
Polnareff: Huh? Oh, er… Nothing! 'Scuse me, sir, but I’ll take this one.
Cascada: ? …Just what kind of book did you buy?

If you ask to see it, Polnareff freaks out and says it’s not for kids; stock joke, laugh track, et cetera. I kinda think it’s funnier if Cascada simply does not give a shit.

Across the bridge we go.

Cascada: What are your feelings on me mega-smoking this presumably cannabis-based product?
Kakyoin: Is that behavior becoming of a lady such as yourself?
Cascada: You’re right, it’d be a waste to do it next to a wet blanket.

There are a couple player Stands that could fix this problem. Arm cannon is not one of them, unfortunately.

Cascada: Should I blast him?
Kakyoin: Murder is generally frowned upon in charming foreign cultures such as this. It’s one of the many beliefs of the Indian people.
Cascada: jesus christ dude listen to yourself

The other houses on the west side are dimly lit, as noted.

Kakyoin: Though I quite like ripe and aged blossoms myself…

Go back to your own game, Aeris.

Cascada: I’m good with the brass knuckles, thanks.

I’m ambivalent on saying phrases like this in a local language if you don’t speak said language. It often strikes me as a bit patronizing, but is it worse to assume they know enough English or whatever to understand you? My father was the kind of person who corrected people on their English and never spoke Cantonese at home, and I just know I’d be totally butchering the random phrases my parents attempted to teach me as a child.

Cascada: Kakyoin! Don’t just use me as an excuse to buy flowers from her!
Kakyoin: Sorry! …But those flowers really suit you.
Cascada: Whatever, at least you’re happy…

I go looking for an event that’s listed as happening in this bottom corner of the map for a few minutes before realizing it’s exclusive to male player characters. Oh well.

Cascada: Kakyoin, do me a favor?
Kakyoin: By all means, Cascada.
Cascada: Give these flowers to someone else and think about why I wanted brass knuckles instead of jewelry.
Kakyoin: -frown-

Time to roll with the Joestars.

Cascada: Weed?
Jotaro: Straight edge for life.
Cascada: And here I thought you cut class to do drugs behind the bleachers and get into fistfights.
Jotaro: I cut class to attend D.A.R.E. meetings… and get into fistfights.

Here’s your hint for how to actually get down under the bridge.

Cascada: Looks like they’ve got Japanese books too.
Jotaro: …Hm? This one’s about boats.
Cascada: “Ship Structural Analysis & Design”… Looks like a difficult read.

Jotaro: …Pretty interesting. This’ll be good for killing time while we travel.
Cascada: You mean you can understand it?
Jotaro: I like the pretty pictures.
Jotaro: Yeah. It’s not that hard once you start to really read it. 300G, huh? I’ll take it.

We head back westward.

If you walk down the center of the bridge/road, this car will absolutely crash into you and deal a bunch of damage. If you’re with Jotaro or have a couple specific player Stands, this happens instead.

Jotaro: Don’t worry, I’ve got this.
Jotaro: -double-fisting spanners- ORAORAORAORAORA

You can only do this after Jotaro buys his ship book on the east side, so it’s pretty easy to miss if you aren’t using a guide.

Vaporizing assassins and changing lives.

Cascada: Sure, why not.

Blood!

Jotaro: ! …It must be a Stand! Ugh… My wrist… It’s mummified! It’s sucking the water out of our bodies! We’d better defeat this thing, fast!

Black Eyed Peas (which only ever reminds me that Fergie’s father was a teacher at my high school for a while) is a bit annoying with its absorbing attacks, but its max HP is low and Cascada is a glass cannon. It doesn’t last long.

It has a decent chance of dropping a Black Tree Fruit (20%+40 HP, 20%+25 SP) and you can do this as many times as you can afford it, but I don’t bother.

Somewhat early FP check. We’re already well past the 30 total FP threshold for unlocking NG+ (the game assumes you’re playing a bit more organically and not hitting every event). Jotaro’s in the lead from the Yellow Temperance fight and Joseph doesn’t have any events in Calcutta (at least not in the route I’m on), so he’s lagging behind. We also want to keep Polnareff’s FP below 10 for a specific reason later.

I’m writing this update only a bit after the Best Buds Poll ended (though it won’t be up for a couple weeks), so I’m a little stumped about how I’m going to handle this going forward. I intend to keep the Joestars and Abdul as even as possible unless some comments really tip the scales, but that’s easier said than done.

Cascada: I can handle myself, old timer. I have an arm cannon.
Joseph: I didn’t team up with a Nazi in the Mexican desert to blow up an ancient super-vampire to take lip from you, kid.

Joseph: Be careful over there.
Cascada: So, I learned about this Ripple thing… Isn’t that what you can do?
Joseph: Ahhh, that brings me back. I suppose India borders Nepal and Tibet, so people might have heard of it around here. And if somebody’s going around making zombies, I’ll need to stay on my toes!
Cascada: How does it work, exactly?
Joseph: By breathing in the correct rhythm, you can generate ripples through your bloodstream that mimic solar rays and channel your vital energy. It’s extremely difficult, even if you’ve got the knack for it.
Cascada: Okay, cool. So, if you were to - hypothetically of course - smoke some serious drugs with this special breathing…

Joseph: Well, I don’t know about smoking, but we snuffed TONS of cocaine during… The War.
Cascada: no wait shit
Joseph: Let me tell you ALL about those days…

Joseph: OH NOOO!!!
Cascada: Oh gosh that looks pretty bad, Mister Joestar. We’d better get you back to the hotel RIGHT AWAY.

Joseph: Does it look infected?
Cascada: You’ll be fine… probably. Let’s get you patched up and have a nice lunch, alright old timer?

See you next time for a big ol’ plot episode!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[barquq]

@Iro

“Fear not, my lily-white friends!”

AYE YO LMAO

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Cascada learned an ancient martial breathing technique from a manual Abdul found at a street stall (watch Kung Fu Hustle, it’s a good movie), provided electricity to those in need, totally failed to smoke some weed, and dealt with a Japanese person’s view of India in 1989.

…prepare yourself for more of that last one, and for a dialogue-heavy update.

Jotaro: It’s pretty cool. I like it.
Joseph: Are you crazy, Jotaro!? You’ve gotta be joking!
Kakyoin: Not so loud, Mr. Joestar.
Cascada: I guess it’s a love-it-or-hate-it kind of place…
Polnareff: Whew! Talk about culture shock…

This section has way more typos and errors than usual. I can’t imagine it’s easy to fan translate an RPG Maker game… or uh, even professionally translate literally anything, now that I think about it.

Polnareff: What a weird looking toilet… Well, at least it’s clean! Nice guys like me, they just can’t stand a filthy toilet! …Nn… Gyaaaaaaaaa!! Waaaaaaugh!!

Polnareff: S-s-s… Suitable!? As if! The… t-t-the… the… The toilet! Look in the toilet!

Polnareff: T-the bowl isn’t the problem here! W… wait! Then… do these pigs eat…!?

Polnareff: W-Wait! Don’t leave me alone in here! …I-I think I’ll just hold it in until I get back to my room…

It’s a bit of a running gag that Polnareff keeps getting attacked or just having trouble when he’s in the bathroom. Keep an eye out for it.

I can relate. Combination wearing glasses and having anxiety means I see a lot of phantom figures juuuust out the corner of my eye.

Polnareff: I can only see him through the mirror! Shit… This isn’t good! Silver Chariot!

Polnareff: W-what!? How!? I’d better get out of here! It has to be a Stand! But… but where’s the user!? Who is he!? It’s too crowded here to tell! Damn it all…!!
Joseph: What happened, Polnareff!?
Polnareff: Just now! That Stand… Finally! Jotaro… I just encountered the Stand that uses mirrors! Finally… I can avenge my sister!

The game gives us an opportunity to save, then drops us outside.

Polnareff: I know my sister’s killer is somewhere in the area… I can’t just wait around until he strikes again! That’s not my style! I’m gonna find him and kill him!
Joseph: Even though you don’t know what he looks like, nevermind his Stand?
Polnareff: I know he has two right hands, and that’s enough! Plus, he knows I’m after him… He’ll be waiting for my move!
Abdul: That’s exactly what he wants! Polnareff. I forbid you from Separating!
Polnareff: What, you think I can’t beat him!?

Polnareff: I’m only going to say this once… I don’t give two shits about Dio! The only reason I joined you in Hong Kong is to get revenge! Jotaro and Joseph understood that, why can’t you!? This is my fight, and I’ll fight it without you!
Joseph: I also think it’s a bad idea, actually.
Jotaro: Yeah, same.
Abdul: …You selfish…! Have you forgotten!? Dio is the one who brainwashed you! Dio is the cause of everything that’s happened to us!
Polnareff: You haven’t lost a sister! You couldn’t possibly understand my feelings!!

Abdul: You know exactly how attractive Dio is! Have you forgotten my story!? It’s extremely important for the full context!
Polnareff: How important could it really be? I’ve forgotten EVERY detail.
Abdul: …You bastard!!

Cascada: Does that mean you’ll take orders from ME?
Polnareff: N-no!
Abdul: You ungrateful little…!!
Polnareff: Ooh, did that hit a nerve!? Don’t forget, you’re the one who threw the first stone!

I checked the tapes and can confirm Adbul did not shove a sword through Joseph’s porridge.

Abdul: Fine. I’m just disappointed in him… I thought he was a better man than that.

Here’s one of the more interesting choices in 7SU, especially if you’re familiar with the plot of the manga.

Could we really live with ourselves if we let the stupid Frenchman get himself killed? Okay, maybe, but we put so much time into training him. Sunk cost fallacy strikes again!

Joseph: What did you say!?
Cascada: I can’t leave him alone in such a dangerous situation! Once he gets his revenge, I’ll bring him back.
Kakyoin: But you’ll be in danger too, Cascada!
Jotaro: This is for Polnareff to deal with himself. We shouldn’t interfere.
Cascada: I know… I understand that. But I can’t let him get into trouble. If anything happens, I’ll call you.
Cascada: And do you REALLY think he can handle even ONE Stand user alone?
All: …

Polnareff: Cascada!? …I’m telling you, no! I need to kill him with my own hands!
Cascada: I know. I won’t interfere, I promise. But there might be other Stand users waiting with him! If so, you’re going to need a hand!
Polnareff: …Are you sure? All right… but don’t push it.

That was easy.

The camera pans up to show two unique sprites, then pans back down.

Polnareff: Which one!? Where is he!?

Hol Horse: Dio promised me quite the sum of money to take you out, you know.
Polnareff: I don’t need your life story, hayseed! Where’s the man with two right hands?

“Hayseed” is a weirdly specific put-down to use here. I’m kind of impressed.

Hol Horse: Geez, you’re impatient! Well, you asked, so I’ll tell you… He came here with me… and he’s close.
Polnareff: What!? Tell me where he is!
Hol Horse: You don’t need to know that… Because I, Hol Horse, will kill you right here!
Polnareff: Yeah, that’s what they all say!
Hol Horse: Pfft…
Polnareff: What? Did I say something funny?

Hol Horse: Heh heh… Can I tell you something? In war strategy, tanks beat soldiers, but mines beat tanks. It’s simple, just like rock-paper-scissors!
Cascada: I don’t think soldiers beat mines, though…
Hol Horse: Same thing goes for your Chariot versus my Emperor! Simply put… Your sword can’t beat my gun!

I looked up what this pun is in Japanese. Hol Horse uses the phrase “弾き” - “hajiki”, slang for “gun” - to describe his Stand, and Polnareff fires back with “おはじき” - “ohajiki”, which is a children’s game where you flick little marbles around (often translated as “tiddlywinks”, a Victorian board game). I’ve seen other translations go for something along the lines of, “My Stand can shoot you” then “Oh, you’ve got a pea-shooter?”, but most official sources have stuck with a Gun->Bum type gag for English.

Polnareff: Wa-hahahahahahahahahaha!!
Hol Horse: Hee hee hee… Hahahahahahahahaha!!
Polnareff: Waaaahahahahahahahahaha!!
Hol Horse: Pfffffthahahahahahahaha!! Gyahahahaha! Hee hee hee hee hee!! Ga-hahahahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahaha… haaa…

Polnareff: ! …His Stand is a gun!?
Cascada: HE’S BEEN SAYING THAT THE WHOLE TIME DUDE

Jokes aside, Hol Horse is a fan favorite largely due to this. We’ve got birdmen that shoot fire, punch-ghosts, evil fishmen, cargo ships, and Hol Horse’s super special power is… a gun. That’s it. It’s not even a laser arm cannon.

Hol Horse: (grin)

Cascada: Polnareff!

Cascada shoves him out of the bullet’s trajectory!

Going with Polnareff pumps his FP by a hefty 3 points, putting him at the 10 FP threshold we were explicitly trying to avoid. Oops… though it shouldn’t matter for much longer…

Cascada: Yes, with your sister’s killer. But that’s a different guy!
Polnareff: Tch! I don’t need your help!

Quicksilver doesn’t get too many unique interactions (the weaker player Stands tend to get more, and you’ve seen by now Quicksilver is a powerhouse), so I definitely wanted to show off this one. Also glad to get a bit more validation that Cascada is in fact kind of a little shit.

Cascada: A Stand… in the puddle!?
Kakyoin: The bullet!!

Shit.

Polnareff: That’s what she gets for trying to tell people what to do… Serves her right.
Kakyoin: ! …What did you just say!?

Another typo spotted.

Polnareff: That’s why I wanted to go alone… Because of people like her.
Kakyoin: How could you say that!? She saved you!
Polnareff: What a nuisance. Making me watch her die like this… What a goddamn nuisance!

We only just became close enough for him to start calling Cascada “The Machine”. Too soon.

Hol Horse: D-damn it, J. Geil! You can’t just do as you please! A-and you! How could you take a girl along with you on a dangerous journey like this!? This was bound to happen!
Kakyoin: Polnareff! Don’t step into their trap. Do you still not understand? What Abdul told you… You can’t fight them alone. You ignored him and went anyway… And now you’re about to do the same thing! You can’t go after them at the risk of your own life, Polnareff!
Polnareff: What do you expect me to do?
Kakyoin: Cascada came here because she was worried about you. We can’t fight blindly… We still don’t know how their Stands work! We have to get away!

Polnareff: Son of a…!
Kakyoin: Now, Polnareff!

Polnareff: Aaah, damn it! Where are you!?
Kakyoin: Calm down, Polnareff!

Polnareff: ! …Bastard!!!
Kakyoin: Polnareff, don’t let him get to you! He’s leading you into his trap!

Hol Horse: Y-yeah… Got it.

Having blasted Polnareff into the truck, Kakyoin jumps in and drives off.

Well, darn. We can’t very well continue the game if Cascada’s brains are splattered all over the dirt. Guess we better load a save and stay with the group instead.

This way, things proceed according to the manga. Abdul secretly follows Polnareff instead and it plays out mostly the same, just with less “I respect women!!” talk.

Abdul: …e-every…
Kakyoin: …d… detail… I’ll remember… -sob-

My apologies to everyone who voted for Abdul in the Best Buds poll. I had to maintain my poker face over him being permanently removed from the party in only a few updates.

Rather than being distraught over killing a woman, Hol Horse is hyped to start shooting the rest of the party. We also finally get his catchphrase here. Several people have voiced him over the years, but I always liked Hochu Ohtsuka’s delivery in the original version of All-Star Battle.

Kakyoin: Do you really get it now?
Polnareff: Yeah.
Kakyoin: Really?
Polnareff: Yeah!
Kakyoin: Hm.

Kakyoin: Take that instead of a handshake, Polnareff.
Polnareff: Yeah… t-thank you Kakyoin! Blugh…
Kakyoin: Next time they come after us… They’ll have to take us both on!
Polnareff: …But I still don’t like this… I definitely stabbed him with my sword… Yet it didn’t do a thing! Even if I break the mirror his Stand is reflected in, there’s no way to damage the Stand itself… My Stand can’t enter the mirror realm! How can I manage a counterattack!? Damn it!
Kakyoin: …Polnareff. You say “mirror realm”… But this isn’t a fantasy novel or a fairy-tale. It’s impossible for that to exist.
Polnareff: …What do you mean!? You saw him too! He only exists inside of the mirror! When I turned around, he was gone!

Polnareff: You don’t need to tell me that! But think about our situation!

Another typo!

Kakyoin: It doesn’t exist.
Polnareff: Man, cut me some slack!

This conversation is particularly funny if you have (future) context from JoJo Part 5, which has a villain-of-the-week with the Stand “Man in the Mirror”. Its power is… trapping people in the mirror realm.

Kakyoin: There’s obviously a trick behind the Hanged Man. If Stands can only be defeated by other Stands… Then he has to have some secret, some weakness… !!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a car with reflective plating on the steering wheel. That honestly just seems like a bad idea.

Kakyoin: Polnareff! He’s in the plating of the steering wheel! He followed us here!

The screen fades out as our panicking heroes crash straight into a brick wall.

Polnareff: Aaaaaaugh!! Chariot!

He slashes the bumper to bits.

Polnareff: I saw him jump from mirror to mirror! It moves by bouncing between reflective surfaces until it reaches us!
Kakyoin: Reflective surfaces…? Then… his Stand works like light!
Polnareff: Kakyoin! If he’s in the bumper, he’ll try to jump from there to here next! Get away from anything reflective, and remove everything shiny from your clothes! Those buttons have gotta go!

Kakyoin: Ugh… That’s just low… First he snuck up on Abdul… And now, knowing we can’t harm this kid, he’s using him… I’ll never forgive this guy!
Polnareff: Tsk tsk, Kakyoin… You said it all wrong! Listen up. When you’re fighting a battle for revenge, you’re supposed to say…

Kakyoin: We’ve all seen that movie, Polnareff…
Polnareff: I have no idea what you’re talking about!
Polnareff: Sorry about this, kid! I’ll buy you a caramel candy later, okay!?

Polnareff: I’m not sure how he does it, but his Stand moves at the speed of light. Normally, I can’t cut something that fast with my sword… But if this kid shuts his eyes, he’s got only one place to run to… mine! I know his trajectory! Therefore, cutting him…

Polnareff: …Is child’s play!

Polnareff: My name is Jean Pierre Polnareff! We’ve seen right through your Stand’s tricks! Moving from mirror to mirror… Reflection to reflection… It’s a Stand of light! It’s too fast to attack with my sword normally… But when it moves between surfaces, it’s completely defenseless! If I slice it in that split-second of motion, it’s history! If not for Kakyoin and Abdul, I might have died never knowing that…

Polnareff: R-rrrgh… You bastard… Cutting up an innocent man…
Kakyoin: How low can you get!? Take this!! Emerald…!

Polnareff: Arrrrrrrrrgghh! J-just get outta here!
Kakyoin: Polnareff! These guys are just innocent bystanders. We can’t afford to let them get injured!

No multi-target attacks for us, and J. Geil’s hiding out at Long range where it’s tough for Polnareff to do optimal damage. Good thing we trained up him on the tanker until he learned a mid-range attack, huh?

Not great, but not bad. How’s Kakyoin’s ranged damage output looking?

That tutorial book in Japan said to try and gain one level per hub zone! I’ve just been doing that! It’s not my fault!

Defeating J. Geil directly nets you a nice, shiny Badge of Honor. But this is one of my favorite fights in Part 3, so let’s see how things work out in the manga.

As a reminder, this is the “win the battle by following the story” command.

Polnareff: You… you son of a bitch!!
Kakyoin: Tsk tsk, Polnareff! You said it all wrong. When taking revenge, you’re not supposed to say “son of a bitch”! Follow my lead…

Kakyoin: You will pay with your life!

Kakyoin tosses the coin high into the air!

Polnareff: Ohhh! I see what you’re up to, Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: Polnareff! Their gaze is focused on a single point!
Polnareff: In other words, his Hanged Man only has one place to run to! Merci, Kakyoin! He’s in their eyes right now! So if I kick up a little dust…

JoJo Part 3 introduced Stands as a concept, and so far most of the battles have been direct contests of power with maybe a smidge of subterfuge. The party beat Dark Blue Moon, Strength, and Devil by punching them real hard. You get the sense Hirohiko Araki was still sort of feeling out the concept and how to make it work.

“Emperor and Hanged Man” is the first battle where the potential of Stands as a storytelling device really clicks. The heroes can’t succeed until they figure out both A) how the enemy Stand works and B) how they can use their own tools (Stand-related or not) to counter those abilities. Within that framework, Araki can write a solid back-and-forth as both sides probe at each others’ weaknesses.

Then next week we can do it all over again with a brand new weird power. That’s shonen battle manga right there; Cursed Techniques, Zanpakuto, Devil Fruits, Quirks… they all trace back to here.

Polnareff: I’ll leave the rest to the devil…
Kakyoin: So that’s the true Hanged Man… The lowest of the low.

In Japanese, Polnareff refers here to Enma here, aka King Yama or Yan-lo, a mythological figure in Asian cultures who judges the evil after death. If you’re around my age, you probably think of the version from Dragon Ball - where he was a big red devil man in a business suit - or Ko(“little”)-Enma from YuYu Hakusho.

With Polnareff’s vengeance complete, we fade to another location. There’s still another Stand user out there.

Hol Horse: Now I’ve got you. You’re in no place to be taking a relaxing stroll!

Polnareff: …
Hol Horse: I’ve caught up to you, so you might as well react a little! It’s the end of your lives! Why not go out in a show of bravery!? C’mon! Show a little backbone! C’mon, Mr. Geil!
Kakyoin: How thoughtful. He’s trying to scatter glass around for J. Geil, not realizing he’s dead.

Polnareff: Just quit it! He can’t hear you… He’s busy being tortured in Hell!
Hol Horse: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk… Come, now! Do you think I’m an idiot? That I’d fall for such an obvious bluff?
Hol Horse: Just what I’d expect from the French!

Another goof; this is meant to be Hol Horse’s dialogue. I suppose you could read it as Polnareff mocking him, though.

Hol Horse: Cut the crap, Polnareff. Heh…

Joseph: We heard about Abdul. …We had to bury him in a shallow grave.
Kakyoin: The coward who stabbed Abdul in the back was J. Geil, but this guy’s bullet delivered the killing blow. He’d have survived if he hadn’t been stabbed, but… What should we do with this guy?

I guess Abdul seemed pretty confident he could just melt Hol Horse’s bullets out of the sky, but “he would have survived getting shot in the head if he wasn’t also stabbed in the back” seems a little silly to me.

A woman and a horse run in from offscreen!

Polnareff: God, this woman…! C’mon, let go! What are you thinking!? Jotaro! Kakyoin! What are you doing!? He’s getting away!
Jotaro: We’re too late.
Polnareff: He’s standing right there! Punch him!!
Jotaro: Sounds boring.

Polnareff: Cascada! Shoot him!!
Cascada: Sorry, I ran out of SP killing all the assassins on the way over here and I’m out of Scrap Metal to chew on.
Polnareff: AAAHHHHHHHHH

Polnareff: Hey, don’t scream! C’mon, woman!
Joseph: Lay off, Polnareff! You tugged on her arm so hard, she’s bleeding… She was just being used. Besides, I don’t think he intends to fight us anymore. He didn’t attack us, and we don’t have time to go after him.

Joseph: Abdul is gone… But we have to move forward. It’s been 9 days since we left Japan.
Polnareff: But… revenge! It’s my whole thing!
Cascada: Quit being so selfish. Two of the past three fights have been about you.
Kakyoin: I even had to double up with Jotaro!
Jotaro: Yeah, it’s Gramps’ turn.

Polnareff: Well… So be it! To Egypt we go!

Kakyoin: …Glad HE’S in a good mood.
Joseph: …? Did you say something, Polnareff?
Polnareff: Mm? Nah… Maybe it was a fly buzzing around? There are a lot of 'em around here.
Joseph: Yeah, guess so… Hm?

Joseph: Speaking of flies… Looks like I got bitten by something!
Kakyoin: Don’t scratch it.
Indian Beauty: …

Bit of a big one (and lighter on the commentary than I’d like), but I especially wanted to show off some of the optional content here. See you folks next time!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[barquq]

i might have to play this, damn

[Jama]

What an ambitious game. The brainstorm mechanic is a really really really well thought out mechanic

[Binary]

It is genuinely impressive that this game like, exists in any coherent form.

[Iro]

Yeah it’s kinda wild. I almost never use Brainstorm, but pretty much every fight has it as an option, which means almost every fight also has a bespoke cutscene of things playing out “normally”.

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Polnareff achieved revenge on his sister’s killer at the cost of Abdul’s life. How is he reacting to this tragic event?

Polnareff: Nena… You’re the daughter of a well-off family in Varanasi, aren’t you? You may be pretty, but you seem like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, too! Trust me, I’m a great judge of character! That’s why you should listen when I tell you that Hol Horse is nothing but a filthy, lying scumbag!
Nena: Oh, I see… Tell me more, sir.
Polnareff: He just wants to use you for his own rotten gains! Your parents would be heartbroken if they knew…
Nena: My parents… how could I tell them I was seeing a white man…
Joseph: What’s wrong with white people?
Cascada: Remember when you described all Indians as “curry-eating beggars and thieves?” That’s what.
Nena: Oh, my dear, noble Hol Horse… he only called us beggars…

Polnareff: That’s no way to look at things! You’ve gotta stay calm and keep an open mind. Right?
Cascada: If Abdul heard you say that, I don’t know how he’d react.
Polnareff: He would back me up! I just know it!
Kakyoin: He… it hasn’t even been 24 hours…

Joseph: Ah well… Guess I’d better go… Just make yourselves comfortable while I get it checked out.

And we’re set loose upon another poor hub town. While you can trigger the next story segment by checking the back door like usual, there’s also a hidden timer in Varanasi that’ll start the event after you’ve entered and exited the hotel four times.

Cascada: Steel, you think Polnareff has a shot?
Steel: Though he achieved his vengeance, it was at the cost of another innocent life… It’s unfortunate, but we haven’t any time to grieve. We must hurry. I can sense 3 Stand users nearby… 2 of them are Dio’s assassins. Why not take a stroll around the town until Joseph comes back? …But be careful, of course.
Cascada: Wait, there’s one not affiliated with Dio? Is it Vins?
Steel: …
Cascada: Do not you fucking dare hold out on me.
Steel: Ask around.

If we talk to the tutorial guy in the lobby…

PDB: There are miniature tanks and helicopters buzzing around outside, but it seems like they’re not under the Stand user’s control. Since the user seems to have nothing to do with it, you should try to go after him, but carefully.
Cascada: You’re off the hook for now, Steel.

Joseph’s been out of the loop for a hot minute, Abdul is fucking dead, and you readers voted both Polnareff and Kakyoin off the island. Slim pickings for The Machine, but thankfully Varanasi is one of the less extensive hubs.

In fact, we couldn’t hang with Polnareff today even if we wanted to.

Kakyoin: Thank you. Sorry I didn’t ask you first!
Cascada: Nobody in this group asks first, and I like it that way.

I’m not even taking Kakyoin along for any specific events, this is just the usual grinding session.

The Element of Freedom combo platter is still floating around and still the best combo of “easy to kill” and “gives decent EXP”.

And now we’ve got these guys, legally distinct from the Green Hornets. Without the color patch, their overworld sprite would be exactly the same.

They’ve got high speed and like to use this attack that does both solid damage and lights you on fire. Assholes.

A bunch of NPCs around here desperately want to tell you about the tar down this alleyway. You know, the tar? The tar we’ve been using in construction? It smells really bad over on the east side of town, because of all the tar. This only matters to us if we haven’t been keeping Joseph’s level up.

As Tutorial Man noted, we’ve got these little RC helicopters zooming around the map. They’re super fast and fly in a totally random pattern, so I actually chased this one down for a good ten seconds or so.

fuck you game

Also, fuck these guys.

They’re absurdly quick and love to use moves that make you lose a turn. The gun attacks are no slouch when it comes to damage, either.

Love using up a bunch of SP on a mob that’ll just bail.

Varanasi is right on the Ganges and has a ton of ghats (steps that lead directly down into the river). Some are specifically shmashana ghats for cremating bodies and letting their ashes get swept into the river.

Varanasi is pretty empty compared to some of the other hubs. Not many wacky diversions.

Cascada: Hey, miss nurse. Is Mister Joestar doing okay?

Cascada: GODDAMMIT

A brand new Murderdolls encounter and it’s the most annoying one yet. This charge attack pictured above hits the entire party and has a high chance of knocking you over, making you skip your turn.

The encounter with the Lv4 Murderdoll and one Assassin is also in Varanasi, so I guess this means Joey is back in town.

Cascada: They got you pretty good. You okay?
Kakyoin: Why, I’m doing excellently. By the way, have you ever heard of the Florence Nightingale Effect?

Cascada: Sorry, were you saying something?
Kakyoin: …er, Florence Nightingale…
Cascada: Oh yeah, didn’t they discover she was secretly Jack the Ripper?
Kakyoin: …never mind.

In addition to the helicopters we’ve also got mini tanks roving around. They’re much slower, but they’re tankier and hit harder.

A lot harder. On both party members, usually.

Fuck me I guess.

To add insult to injury, around here while screenshotting the footage is where I realized I’d accidentally moved the window too far to the right, cutting that sliver off the edge where the recording’s stuck on an earlier frame. Did you notice?

I’m forced to load a save and grind Kakyoin back from 18 to 20. Picture me running in circles and hunting down Element of Freedom encounters because fuck those tanks.

Cascada: Let me guess: the tar.

And here is our final new encounter in Varanasi.

Kakyoin: I’m sure if we just politely talk to the police, we can clear up this terrible misunderstanding.
Cascada: Shit! The pigs! Cheese it!

Our only recourse is to flee. I’m a bit conflicted because I find this a clever encounter, but I can’t deny that it’s tedious.

Kakyoin: Running just makes us look worse, Cascada!
Cascada: They’ll never take me alive!

Quick stat check. We’re about on pace, maybe a touch ahead.

Jotaro: Lotta sirens out there. What’s going on?
Cascada: Yeah, the cops think we killed someone in Calcutta.
Kakyoin: We did, to be fair…
Cascada: I didn’t do shit. It’s all Polnareff’s fault.
Polnareff: So you see Nena, they call French the “language of love”… and I am French myself… therefore, by the transitive property-
Nena: Actually, I’d like to hear more about this French “guillotine”…

Jotaro: Fuck the police.
Kakyoin: How could you say that, Jotaro?
Cascada: Agreed.
Kakyoin: Finally!
Cascada: Fuck the police!
Kakyoin: …-sigh-

Jotaro still isn’t great at long range, but he’s getting better.

Jotaro: You go in with your clothes on?
Cascada: Looks like it. A lot of people just wash their feet, though… do you want to try?
Jotaro: Huh… it smells weird, though.

Jotaro: …nah.
Cascada: Oh my god. That’s why the hotel rooms have smelled like that.
Jotaro: The water here’s dirty?
Cascada: NONE OF YOU TAKE BATHS

Tell me more about this tar substance! I just need to know more!

The upper left corner of the map has this whole little forested area. Based on a cursory glance at a real map of Varanasi, I think this is meant to be Beniya Park. Don’t quote me on that.

Off in this weird little corner is a guy poring over some documents and waiting for War Thunder to come out in 25 years.

Steel: I get the feeling that this man is a Stand user. Although I don’t think he’s realized it yet… According to my research, this man is the user of the Stand “Metalium”. The blueprints he makes take shape as automatic Stands.
Cascada: Even if he’s unaware of it, we can’t exactly let his Stand run wild…
Steel: Yes, that’s true… But if we burn or otherwise destroy these blueprints, the Stands should disappear as well.

We must protect the public. The cops sure aren’t.

We probably could have just taught this guy about Stands. Oh well.

As is often the case with this game’s mid-bosses, Henning himself isn’t much of a theat. He’ll try to inflict a lose-a-turn status occasionally or use a weak physical attack. But we’ve seen just how busted these tanks can be, and just a couple bad rolls can make this fight go south fast.

Cascada: Sorry, man.

Jotaro: …Such a waste. I’ve never seen this much attention to detail in a blueprint before.

Jotaro: Yeah… But because of your ability, people have gotten hurt. You know how to control your Stand now, right? If I find out you’ve been using it to attack people, I won’t hesitate to beat the piss out of you.

…all’s well that ends well!

I pick up a few curatives at the 7-11 (there were no 7-11s in India until 2021) before we wrap things up around here by visiting Joseph.

Where have we heard that laugh before?

Cascada: …Admitted? I thought he just had a bug bite?

Cascada: ? …I don’t feel sick or anything…

Cascada: goddammit

Cascada: …-sigh-… if Abdul were here, he’d have better one liners…

It’s really convenient that Power Rangers hit it big westward. It means we can transfer over a bunch of Super Sentai jokes basically unchanged.

Cascada: I WILL FUCKING END YOU

Losing control of Cascada’s actions is actually a huge problem, because this boss will fuck you up. The gimmick here is that only one Joey is “real” and will end the battle when killed, but all of them have the same stats and annoying attacks. It’s the same one every time (the fourth), but you don’t really have any way of knowing that beforehand.

Bazookas do heavy damage, almost always inflict BlowBack status (making you lose a turn), and also light you on fire.

Jotaro got a neat new move during the offscreen grinding session, at least.

Sometimes all it takes is one lost turn, I swear to god.

Cascada: Quicksilver!!

Cascada: …-sharp inhale-
Jotaro: Tch… he got away…
Cascada: AHHHHHHHHHHH

We’re dropped outside the “hospital” across the street from the inn, and that’s a wrap for Varanasi.

Jotaro has pulled way ahead in the level and FP rankings, probably because he’s been around for most of mid-bosses lately. We gotta get Joseph back in the game or he’ll be left in the dust. Wouldn’t be right!

We’ll check back in with the old timer… next time. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we explored the ghats of Varanasi while Joseph was out getting his infected bug bite looked at. Let’s check in with the old timer.

Joseph: G-gimme a break here! Can’t you just stick some ointment and a band-aid on it and call it a day?
Joseph: That’s how it always works in comics…

Joseph: Yecch, I can’t look!

I’m not afraid of needles per se, but whenever I’m getting a vaccine or something I cannot look at the process. The needle itself isn’t the problem, it’s the needle entering skin.

Joseph: This kinda stuff sucks no matter how old you are… -grumble-

Joseph: W-whaaaat!?

Joseph: W-who said that!? …Ah!

Empress: You’re Joseph, the old fart, right? I’m gonna make it rain blood, baby!

The “chumimiiin” sound effect appears a few times in the JoJo series, usually said by some kind of wacky little creature. “Chuchu” is meant to be like a mouse squeaking sound (think Pikachu), so I’m pretty sure this is just meant to be some kind of squeak or chirp.

Joseph: Get lost!

Joseph: ! It has teeth! It blocked it! A-and… Unngghh…! So strong!!
Empress: Hee hee hee hee hee!!

Empress: Nuh-uh! You cut yourself! I’m a part of you after all… Old Man Joseph!

Empress: I know what you’re thinking, Joseph… Stands can only be defeated by other Stands! Your Hermit Purple can let you see things from afar… But can you really fight me with that ability!? And furthermore… can you take me down now that I’ve become a part of your arm? That’s what you’re thinking! And by the way… You can’t!

These days “nimrod” means “dummy” or “idiot”, but it’s also the name of a noted king in the Hebrew Bible. Traditionally, he’s the guy who started building the Tower of Babel and was known as a great hunter. The change in meaning is often attributed to Looney Tunes cartoons where they dunked on Elmer Fudd by sarcastically calling him “Nimrod”, but there’s scattered evidence of it being used mockingly decades before that.

Other folklore involves Nimrod being dismembered and scattered after his death - an inspiration for Dormin from Shadow of the Colossus - but this originates from an 1853 Presbyterian pamphlet insisting that Catholicism is secretly a surviving sect of heretical Babylonian religion. The author conflates Nimrod with (among many other figures) the Egyptian god Osiris, who was dismembered and scattered across Egypt by his usurping brother Set.

Truly, JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure contains multitudes.

With another innocent bystander dead, yet another one enters the room.

I looked this up and The Clarks is a noted hotel chain in India. The Varanasi branch in particular describes itself as “exuding a colonial charm”, so I guess it’s only natural Joseph would be staying there.

Empress: By the by, young lady… I’ve got a thing for pretty little nurses like yoooou!!
Joseph: Wha-wha-whaaaat!?
Empress: HellooOOOoo nurse!
Joseph: No! I actually hate brown people!! WAIT NO NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!

The scene fades out as police sirens blare in the distance.

Empress: Hya-ha-ha-ha! Looks like the Indian police are after you! You’ll never get back to the hotel now! They’ll stand between you and Jotaro! I’ll kill ya for sure!
Joseph: Y-y-you little biiiitch!! I’ll smash you against the wall!

Empress: I’m armed and dangerous, baby!
Joseph: W-what!? It sprouted a pair of hands! Is it… is it growing!?
Empress: Hey! You should be more gentle with your arm, old man!
Empress: I can’t tell if this is tennis elbow or wanker’s cramp! Oof!

Just like when we were wandering around with Cascada, if you kill any of the police you get a game over. All we can do is run.

Now, obviously it wouldn’t do narratively to have last season’s protagonist upstage the current one, but it sometimes feels like Joseph got done a little dirty. He is gold for comedy bits, though.

With this, we’re booted into the wider Varanasi map playing as Joseph solo. It’s quite rare to play as just one of the party members without Cascada around; I think it only happens when the manga dictates the party’s split, like with the Hanged Man fight a few updates ago.

This is also why the Varanasi map is oddly large and winding despite not having much in it during the hub segment. Here, you’re running around lost and confused with Joseph while being chased down by the cops.

The other encounters are still hanging out too, and they can get real tough without Cascada there to blast things. I avoid as many as possible.

Joseph: -huff- -wheeze- Is that…!? Hey!!

If I were in this situation and the other options for help were Jotaro or Polnareff, I guess Kakyoin would also be my first choice. Begrudgingly.

Joseph: OH NOOOO!!

Joseph: SON OF A BITCH!!

Eventually, this happens and we move on to the next scene. I believe it’s on some kind of random timer.

Okay, I couldn’t help my curiosity so I looked at some of the event triggers. It’s not a timer at all! Invisible NPCs are placed throughout of the map, set to constantly move towards the player at half speed. On contact, they activate this event and teleport you to the next location. Neat!

Joseph: …!? W-what are you doing!?
Empress: …I’m eatin’! I’ve gotta eat a healthy, balanced meal so I can grow big and strong, Joseph!
Joseph: Did you steal those from the shop on the way here!? You’re a tricky one!

The game can’t really depict this, but in the manga, Joseph’s been running around while covering his messed-up arm with a cloth. Empress drops a bunch of food scraps showing she’s been eating various fruits, a cabbage, and a whole live chicken.

Joseph: Blugh!

Joseph really getting into the role of parent here. Spot on imitation.

Empress: Father dearest! Thank you for raising me up until now! You deserve a break… Why don’t you retire to the world beyond!?
Empress: You’ll be stuck on Snake Way for decades, at minimum! Hee hee!
Joseph: N-nooo! I haven’t caught up on Dragon Ball for the past two weeks!

Empress: Atchooohhhh!!
Joseph: !?
Empress: Heh heh heh… I’ve already gotten big enough to kill you easily! Check it out! I can already reach your neck! Once I cut your artery, you’re history! Just wait and see… I’ll show you my REAL strength!! Haiyaaa!! Atchooohhh!!!
Joseph: Nnngh! OH NOOOOO!!

I assume this goes without saying to anyone familiar enough with anime to be reading this, but Empress is doing kiai here, aka The Sounds What Bruce Lee Makes When He Punches A Fool. The “atatatatata” bit specifically is a shout-out to Fist of the North Star, a seminal martial arts manga and major inspiration for JoJo.

Hitting the 10 turn limit isn’t a game over or anything. You get tossed back to the map and have to do things the manga way, which involves dunking the Empress in tar to halt her movements. That’s why all the NPCs in Varanasi wouldn’t shut up about where to find tar.

Empress occasionally boosts all her stats like this, and otherwise does hefty enough damage that 10 turns is a pretty tough ask if you’re trying to heal. But Cascada’s training sessions weren’t for nothing.

Watch this gif loop about 8 times and you’ve got an idea of how the battle goes.

Get fucked.

Empress: T-that’s right… Dio warned me about this… About the intense determination of the Joestar bloodline…!
Empress: Now I need to update the “Intense Determination” page on the fansite!
Joseph: I told you… You don’t have the fighting experience to beat me! When the enemy is sure they’ve won, they’ve already lost. I’m old, but I still know that! This is how Joseph Joestar does things! But Stands can only be defeated by other Stands… Hmm… What should I do with you?
Empress: N-no…

Predicting the enemy’s next line was Joseph’s catchphrase back in the Part 2 days. It was mainly meant to show how he was a more cerebral and tricky fighter than his grandfather Jonathan, who was more of a regular “I love justice and I punch things real hard” kind of guy.

In the manga he does this by wrapping her up, slinging the other end of Hermit Purple’s vines around a balcony, and jumping. Gnarly.

Polnareff: In ze French manner, of course!

Polnareff: W-whaaat!? What is that thing!?

Polnareff: What!? Her!? An enemy!? Y-y-you… You tricked me!!
Joseph: So she was using the body of a beautiful woman as camouflage… You’re too naive, Polnareff! It’s a good thing we found out before anything happened…
Polnareff: …W-… Waaaaaaaah…

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Cascada: Wait, I didn’t show up AT ALL this episode? Seriously?

[Jama]

The Machine sidelined for an entire episode??? Unexpected.

[Iro]

Yeah, I guess it would’ve been weird to try and shoehorn the player into this one. Too easy to solve if a second person was present maybe?

Cascada: Okay just hold your arm straight out and I’ll charge up…

[Binary]

Yeah I feel like it would have been a complete nonstarter with a second person in this case. Still an interesting decision! Glad you uhhhh leveled him up haha

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, Joseph dealt with a tumor on his arm by throttling it with psychic vines. Now, the party is driving to Pakistan in what the game really wants you to know is a Toyota Land Cruiser.

Jotaro: Bet I could build a log cabin with Star Platinum.
Kakyoin: With tools, or without?
Jotaro: Don’t need 'em. Stand only.
Cascada: Hardly a bet, even Polnareff could do that.

Kakyoin: Hey, Polnareff! Your driving’s way too aggressive!
Polnareff: Heh heh heh! What do you think we’ve got a four-wheel drive for?
Joseph: Polnareff! You kicked up a bunch of rocks at the other driver! Don’t get us in an accident, please!

Cascada: How many bystanders have Dio’s assassins killed at this point?
Kakyoin: Perhaps four or five.
Joseph: You forgot the entire crew of the charter ship.
Jotaro: What about that Nena chick?
Joseph: Well, that depends on how long Empress was controlling her body.
Cascada: Does that mean Hol Horse was banging Empress and didn’t know it?
Polnareff: I hope that hayseed was getting catfished as hard as I was.

Kakyoin: Don’t forget the Hotel Clarks. They exuded quite the colonial charm.

Both: …
Cascada: Polnareff…
Kakyoin: …Right…

Cascada: Ow-ow-ow-ow…
Kakyoin: What happened, Polnareff!? W-why’d you stop the car!?
Joseph: Urgh… Didn’t I just tell you not to get us in an accident!?
Polnareff: N-no… Look! Over there! I can’t believe it!

The little scamp is back.

Kakyoin: Hey! I thought we left you in Singapore! Weren’t you supposed to meet your father there?

Joseph: Hey! Wait! Who said you could climb in!? How did you even get to India!?

I was resisting having to crop and upload a new portrait for this bit character but there is just too much dialogue with nothing interesting happening visually in this update. Fie on me.

Anne: Hey! Wanna see some dirty pictures? I stole 'em in India! You like this stuff, right?
Polnareff: H-hey! That’s not something a kid should be carrying around!
Cascada: Aren’t those the same ones you got at that book stall in Calcutta?
Polnareff: Exactly! I’ve already got copies, I don’t need to see yours!
Joseph: Polnareff! I can’t believe you!

Joseph: No! No! No! No!
Kakyoin: Still, I can’t believe she made it this far on her own… She’s quite independent.
Cascada: Yeah, but hitchhiking from Singapore to here in that time has gotta be some kind of world record…

She was on the same train to Calcutta as the rest of the crew, they just didn’t know it, so she “only” hitchhiked from Calcutta to the Pakistani border. Getting here first isn’t that out of the question considering how much time we’ve spent fighting cowboys and model tanks and such. The actual question is how she knew we’d end up specifically on this road.

Anne: You guys are mean! Take me with you!
Joseph: No!
Anne: Please take me! Please take me! Please take meeeee! Please! Please! Please!
Joseph: No! No! No no no no no!
Jotaro: Shut the fuck up, all of you! You’re annoying!

Polnareff: …?
Jotaro: …Isn’t that the car we passed before? Looks like they’re in a hurry.
Polnareff: Sure didn’t stop 'em from puttering along before! Why are they tailgating now? What are they thinking?

I’m getting war flashbacks to driving on the I-5. The segment between Los Angeles and San Francisco is 350 miles of flat desert with only two lanes each direction. You end up going 95 miles per hour without even noticing and so you slide straight off the road when you try and change lanes because some asshole in an Audi is tailgating you like they’re trying to get a speed boost in Mario Kart.

Kakyoin: They might be mad that you cut them off earlier.
Jotaro: …Did you get a look at the driver?
Polnareff: Nah… The window was too dirty.
Jotaro: Think they might be a Stand user?
Anne: You guys have said that like a hundred times! What’s a Stand user?
Cascada: If you have to ask, you don’t wanna know.
Jotaro: …They opened their window.

Joseph: It’s your fault for egging him on!

The Toyota Land Cruiser is descended from military jeeps, so it’s got a reputation for being a rough-and-tumble offroad type of car. It’s also apparently quite popular in Africa and the Middle East.

Polnareff changes lanes to pass, but…

Polnareff: He’s not messing around! If not for Star Platinum, we’d all have been crushed! Not even my Chariot and Kakyoin’s Hierophant combined would have been able to stop a truck at that speed!
Cascada: If you hadn’t shoved me into the back seat, I coulda blasted it.
Kakyoin: But we can’t harm bystanders!
Cascada: Do you SEE what Jotaro did to that thing?
Joseph: Where’s the car!?
Jotaro: Looks like they went ahead.

I ask this any time I have a bad social interaction.

Kakyoin: But I didn’t see anything resembling a Stand attack at the time…
Joseph: Hmm…
Polnareff: What does or doesn’t look like a Stand attack at this point? We’ve seen so many different types.
Cascada: The first person battle screen didn’t show up, so…

Joseph: …Let’s just try to cross that border… If that car shows up again, we’ll find out for sure whether it’s an enemy or just a weirdo.
Cascada: Guess there’s not much else we can do…
Kakyoin: What about that truck? It looks like Star Platinum really did a number on it…

Cascada hasn’t been a Hero of Justice in a while. Nice to see her drag an unconscious person out of their burning truck (that we caused) and leave the fire going. A+ heroism.

I pick up a few solid curatives here and I unload a few items I will never ever touch, like the rouge Polnareff bought us in Singapore.

A minor quirk of this setpiece is that you only get one Steel action here. If you remember, you have to call him to do all sorts of things like changing your equipment, adjusting your tactical stance, checking your FP, switching your catchphrase, et cetera. Or, in our case, asking for advice on the area.

Steel: Here, we stop at Delhi, pass through Pakistan, and finally, it’s goodbye to India. But it’s far too optimistic to assume that our journey will go smoothly…
Cascada: Yeah, I heard Carmen Sandiego’s ransacking the place…

Cameo alert on the bottom left: Akira Otoishi, a major villain from Part 4.

Joseph: Well, we haven’t really gotten a chance to rest since we left Varanasi. Hey, waiter, what’s that?

This is a popular beverage all around tropical Asia. My father told me that when he was a child in Singapore in the 40s, kids would just cut pieces of sugarcane off the side of the road and chew/suck on the ends.

Joseph: Sure, why not? …! What!?
Kakyoin: I didn’t think it’d be THAT good…

Everyone present at the cafe proceeds to side-eye each other. Our suspects are Bald Man, Man With Unusual Haircut, and Short-Haired Man. Killerman is nowhere to be seen.

Kakyoin: What should we do, Mr. Joestar? I don’t think we’re gonna get a confession out of any of them…
Polnareff: They’re playing dumb!
Cascada: If we wait until the sun sets, we’ll be in even more danger.
Joseph: Well, there’s no way to tell which one of them is the driver… And yet I don’t think we’ll be able to cross the border in peace with him around… It seems like there’s only one thing to do… Jotaro?
Jotaro: Yeah. As much as we don’t want to involve innocent people, there’s no other way.

Okay, look, Cascada might be a Hero of Justice, but come on. We’ve built up enough good karma that we can take the fun option sometimes.

Polnareff: H-hey… Did we just get suckered!?
Cascada: …Looks like it.
Joseph: Did anyone see what he looks like!?
Kakyoin: Unfortunately, all I saw were his arms… What do you think he wants with us!? He’s not directly engaging us, so it’s still possible he’s just a normal guy with some anger issues…
Polnareff: He might not be our enemy, but he’s seriously pissing me off! He still owes us for that truck incident!

The game doesn’t show it, but the manga has a couple panels here of our mystery driver messing with the road signs to pull our heroes down the wrong road.

Polnareff: Who cares!? We’ve almost caught up with him! I’ll get him at this next turn!

Polnareff: Did he go around another corner!? A car couldn’t possibly cross that suspension bridge…
Jotaro: Maybe he fell off the edge.

Kakyoin: W-we’re going to be pushed off the edge! Polnareff! Put the car in backup gear and slam the gas!
Polnareff: I’m trying! But… I-I can’t push him back! That thing’s a fucking tank! God damn it! The four-wheel drive isn’t doing a thing! Jotaro, use Star Platinum to smash that idiot’s car to pieces!
Jotaro: I can’t… There’ll be too much recoil. We’ll end up just like that truck from earlier.

This is most certainly not the kind of series where one should think about such things, but I guess this means Stands are still beholden to Newton’s laws? Whether they’re physical or incorporeal tends to just be a matter of narrative convenience. I hate that my brain thinks like this, sometimes.

lol, lmao

Joseph: Kakyoin! It’s useless! Don’t! Your Hierophant may be able to stretch indefinitely, but it can’t support the car’s weight! You’ll be torn apart!
Kakyoin: Thanks for your concern, Mr. Joestar… But I’m not an idiot. I know what I’m doing.

This is meant to be a winch with a hook. A car’s jumper cables would never be that strong.

Kakyoin: Yes… I do like sumo. But Jotaro… In sumo, it’s illegal to punch your opponent.
Jotaro: (grin)

I mean, okay, you can’t closed-fist punch, but in the right circumstances an open-palm slap can be as bad or worse. Especially by a rikishi; remember, about the only people strong enough to lift and throw sumo wrestlers are other sumo wrestlers.

Joseph: Still, there wasn’t anything resembling a Stand attack… We’ll just have to assume he was some lunatic.
Joseph: I guess this way I don’t have to rethink my incredibly racist statements! Haha!
Cascada: -frown-
Polnareff: Either way, no one could survive a fall at this height… He got his just desserts.
Anne: …Still, how did he get behind us despite there only being a single road? It’s almost like he warped… Don’t you think that’s strange…?
Cascada: Eh.
Kakyoin: Not particularly.
Jotaro: Nope.
Joseph: After all we’ve seen so far, I suppose not.

When I was a kid, my family would watch Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune every single day. I can only read the words in that cadence.

Joseph: What!? He knows my name! That settles it! He’s definitely an enemy!
Cascada: -whispering- Isn’t your grandpa an internationally known real estate mogul…?
Jotaro: Dunno.
Kakyoin: He’s sending out a radio signal from somewhere… It couldn’t possibly be from the car from earlier, could it?
Polnareff: Of course not! It couldn’t still be in one piece after that!

Joseph: W-what…?
Polnareff: A Stand that manifests physically… A super-powered car!?
Cascada: B-but no one could shrug off a fall like that, Stand or no…
Anne: I figured it out! A “Stand” is some kind of special engine or something, right? Like in Back to the Future!
Joseph: Er… sure, kid…

Kakyoin: ! …What? …What’s that rumbling sound?
Polnareff: I don’t have a good feeling about this…
Joseph: Get in the car, everyone!
Jotaro: No! Get away from the car!
Polnareff: ! …No way!
Cascada: This earthquake…

There’s a pun somewhere in here but frankly I’m writing this update at 8:30am on a Saturday and I can’t pluck every low-hanging fruit.

Polnareff: Jotaro was right! It’s a Stand! It all makes sense!
Kakyoin: The user must be inside of the car!
Joseph: It plans to kill us all off one by one… It planned to take all of us out at once with that truck, then he tried to push us off the cliff… Now he’s going to run us all down!
Kakyoin: L-look! He crushed the car completely! And now he’s…!

I finally noticed what was weirding me out about this background in particular, ever since that first fight with Polnareff in HK. It’s a stock RPG Maker “desert” battle background, while most others are panel rips from the manga.

Jotaro: -hurk- W… what!? What did it just shoot at me…? I couldn’t see its attack!
Joseph: Jotaro!

Joseph: (in the cadence of “Sora, Donald, Goofy”) Jotaro! Polnareff! Kakyoin!
Anne: Eeeeeeek!!
Polnareff: Ngh… Shit! What did it just do!?
Kakyoin: It shot something at us… But I couldn’t see what… Something pierced the skin, but there isn’t anything like needles or glass inside of the wound!
Polnareff: Shoot! These wounds aren’t deep, but they hurt like hell! Is it the same kind of attack as your Emerald Splash!?
Kakyoin: I don’t think so. It doesn’t seem to be storing energy, and we can’t see the discharge!
Joseph: Are you okay, Jotaro!?

A good portion of the fanbase probably agrees.

Jotaro: Up here. Let’s climb up to the top.
Anne: Yay! I love you, Jotaro! <3

Polnareff: What CAN’T this thing do!?
Jotaro: Gimme a break… Looks like we’ve gotta fight it after all. Get down, everyone. When he reaches the top, he’ll expose the underside of the car… Then we’ll see who’s stronger.

Stupid question, if you ask me. If for some reason you do elect to use Jotaro only, the boss is weakened accordingly.

Joseph: You may be right… Why don’t we all gang up on him once he finishes climbing?
Jotaro: …All right. We’ll get him the second he reaches the top!
Kakyoin: Still, we’ll need someone to protect this girl while we’re busy fighting him…

Cascada: Sounds like you’re volunteering, mister “gentleman”.
Kakyoin: …walked right into that one…

A rare full party battle, minus whoever you picked to sit out. Wheel of Fortune is pretty durable and hits hard, but I’ve been keeping everyone’s levels up. Things don’t get too hairy here.

Like sure, this would be scary as hell with only two units, but with four we can still keep up our damage while someone’s on curative duty.

If six turns pass, Wheel of Fortune uses his special attack from the manga where he reveals the mysterious droplets from before were made of gasoline. The entire party gets inflicted with irremovable OnFire status for the rest of the battle; a handful of the player Stands will either automatically mitigate this or even turn it against him for an easy win.

If six turns pass. He doesn’t get that far.

Kakyoin: What an oddball. Thought he’d be less scrawny. Guess those arms that were sticking out the window were the only part of him with any muscle. All bark, no bite…

The guy tries to scurry off, but Polnareff grabs him.

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User is filmed in front of a live studio audience…

Joseph: He’s certainly no threat to us anymore… But I’ll take his passport just in case he tries to leave India.
Polnareff: And since he totaled our Land Cruiser, we’ll just have to use his car to cross the border…

I have it on good authority that this is exactly how the next Like A Dragon / Yakuza game is going to start. Ichiban Kasuga just can’t catch a break.

Anne: Huhhh!? Why, Jotaro!? Nuh-uh! No way! I wanna go with yoooou!
Polnareff: Shut up! All you do is get in the way! You should be thankful we’re buying you a ticket, you precocious little brat!
Cascada: I’m surprised she still wants to stick with us after that little incident…

In interviews, Hirohiko Araki said he wanted to include a girl with the group, but claimed Shonen Jump readers of the 80s would have rejected the idea because of the amount of violence inflicted on the cast. In another universe, Merlai Anne here might have been the 7th Stand User.

We fade out on one final laugh track…

Enya: You were so noble to sacrifice yourself for Lord Dio… J. Geeiiillllll!! How could such a chivalrous man die at the hands of such cowards!? -sob, sob, sob- Now, without my darling… I only have Lord Dio left to live for! But all the Stand users I entrusted with the task failed miserably at the hands of those pests… What an embarrassment… How can I face Lord Dio?

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we traded our brand new Toyota Land Cruiser for a shitty jalopy after smashing an innocent bystander’s car. This time, we’re continuing the drive from India through Pakistan.

Jotaro: It’s 100% wool.
Kakyoin: How are you not drenched in sweat?
Cascada: He definitely is.
Polnareff: How can you tell?
Cascada: I’ve been with you guys for almost two weeks and none of you have taken a bath. It REEKS in here.
Joseph: Hey! That doctor at least rubbed my arm down with disinfectant!
Cascada: TWO DAYS AGO!

Polnareff: Yeah, this might be dangerous… We’re right by the edge of a cliff, and there are no guard rails out here.
Cascada: Hey, I think I see a town over there!
Kakyoin: A town? That’s odd. There’s nothing of the sort on my map… All that’s marked here is a cemetery.
Polnareff: Yeah, but it didn’t show any tunnels either. It’s probably out of date! Besides, I’m parched! Let’s look around for a hotel. We can’t keep going in this fog.

Kakyoin: Yeah, we should wait until it clears up.
Cascada: Sounds like a plan!
Polnareff: Wonder what the hotels are like out here? I hope they have normal toilets! I’m still not used to the Indian squat toilets where you have to clean your ass with the faucet! I’m crossing my fingers for a decent bathroom.

TMI incoming: I got a bidet recently and I can never go back. My ass is so much cleaner and I’m using a third of the toilet paper I used to.

Kakyoin: Let’s go to that restaurant and ask where the inn is.
Joseph: Yeah.
Jotaro: …
Polnareff: …Isn’t it a little too… quiet? I’m so used to the constant assault of “Baksheesh” from the beggars and the onslaught of “very cheap, friend!” from the merchants.
Joseph: I’m sure it’s just because of this fog. They probably can’t even tell we’re foreigners.
Jotaro: The hell they can’t, Gramps. We’re speaking Japanese.
Joseph: What? We’ve been talking in English this whole time.
Polnareff: I thought we were speaking French…
Kakyoin: Just a moment, wha-
Cascada: Don’t think about it.

The exact right response to dealing with shitty tourists. Genuinely great gag.

Kakyoin: …
Cascada: …???
Polnareff: …Huh? I-is it something we said?
Joseph: O-oh, you don’t have to close… Hahaha… We just needed to ask something! Do you know if there’s a hotel here? That’s all! A-ahahahahaha…

Joseph: Huh? H-hey, wait! What do you mean, you don’t know? You live here, right? I just need to know if there’s a hotel! That’s all, I swear! …Ah!

Still cleaner than your average American anime con.

Kakyoin: -whispering- …Cascada, I’m only saying that IF that’s the case, then that restaurateur would have heard us in Urdu or Punjabi…
Cascada: Trust me, don’t think about it.
Joseph: (Was I the only one who saw it? I guess it really was my imagination…)
Polnareff: 'Scuse me, sir! We’re looking for a hotel… Preferably one with nice toilets… Can you help us? …!?

Again, still better than your average American anime con…

okay maybe not that part

Joseph: W-what happened to him!? How’d he die in the middle of the road like this!?
Cascada: Shouldn’t someone have noticed him die in such a busy place…!?
Kakyoin: What’s the cause of death!? Heart failure!? A stroke!?

Polnareff: How would YOU be able to tell?
Jotaro: I watch a lot of Columbo…
Polnareff: ? What do you mean?
Jotaro: Look at his hand.
Polnareff: …!! A-a revolver! And it’s still smoking!

Cascada: The barrel’s still hot…
Cascada: And I know one or two things about guns, seeing as my arm’s one…
Jotaro: It must’ve been fired recently… Maybe 2 minutes ago? 5 minutes? Shortly before we got here…
Kakyoin: I-is it a suicide!? But I don’t see any blood or entry wounds on his body…
Polnareff: Then how did he die…? Look at his face! It’s twisted in terror!
Cascada: The only thing that’s clear is that it wasn’t from natural causes of any sort…
Joseph: I just don’t get it… What did he fire that gun at!? What happened here!?

Both: Fuck the police.
Joseph: I’m starting to come around on this one considering what happened in Varanasi.…

Kakyoin: (Eugh…) We need you to contact the police.
Jotaro: All: -inhale- F-
Kakyoin: Not now!

Kakyoin: …W-what an odd woman… No, it’s not just that woman… A man is dead, but no one’s crowding around, or even so much as glancing in this direction! If he fired a gun, someone must’ve heard… They’re even more jaded than the people in New York or Tokyo…
Polnareff: I thought Tokyo has some of the least gun crime in the world.
Cascada: Nah, there’s tons of it. Trust me, my arm is a gun.
Jotaro: What should we do, Gramps? I’d really like to know how this man was killed… Could it be the work of a new Stand user?
Joseph: It’s possible… But I don’t think so. What motive would they have to kill him? Why would they arrive in this town before us only to kill an innocent man?
Polnareff: J. Geil was a serial killer and Devo murdered that bellhop.
Kakyoin: Tower of Gray caused several airline accidents before Dio hired him.
Cascada: …Vins turned Utah into a zombie.

Joseph: Yes, let’s…
Polnareff: Looks like the fog’s getting even worse.
Kakyoin: Seems like the whole town’s covered in it.

Keep an eye out for corpses on the telephone lines.

When British India split into India and Pakistan in the late 1940s, the government of India printed currency for Pakistan until they could get their own setup going. This meant that for a couple years Pakistani rupees were literally Indian rupees with “GOVERNMENT OF PAKISTAN” stamped on them in English and Urdu.

Cascada: It’s huge… And yet no blood is coming out. An open wound that big and that deep would be gushing the stuff… under most circumstances.
Kakyoin: …what circumstances would it NOT?
Cascada: Heat Ray; cauterizes instantly.
Kakyoin: …I-I see…
Cascada: The delinquents back home know to give me a wide berth now.
Jotaro: This is definitely not a typical murder.

hey polnareff what the fuck

Cascada: Can we air it out first?

Joseph: Yipes! That was too close…
Jotaro: ? Hey… What are you doing over there by yourself, Gramps? Are you going senile?
Joseph: I didn’t shoot spaghetti noodles at my best friend with to take lip from you, kid. I’m sure this is where we parked.
Cascada: We clearly walked in from the left side of the screen…
Joseph: …

Cascada: Do you really still feel like driving after that?
Polnareff: I’ve had enough for today. That Stand user’s Jeep drives terribly.
Jotaro: I don’t trust Gramps behind the wheel.
Cascada: Now that you mention it, we’ve crashed ships, planes, and automobiles with him aboard… only the train was safe.
Kakyoin: When was the last time you renewed your license, Mr. Joestar?

A little old lady comes in from offscreen.

Enya: There are a lot of steep cliffs on these roads… A lot of people get into accidents this time of year. I run a small inn around here… If you’d like, you can spend the night… I’ll even give you a group discount.
Polnareff: Whew… Finally, someone normal!
Kakyoin: Let’s keep on our toes. There’s a strong possibility that a Stand user is in this town. It’ll be easy for them to ambush us in this fog…

All: Fu-
Kakyoin: -n looking place you have here, Madam!
Cascada: Killjoy.
Enya: Here we are, Mr. Joestar… This is my hotel! Come in and I’ll give you a little tour. It’s a very small hotel… But 20 years ago, they shot a 007 movie in it.
Polnareff: Wow, no kidding!

Enya: Ho ho ho…
Kakyoin: How is it when it comes to exuding colonial charms?
Enya: Well, we’re speaking English, aren’t we? Colonial enough, sonny?
Kakyoin: Wait, wha-

Enya: Don’t be silly, sir! That man with the silver hair called him Mr. Joestar earlier, didn’t he?
Polnareff: Huh? Did I!? …I don’t really remember, but you’re probably right…

I’m always saying this. I can’t remember shit.

Enya: Oh… This? I… I-I burned it… I accidentally spilled boiling water on it… I’m getting old. Hyahyahya!
Polnareff: What are you saying? You don’t look a day over 40! I was thing of asking you on a date! Heh heh!
Enya: Hyahya! Don’t be such a tease, sir! <3

It obviously depends on the individual, but I wonder if senior citizens actually appreciate the “oh, you look sooo young!” act. There comes a point where flattery is just patronizing, right?

Sure, she’s only thinking it, but this is the second time someone has specifically threatened to cut off Polnareff’s balls. If I had a nickel, et cetera.

Polnareff: How much was it?
Joseph: 20,000 rupees a head. The American dollar’s pretty good right now.
Kakyoin: I… how much do you think a hotel room is supposed to cost?
Joseph: I usually let my people handle that.

Cascada: …
Kakyoin: That wasn’t the issue, Polnareff.
Cascada: You all STILL haven’t bathed. I am going to suffocate.

Kakyoin: Then what’s the point of the extra room?
Polnareff: Well, this is a pretty creepy town… It’s probably best not to sleep alone. What if an enemy were to attack?
Joseph: You have a point. In that case, I’ll stay in the room with her.
Polnareff: Isn’t that convenient for you!? You’re the one I’d be most careful of, you old codger!
Cascada: On three, everyone say who you’d LEAST want to sleep overnight in a room with. One, two… Three!

Kakyoin: Cascada.
Polnareff: Cascada.
Jotaro: The Machine.
Cascada: P- …wow, that backfired. Really?
Kakyoin: Brass knuckles. You’ve been quite clear.
Jotaro: I saw what you did to that Joey guy.
Polnareff: I wouldn’t want to be there when the old timer sneaks in! Hehehe.
Cascada: Okay, tone it down, dude.
Joseph: …

The wink-and-nod here is that Josuke Higashikata, the protagonist of Part 4, isn’t Jotaro’s grandson as per tradition (the setting was caught up to the present, so jumping forward would bring its own problems). Instead, he’s Joseph’s secret love child, making him Jotaro’s uncle despite being half his age.

Timeline wise, Josuke’s currently a little kid down with a mysterious fever just like Holly. Saving him is way more important, IMO.

Joseph: It’s nothing! Well, guess we’ve just gotta kill time until dinner.
Jotaro: …Everyone. I’ve got a favor to ask.
Polnareff: Hm? What is it, Jo-
Jotaro: Hold on. Let me finish. I need you not to call me by my name.
Joseph: What? Why?
Jotaro: There’s just something that’s been bugging me. Anyway, can you do that?

And with that, we finally get to roam around. The Foggy Village is one of the smallest zones in the game, but I’ve got to do my due diligence here.

Cascada: Steel, do you even get reception out here?
Steel: A town? There shouldn’t be a town here… On this point on the map, there’s just an untended graveyard for travelers. …I think you should stay inside as much as possible. The Stand users all seem to be in the hotel… I can sense two enemy presences. Just take a walk around the halls… The enemy should show themselves eventually.

Steel is right. There are two ways to progress at this stage of the game: enter or exit the hotel room three times, or knock on Enya’s door three times. The fourth in either case will move on to the next event, and that means you can only move around with (and grind up) at most two other party members here.

You are hiding a child, let that boy come home

The treasure chests include 5x each of Ripple-Infused Wine (5%+100 HP, 5%+5 SP for whole party) and Overdrive SY (3% HP, 20%+60 SP). As Joseph says, there’re no vending machines or stores here, so that’s all you get.

Despite earlier escapades, Polnareff and Joseph are now the ones lagging behind in levels, so we bring the Frenchman along first.

The hotel is a symmetrical three floors of locked doors and nothing else.

There’s one other door that’s unlocked, and that’s where Enya is. As noted above, if you want to rush through you can knock a few times to progress things.

Let’s take a quick jaunt outside.

Using the “cloud” tiles to represent fog is a neat effect here, I think. They’re constantly undulating in a way that’s hard to communicate in screenshots and makes .gifs way too large to upload here.\

Zombies and Fireflies are the main encounters here, good for squeezing out the last few hundred XP to the next level and basically nothing else.

If you keep going in any one direction, the map loops back around like an old RPG world map. This village is toroidal.

There is one new encounter: the She-Zombie. They’re different from regular zombies in that they can walk around outside of shadowed areas and aren’t weak to Sunlight-elemental damage due to their full-body garments. I admit I’m not brushed up enough on such things to be able to tell if this is meant to be a chador, a niqaab, a burqa, or something else, but I imagine the sprite art is imperfect regardless.

At any rate, I get Polnareff and Joseph up to speed, and then I realize that you need to be with Jotaro to get the next event to proc and lose 20 minutes of progress. Don’t ever say I don’t do anything for yall.

We fade in on Enya alone in her room.

Hol Horse: Yeah, I just arrived a second ago. I followed them all the way here. Still, an old woman like you shouldn’t be tasked with going after them all by your lonesome!
Enya: …-sob- Ooooh… -sniff- Waaaaah! Oh, Hol Horse!
Hol Horse: W-what’s wrong, Enya? Don’t cry!
Enya: I… I’m just so happy! Thank you, Hol Horse, for coming to keep a lonely old woman company… Thank god you came here… -sniffle- You were a friend of my son, weren’t you, Hol Horse?
Hol Horse: Huh? Uh, yeah… -ahem- We were friends!
Enya: Very good friends?
Hol Horse: Yeah! That’s right! Very good friends! We were an unstoppable combo! Is something wrong? You’re not your usual self today, Enya!
Enya: Did you come here to avenge my son?

Hol Horse: Why, I’d even use the famous cowboy phrase reserved for only your closest loved ones! He was my “giddy-up pardner”!
Enya: That’s why I’m happy!
Hol Horse: !?

Once you’re over 70, your battle cry becomes “Graaaawwww!!” no matter what it used to be. I don’t make the rules.

Hol Horse: O-owww!! Yeaarrrgh! Q-quit it, Enya!!!
Enya: How could you have the nerve to leave my son for dead!? I was set on killing you from the moment I saw you here! How dare you call yourself a friend to my son!? You shameless bastard!
Hol Horse: W-wait! You’ve got it all wrong! J. Geil was already dead by the time that happened!
Enya: Yaaaaaaaaah!! I’ll never forgive you! You’re as low as Polnareff! I’ll give you the honor of a swift death at the hands of my Stand, Justice!
Hol Horse: …Ju-
Enya: Justice!! The 11th arcanum that symbolizes all that is fair and righteous!! My Stand will judge you! You’ve probably heard rumors about it, but you’ve never seen it in action… Well, take a good look, Hol Horse!

Hol Horse: E-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!
Enya: What a nice, perfectly round hole… That fog is my Stand! Once they come into contact with it, all wounds, however small, will end up just like that! Looks like Justice wants to dance with you!
Hol Horse: Urgh! W-woah!! M-my arm is moving on its own… Auuuuuuggghhh!! It’s gonna break my bones!
Enya: When the hole is opened, my fog can enter and control you just like marionette strings… You’ll be my obedient little puppet! Now, die by your own hand, Hol Horse!

Hol Horse: M-mmmph… Pwah!!
Hol Horse: Good thing I trained so diligently to remove my gag reflex!
Hol Horse: G-god damn it! Don’t relax just yet! Die, you rotten old bat! Emperor!

Here lies Hol Horse. Peperony and chease.

Justice is another decent early example of a kind of esoteric Stand. Giant fog cloud that enters through wounds and turns people into puppets? Sure! How could our heroes possibly get out of this one with the power of punching things real hard, spirit photography, stretching real long, and having a sword?

Also notable to me is that like… an old lady wanting revenge for her only son being killed is not an unreasonable goal. If J. Geil wasn’t a rapist-murderer and Enya wasn’t obviously evil and also working for Dio - the man who lit a dog on fire when he was 12 - she’d be edging towards slightly sympathetic.

Enya: -gasp-!
Joseph: What’s up, Polnareff?
Polnareff: Nothing… I’m just gonna poke around the downstairs a bit. I’ll be in the lobby if you need anything.
Enya: (Curse you, Polnareffffff!! Coming in, are you!? I want to kill you so badly… Aaahhh… You’ll pay for my son’s life! I’ll string your guts our like tinsel!)

After the long cutscene, we get an opportunity to save, and we enter another long cutscene. Good thing they’re incredibly fun and engaging to transcribe like this! (THEY AREN’T)

Polnareff: You fell? You should be more careful! First your hand, now this… You’re gonna end up seriously hurting yourself!
Enya: Thank you! Sorry about that… I’ll be fine, really! (Just buzz off! Who said you could come in here!? Damn it aaalllll!! I had to stuff Hol Horse’s body underneath the sofa… He’ll surely find it there! I’ll have to remain calm… But no mistake, Polnareff! You’ll end up just like Hol Horse in a minute! All I have to do is injure you a little… Then you’ll be at the mercy of my Justice!)

You can in fact see Hol Horse’s body peeking out from under the couch if you look closely.

I know what I just said about Enya being almost sympathetic, but seeing as she isn’t, unintentionally tormenting her like this is actually pretty funny.

Enya: Oh, nothing… Nothing at all… Anyhow, it’s just little old me… (Just leave, you inconsiderate moron!!)
Polnareff: Hmmmm… I see… Don’t you get lonely? If your sons or grandsons were here, they’d be running around the lobby making a ruckus… Noisy, but it’s not bad to have an extra company.
Enya: G-grawww…
Polnareff: I guess your children must be older than me now… What happened to them? Did they move to the city?
Polnareff: Frankly, considering the condition of the town, I can’t say I blame them, but…
Enya: I had a son… But he’s dead now…
Polnareff: Oh… I… I’m so sorry! It must be a sore subject.

Polnareff: Pardon my rudeness… Here, let me give you a backrub. I’m also all alone… My mother died when I was young. You remind me a lot of her… This is bringing back memories! Just for tonight… Why don’t you pretend I’m your son… And let me take care of you?

I feel like this is a completely unhinged thing to say even at the best of times. About the only context where it doesn’t sound fucked up is one of those situations you see on “heartwarming video” compilations where an adult adoption or something is happening.

Polnareff: Hm? Did you hear something? Oh… Oh my god! Who is that!?
Enya: (Ho… Hol Horse! He’s still alive!?)

Did you really think Hol Horse would kill himself with his own magic gun?

Polnareff: You’re Hol Horse! …-gasp-!!
Enya: Kehhhhhhh!!

Polnareff: What!? W-what are you doing!?
Enya: Silence! I’m the mother of the man you killed… J. Geil!
Polnareff: Urk! …What!?
Enya: All those responsible for my son’s death must perish! Keeeeeeeee!!
Polnareff: M-MR. JOESTAR!!

Polnareff: A walking corpse…!?
Enya: Hee hee hee hee hee hee! This is the power of my Stand, Justice! Stands are one to a person… But my Justice is a fog that can manipulate dead bodies! My Stand can manipulate hundreds… no, thousands of dead bodies if it pleases! And even if you were to annihilate this entire army… You still wouldn’t damage me! Hya-hya-hya-hya-hya!!
Hol Horse: Every one of these townspeople… is dead… A-and if you get injured… You’ll end up just like this… Polnareff…
Polnareff: Y-your reason for hating me is totally backwards! And your Stand is just as twisted as your personality…
Polnareff: I can’t believe I considered calling you “Mommy”, even for a moment…
Enya: Just a tiny wound… Even the most negligible little scratch will do! My Stand will handle the rest! Attaaaaaaack!!
Polnareff: Silver Chariot!!!

Polnareff: Damn this woman! Cleaving one or two of them is no problem for my Stand, but… I know what to do in times like these… Run for the hills!
Hol Horse: Waaaaah! Polnareff! Don’t just ditch me here!!
Polnareff: Shut up, Hol Horse! I haven’t forgotten what you did to Abdul! Why should I help you!? Just die, asshole!

Polnareff: Jesus! She’s fast for an old crone!
Enya: Eat this!!!
Polnareff: Aaaaaaaaaaaugggghhh!!

Polnareff: -huff, huff, huff, huff- M-man, it’s dark in here! Isn’t this the way to the cellar? This isn’t good… If I call for the others here, they’ll never hear me. I could probably fight her normally, but if I get injured… I’ll end up like Hol Horse, with my body full of holes! Damn it! There’s gotta be an exit around here… Shit… I’d better hide in here!

Polnareff: (Fine! Come if you will! Smash the door in, I don’t care! When you enter, my Silver Chariot will slice all 4 of you up before you can say “zombie”!)
Polnareff: (…? W-what!? The noise stopped… What are they doing out there? C’mon! Do something already! …Fine, I’ll just take a little peek through the keyhole… then make a mad dash for the 3rd floor!)

There’s something wacky about this scene of all scenes getting unique portraits.

Polnareff: Whaaat!? Oh… oh no! They got my tongue!

Insert some kind of “French kiss” groaner here. It’s 8:30am and my Ritalin hasn’t quite kicked in yet, I’m doing my best.

Polnareff: A-ahh… Auuuuggghhh!! Yeep! A hole opened up!
Enya: Excellent! You’ve finally fallen into my Justice’s trap! You’d better open that door before your face is crushed, shit-for-brains!
Polnareff: A-auuuugghh… Ah… Ah… Eeeeeeeeee!!

Polnareff: N-nngaaaaahh…! Noooooooooooo!!

Polnareff is lifted up and slammed against the back wall!

Polnareff: !! What!? Nnngh! Mmmaauuggh!
Enya: Make it clean enough to lick! Lick it! Lick it! Taste it, Polnareffff!! Rerorerorerorero!!
Polnareff: A-ahhh… A-anything but that! Anything!! Aaaah… Help meeeeeeee!!
Enya: !!! Tch! Someone’s here!

Jotaro: What were you so preoccupied with that you couldn’t hear me? …Miss.
Enya: !!! O-oh, you did, did you…? I’m sorry… My hearing’s not what it used to be…
Jotaro: …Is that so? Anyway, have you seen Polnareff?
Enya: (Nnngghhh… What should I do? Should I play dumb and say I don’t know? No… This Jotaro brat… He’s sharper than Polnareff! He probably already suspects something! If I try to play innocent, it’s just going to make things worse… I’ll just have to tell him the truth! Then, when his back is turned, I’ll stab him with these scissors! My Stand will handle the rest!)

Polnareff: (Mmgh! Mmgh! T… that voice… It’s Jotaro! Shoot! He doesn’t know about her Stand yet! If he’s injured, it spells the end for both of us! …D-don’t come in here, you idiot! Tell the others! That old hag’s a Stand user!)
Enya: He’s in the bathroom! I saw him go in just a minute ago, Jotaro, sir!
Jotaro: …The bathroom, huh? Is that it?

Enya: A-ahh… That was close!
Jotaro: Yeah, no kidding. You shouldn’t run with scissors. Good thing nothing bad happened, huh?
Enya: W-waahhh…
Jotaro: Anyway, as I was saying… Sorry to ask you while you’re on the ground, but… Why did you call me Jotaro just now? I don’t recall giving you my name. No one ever called me that in front of you, either.
Enya: !! Rrrgghh…

Jotaro: Oh, by the guestbook… Do you mean this one?
Enya: Huh?

There’s a pool of random names that can be used instead of the player’s name. Hirohiko Araki is, of course, the creator of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. Other options include “Mohammed Abdul” (RIP); “Ikuro Hashizawa”, “B.T.”, or “Irene Rapona”, the main characters of previous Araki works; and “Doraecat”, an offbrand Doraemon that briefly cameoed during the Yellow Temperance fight.

Jotaro’s own pseudonym of “Q-taro” is almost certainly a reference to Little Ghost Q-taro, a Japanese cultural touchstone of the 1960s also by the creator of Doraemon.

Jotaro: I had a sneaking suspicion ever since you called Gramps by his name, so I instructed everyone not to use mine… Don’t play dumb. I already know you’re a Stand user, old lady. You just made it obvious.

You don’t get to join in on this fight unless you’re with Jotaro during the scene transition. Bit of a baffling move if you ask me, but I suppose it makes a certain amount of sense.

Jotaro: As a penalty for trying to pull one over on us… You’re gonna take us on 2 VS 1.
Enya: …Keh keh keh keh… 2 VS 1? 2 VS 1, you say? Keh keh keh keh keh keh…
Jotaro: Well? What’s wrong? Why won’t you show your Stand?

The corpse puppets jump us, but Star Platinum is faster.

Cascada: !.. My body… it’s being pulled by something!
Enya: Gyahahahahahahahaaa!! My Stand, Justice, always wins! That little scrape is enough! You’ve fallen into my trap, Jotaro!

Hol Horse: C-can you speak, Polnareff!? Nggh… Jotaro! It’s me! Hol Horse! Enya’s Stand is composed of fog! It creates holes out of wounds and uses them to puppeteer people! Living or dead, it doesn’t matter!
Enya: Swallow your arm and shut up, Hol Horse!
Hol Horse: Nngah!
Enya: Sorry, it’s not a 2 VS 1 at all! It’s a 2 VS the whole entire town!!

Fucking finally.

Enya: Keh-keh-kehhhh!! You fool! You think you can punch fog!? Can you cut it with a sword!? Shoot it with a gun!? It’s useless! Utterly useless! -cackle- Keh-keh-keh!! You can’t do aaaaaaanything!!
Hol Horse: T-this really is a top-level Stand… Our attacks won’t do a thing… Our Stands are no match… No Stand is a match for it…!
Enya: That’s right, keep going! Say it again! It’s music to my hears! Keh-keh-keh-keh! You’re under my control now, Jotaro!!

Despite what she says, Jotaro does not start the battle under her control.

Like some of the optional bosses we’ve encountered, the gimmick here is that Justice is effectively invulnerable and repeatedly resummons the corpse adds. Enya will either heal herself or inflict annoying debuffs. Meanwhile, the corpses can beat on us while we’re busy recovering from blindness or whatever.

Justice can also spread its fog, which has a chance of inflicting various status effects. It can blind you, knock you down, or…

Puppet status can’t be cured normally with items, you have to wait for it to wear off. Meanwhile, the affected party member is going to just start attacking. Thankfully this was pretty much at the end of the fight.

If you’re rolling with Jotaro solo, you’ll probably want to use Brainstorm. Star Platinum, uh, uses its super lung capacity (???) to inhale all the fog at once, rendering Enya unable to breathe and causing her to pass out. Fight over.

Polnareff: What’s it matter? Just give me the mouthwash. I need to disinfect my tongue.
Kakyoin: …I thought I heard him say something like… “Toilet”…
Joseph: -giggle-… Pfffffft!! (I already knew! This is just too funny to let go!)
Kakyoin: …Pfft! (You’re awful, Mr. Joestar.)
Polnareff: What!? You knew already!? Who told you!? Jotaro!? You were just messing with me! Damn it! I don’t want the mouthwash anyway!
Joseph: Sorry, sorry! Just let me take a look. We don’t want it getting infected. Since you… -ahem, ahem- …licked a toilet. Gahahahahaha! Hee hee hee!

From what I recall (I think a Mythbusters episode?), the top of the toilet seat is generally cleaner than say, an average countertop. The lid is usually covering it, and the only thing touching it is usually just the bare skin of your ass, which is usually only touching your pants and not exactly interacting with a lot of pathogens. That said, I mean… it’s a toilet.

There’s actually a slightly different line here for every single player Stand. Some of them don’t even offer mouthwash.

Jotaro: …What a pain.
Kakyoin: This journey really has been full of surprises… This time, the entire town was a Stand.
Cascada: Yeah, we saw.
Polnareff: I was pretty shocked myself!
Cascada: Out of all the Stands we’ve seen, none of them could act on this kind of scale…
Joseph: It constructed an entire town, moved the corpses, and even made them talk to us… For someone so old, her Stand is quite tenacious. Maybe it gets more powerful the more the user’s hatred grows, just like that Devo fellow’s…
Polnareff: And to top it off, she’s gotta be faster than Florence Joyner!

I admit I had to look this up. Florence Joyner was an Olympic sprinter, setting world records in 100m and 200m sprints during the 1988 Olympics. Her records still stand as of this writing.

Polnareff: Yeah! That’s what I’m worried about!
Joseph: Well, I talked it over with Jotaro, and… We’re taking her with us.
Polnareff: W-we’re taking her with us!?
Jotaro: There’s a veritable mountain of information we need to get out of her. The other Stand users that are coming to attack us… Where in Egypt Dio is hiding… Something to narrow down our search. Also… We need to know what kind of Stand power Dio has. If we can force it out of her, we’ll have an overwhelming advantage against him.
Kakyoin: I don’t think she’s going to talk that easily.
Polnareff: Why don’t we just torture her? That could be fun!
Cascada: Hey Polnareff, what the fuck?
Polnareff: She made me lick a toilet! Death is too cheap!!

Hol Horse: Sorry, I’m sticking with Dio! See you later… If you don’t die, that is!
Polnareff: Get back here, bastard! That’s our car!
Hol Horse: As thanks, lemme tell you something! You’d better kill that old woman right now! If you bring her with you, Dio’ll show you what true fear really is! Later!

Araki has indicated that he had some early plans for Hol Horse to join the party - there are even a few chapter-extra group shots with him included - but decided against it because he would have served the same purpose in the dynamic as Polnareff. Instead he gets to be a recurring comedy villain, which is almost as good.

These updates are getting too fucking long, I might have to impose some kind of self-imposed limit just so I don’t go insane. Either way, see you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, the crew beat an old woman unconscious and decided to drag her limp body across Pakistan. Let’s see how that’s working out for them.

Since the Foggy Village had no real opportunities to grind or restock, we get to hang out at this rest stop for a bit.

Cascada: Are we about to get jumped again?
Steel: What a catastrophe… We’re without a car. But more catastrophic… Is the 6 Stand users I can sense within this rest stop!!
Cascada: WAIT WHAT
Steel: …Just messing with you. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I can only sense you 5 and Enya right now.
Cascada: one of these days i am going to feed you to my stand you asshole

Everyone is here and free to tag along. The restaurant has the same offerings as Kolkata and Varanasi.

I burned a bunch of these status drinks during the Justice fight. I stock back up and start rolling with Joseph.

Remember, the R patch removes random encounters, but this zone still has to let you grind somehow. Now this tile in the corner spawns in an enemy.

A trash mob that’s more annoying than anything else at this point, with shit EXP yield, but pretty much any battle would have pushed the old timer over the threshold. Everybody else can wait until the actual hub map.

Calling doner kebab “the hamburger of the Middle East” is such a bizarre statement to me. First off, we’re in Pakistan, which I don’t think of as the Middle East. It strikes me as more South or West Asia. If we were actually in the Middle East this would probably be shawarma instead.

Secondly, hamburgers as your point of comparison? Really? I guess if you’re using “hamburger” here to spiritually mean “fast food”… The sandwich-y version of doner kebab imagined here wasn’t really popularized until the 1960s, introduced to our lily-white friends in Europe mostly via Turkish immigrants in Germany.

Joseph: Ten bucks?
Joseph: …I thought it would be ten each…
Cascada: You really ARE British…

Remember when I said JoJo presents everyone in countries that aren’t Japan as crooks and swindlers?

The text boxes in this game usually don’t include the manga’s narration. It’s making my job harder (I have to upload more images) and I don’t like it.

Joseph: Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Polnareff: If Abdul were here, he’d know how to handle this…
Cascada: You got six plane tickets from Japan to Egypt overnight, chartered a ship in Hong Kong, AND bought a brand new Land Cruiser without batting an eye, but you’re haggling over LUNCH?
Kakyoin: It’s the principle of the matter, Cascada. An automobile corporation is an inherently trustworthy entity, but we can’t let these foreigners swindle us.
Jotaro: …Give me a @#S% break…

30 American Cents in 1988 money would have been about 5 Pakistani rupees and 40 paise (aside: Pakistani rupees haven’t used paise subunits for a decade), but I have no idea how much a kebab would have actually cost in Pakistan in 1988. I looked up current prices from a random kebab shop in Karachi and a lamb doner goes for 1779 rupees, which as of this writing is about $6.40.

Cascada: Not even fo-
Enya: Not even for a delicious doner kebab!
Cascada: Damn.

That was no mere kebab stand owner! It’s an enemy Stand-user!

Polnareff: W-what!? These tentacles…
Enya: Why did you come to kill me…! Steely Dan!!
Steely Dan: Lord Dio trusts no-one. I came here to shut you up for good… And to take care of these five.
Enya: Gggghhhhhh… Blaauuugghhh!!
Polnareff: Enya!

Polnareff: What the hell was that for!? She’s on your side!
Enya: You’re… you’re lying… Lord Dio would… never… do this to me…
Kakyoin: The thing coming out of her face isn’t a Stand! It’s tangible!
Cascada: I-is that… Could it be!?

Kakyoin: It’s a flesh bud!
Polnareff: Enya!

Joseph: It… it disintegrated in the sunlight! It’s made from Dio’s cells! That’s a flesh bud!
Steely Dan: Indeed! Good observation! Dio planted the bud in her body. I just made it grow. Enya… I heard that you were the one who taught Lord Dio about Stands. But did you really think he’d trust a lowly old woman like you with his secrets? Did you think you were special?
Enya: -huff, huff, huff-

“The secret of Dio’s Stand” is practically a McGuffin unto itself for the rest of Part 3. I pointed this out during the Emperor & Hanged Man update: Araki’s realized by this stage that for the story to be narratively satisfying, the heroes can’t win until they figure out what their enemy’s Stand can do and subvert it somehow. Dio is the looming final boss, and his Stand looms equally.

Alas, pretty much everybody knows by now what it does via memetic spread.

Steely Dan: !!
Joseph: Tell us! Enya, he’s betrayed you! You put all your hopes in Dio, but he just proved that he doesn’t care about you at all! He’s not the man you thought he was! We have to defeat Dio! Please! We’re counting on you! Tell us!! What is Dio’s Stand!?
Enya: Lord… Dio…

Steely Dan: Pft… heh heh… heh heh heh heh heh… Ha ha ha! How sad… heh heh heh! What a sad old granny! I can’t believe she actually thought that Lord Dio cared for her! I guess that’s just how powerful his influence is… Heh heh heh heh heh!
Polnareff: My feelings towards Enya are complicated… She was the mother of my sister’s killer… But I’m going to kill you.
Steely Dan: Awww, sad you lost your sugar momma, Polnareff? Boo hoo!
Kakyoin: Polnareff… there were cougars in our area and you were holding out on me…?
Joseph: …
Kakyoin: Even though this is a 5 on 1, we won’t hold back. Prepare yourself.
Cascada: …I can’t say that that woman was a good person… But you’re too low to even be called a person at all. You’re disgusting!
Steely Dan: At least I bathe regularly! Your body odor is so strong it’s overpowering the delicious doner kebab.

Jotaro: Don’t put on airs, idiot. We’re coming for you whether you’re ready or not.
Steely Dan: By all means, go ahead! But you’ll never be able to lay a finger on me, Steely Dan! Becaus-

Cascada: M-Mr. Joestar!?
Polnareff: Mr. Joestar went flying the same way Steely Dan did!
Steely Dan: Nggh… Idiot… You should let me finish! You almost killed your own grandfather… As I was saying… Did you think I came here just to get rid of Enya?
Joseph: B-bastard…! You said your Stand was the Lovers… J-just what does it do!?
Steely Dan: It’s already started working, Mr. Joestar. Fools… You can search all your want, but I guarantee you won’t find my Stand.

Joseph’s sprite does a little hop here.

Oops! This is probably meant to be Polnareff’s line.

Steely Dan: You still haven’t noticed, Joseph Joestar!? My Stand can go inside people’s bodies! The instant Enya died, it flew into your brain through your ear!
Kakyoin: My Stand can go inside people too. That’s nothing special.
Steely Dan: Only through the mouth! If your Stand is a common hamburger, then mine is a delicious doner kebab!
Joseph: What!?
Steely Dan: To be specific… It’s in the brain stem, the part of your brain where all the nerve endings are. Now, can you guess why?

Steely Dan: Plus, my Lovers brought one of Dio’s spores along with it! It’s making it grow inside your brain! In about 10 minutes, your brain will be devoured and you’ll die just like Enya!

If you remember Update 5, I complained that Joseph didn’t just use the Ripple to immediately fry the flesh bud in Kakyoin, and I’m going to complain about it again right now. At least here you could argue that even without the flesh bud, Lovers is going to cause enough damage on its own.

Typical child. Torturing senior citizens for fun and profit.

Steely Dan: In truth, my Stand, Lovers, is extremely weak. It doesn’t even have the strength to move a strand of hair. It may be the weakest Stand in history… But you don’t need power to kill. Understand? If I were in a traffic accident… Hit by a baseball… Even if I were to trip and fall… Your body would sustain that damage several times over, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: Nngh… Even my prosthetic hand can feel it!
Steely Dan: And in 10 minutes, you’ll end up just like Enya…

Okay, I know this is JoJo, shit often doesn’t make logical sense and we like it that way, but! The idea here is that Lovers is doing this not via some special Stand ability, but by directly attacking the nerves in Joseph’s brain. That could certainly be painful, and if Lovers decides to sever the brain stem or something then it could obviously be fatal, but it’s not like the injuries are actually happening to Joseph. If Steely Dan’s arm broke then it would hurt like hell but Joseph’s arm wouldn’t break, would it?

Kakyoin: Jotaro, calm down! Don’t do anything stupid!
Jotaro: I’ll kill him in the blink of an eye… I won’t give him a chance to feel any pain.
Steely Dan: In the blink of an eye? Wow, great idea! Why don’t you try it, Jotaro? Interesting… Where are you going to hit me? My face? My throat?
Jotaro: I was thinking I’d rip your balls off…
Joseph: NO!!!
Steely Dan: What’s wrong? Try it! What’ve you got to lose? Open up a hole in my lungs! Maybe you don’t want to use your Stand… How about a rock? Here, this one looks plenty big enough.
Kakyoin: Primal theory has been disproven for decades.
Both: GET HIM WITH THE ROCK JOTARO

Steely Dan: Urk…
Joseph: Ngh! -koff, koff-
Kakyoin: Don’t be hasty, Jotaro! You’ve already seen what he can do! Are you really going to kill your grandfather!?
Polnareff: I wouldn’t put it past him…
Steely Dan: Y-you really had me going there… YOU have no right to be talking down to ME.

Joseph: Jotaro!!
Kakyoin: W-what should we do…?
Steely Dan: Let me be clear here, Jotaro. After that geezer kicks the bucket…
Cascada: Watch out!

Jotaro: Ngh!
Steely Dan: I’ll implant my Lovers in your brain and kill you, too!
Polnareff: T-this is terrible…
Steely Dan: Wahahahahahahahahaaaa!!

This is a slightly mundane way of putting it. Joseph (Young) got his ass kicked some ancient Aztec super-vampires but managed to get a couple licks in. In respect for his gumption, instead of killing him outright they used their flesh manipulating powers to stick a ring filled with poison around Joseph’s heart, set to trigger on a time limit.

Kakyoin: -whisper, whisper-
Joseph: ! Good idea!
Kakyoin: Let’s try to get a safe distance away. I hate to say it, but we’ll have to leave the enemy to Jotaro… Polnareff! Come with us!
Polnareff: Uh, sure!
Cascada: In that case, I’ll…

Now, ordinarily, we’d be all for the option where The Machine ends up in the boss fight so she can blast it down with her cool arm cannon. Unfortunately, we can’t do that this time, for reasons that will be apparent shortly.

Cascada: He might even pull it out, and that’d just be a disaster.
Joseph: I see your point!
Jotaro: -frown-
Kakyoin: Got it. We’re counting on you!

The screen fades to white as the rest of the party bails. Not sure why, because it immediately cuts back to the same shot.

Steely Dan: Oh, I see how it is… They think that if they get far away enough, my Stand will disappear. Unfortunately, the weaker the Stand, the longer the range… And with my Lovers being as weak as it is, its range surpasses any other Stand’s. It must be about… 60 miles?

Steely Dan: Hmph. Are you going to follow me until Joseph dies?
Jotaro: Your name is Dan, right?
Steely Dan: STEELY Dan! You have to say the whole thing!
Jotaro: I’m going to make you pay.
Steely Dan: Heh heh heh… In that case, I’d better rack up my debt while I can! Let’s take a look inside your wallet… Tch! Is this all you’ve got!?

TAG Heuer is a luxury Swiss watch brand, the kind where the low end of the price scale is still like $4000. The TAG stands for “Techniques d’Avant Garde”, which I find inexplicably funny.

Meanwhile…

Joseph: Did you think we were just running away, Polnareff? We’re gonna fight the Stand from inside the brain!
Kakyoin: You’re helping too, Polnareff.
Polnareff: Huh?

Polnareff: S-so there’s a tiny Stand inside Mr. Joestar’s brain… That much I get, but… How are we gonna fight this thing?
Kakyoin: We’re going to send our Stands into Mr. Joestar’s body and exterminate it! Since Stands are just projections of our energy, we can just shrink them!
Polnareff: A-are you for real, Kakyoin!?
Kakyoin: I’ll show him! My Stand can go in through the ear, too!
Joseph: Hey, be gentle!
Polnareff: We’re really gonna do it!?
Kakyoin: Time is of the essence! Let’s go, Polnareff!

Let’s take a brief detour into another timeline here where Cascada went with the boys.

A handful of player Stands - the ones that are closer to being objects than creatures - can’t shrink down. Since Cascada can’t fight the boss anyway, might as well send her with Jotaro to get those tiny scraps of unique dialogue.

Okay, back to reality.

Did you think “laparoscopy” would be on the list of Hermit Purple’s powers?

The timer begins ticking, which I understand will stress out some of you so much that you might never play this video game. I’m here to tell you that it’s not really a problem as long as you aren’t getting up and making a sandwich (even then, honestly).

All throughout the ear canal map are flesh bud encounters meant to slow you down more than anything else. They’re chumps and have a 5% chance to drop the best healing item in the game, but that’s no reason to waste time fighting them.

This is also a similar situation to the Ghost Ship. The normal version of the game has these as random encounters while the R patch has them as obstacles in your path moving back and forth.

The timer ticks down in battle and while dialogue boxes are up, but it stops if you’re in the menu.

I get turned around and spend a solid minute going down this dead-end spiral. …“Dead-End Spiral” is also the name of my next band.

I went down pretty much every wrong path possible and blundered into a bunch of fights and still had almost 7 minutes to spare. No problem.

Joseph: H-hold on a minute! Those are Stands! Can’t you just phase through it?
Kakyoin: No, not at this size… The wall’s too thick. Don’t worry, the hole will be microscopic. It’s going to take a couple minutes to burrow through. If we don’t, the enemy will do even worse damage… It may even be doing so as we speak.
Polnareff: Staying this small is pretty tiring… Let’s make this quick.

Meanwhile…

Steely Dan: Hey, Jotaro. Be a bridge for me so I can cross.
Jotaro: …
Steely Dan: What, are you not gonna do it?
Jotaro: Are you screwing with me?
Steely Dan: Yes, obviously.
Cascada: ! …J-Jotaro!
Steely Dan: Are you deaf AND stupid!? I told you to become a bridge! If I kick this barrel here, Joseph will feel it multiplied several times over! Are you just gonna stand by and watch, you ungrateful brat!?
Jotaro: …

Cascada: (Please… don’t pull it out…)
Steely Dan: All right… Now, Jotaro… Just keep your mouth shut and listen to what I say.
Jotaro: …
Steely Dan: Hm? Hey, Jotaro! My back itches. Scratch it.

A lot of misattributed text boxes lately.

Joseph: A-ahhh! Ohhh…
Polnareff: Hey, what’s wrong!?
Joseph: I-I feel like my back is being tickled… I-I can’t concentrate on my Stand! Ohhh… O-ohhhhhhh!!
Kakyoin: Ah!

Everyone else on the street has turned to look at the old white man groaning while pressing his hands up against the glass and watching the TV showing the fleshy insides of the human body.

Polnareff: Kakyoin! Just buy the TV so we can get out of here!
Kakyoin: I-I can’t carry an entire CRT television by myself!

Steely Dan: …! (Tch… So they’ve made their Stands go inside Joseph’s body… Do they intend to fight me? I can see them… They’re going through the blood vessels to the medulla oblongata, where my Lovers is hiding… Hmph!)

Polnareff: There it is!
Kakyoin: L-look! It’s digging up brain cells with its claws and using them as fertilizer for the spore! We have to defeat him before he digs up the spore’s roots!
Polnareff: No problem! Leave it to me… I’ll chop him to bits! …No, not into bits… Into chunks, like a turnip!
Kakyoin: That seems like a needless distinction at this stage.
Polnareff: It’s easier when you’re in a hurry.

Polnareff: Not bad… But that speed doesn’t hold a candle to that of my Chariot! You’re 10 years too early! Ora!!

Polnareff: N-no… It was too shallow! He’s seriously fast… But I can read him like a book. He’s no match for me.
Kakyoin: Polnareff… Who are you talking to!?

Kakyoin: Polnareff! That’s not me! Neither is the Lovers you cut… Look! It’s dissolving!
Polnareff: Wooaaagghhhhhh!! Whaaat!?

Steely Dan: I’m in a great mood today! I want my shoes so clean that I can see the sky in them!

Steely Dan: W-w-what the hell is this!?
Jotaro: It’s all the things you owe me. Mark my words, I’ll make you pay for them… I’m a bit forgetful, so I’m writing them down.
Steely Dan: ! …A-are you screwing with me!? What gives you the right!? You little shit! Heh heh heh… I just got an idea… Hey, you over there. You’re coming with me, too.
Cascada: (I shoulda gone with Mr. Joestar…)

Steely Dan: In Aesop’s fable, the tortoise beats the hare because it knows the extent of its abilities! Same goes for me! I know that I don’t have the power or speed to inflict mortal wounds… My plan was in motion from the moment I admitted my own weakness!
Kakyoin: Emerald Splash!!

Joseph: Polnareff! That’s enough! Bring your Stand back! I can’t watch you get hurt because of me!
Kakyoin: …W-what about me?
Joseph: …
Polnareff: Ugh… This is getting us nowhere!
Joseph: Pull back! You’re going to die!
Kakyoin: No matter how hard I look, I just don’t get it! Where’s the real thing!? Where’s the Stand!?

Like the Joey fight in Varanasi, this is a situation where only one of the various Lovers enemies is the “real” one that will end the battle when defeated. They’ll all chip away at you every turn and try to hit you with status effects like Berserk that prevent you from selecting targets.

We know how to deal with this shit, though. If we don’t know where to hit, then hit everything!

Each “clone” has a chance to drop Meat Spray, a reference to a Stand from Part 7 (Steel Ball Run). It restores 20%+55 HP and each one can be used 5 times, like Bottled Water. We get five out of this battle; a solid boon.

Whether you inflict enough damage to “defeat” Lovers or a certain number of turns pass (only the real one drops EXP and money, so there’s the proof I managed it), things proceed the same way.

Steely Dan: Heh heh heh… As if! You really thought that was me!? Idiots! I don’t even need to fight you… I’ll just evade until you die from the torment!
Kakyoin: Ugh… I can’t keep this up much longer…
Steely Dan: Heh heh… Heheheh… Hahaha!

Steely Dan: If I give it to a girl as a present, she’ll be thrilled… See the slots in the glass, Jotaro? I want you to pull it out with your Stand. Don’t make me repeat myself, dumbass! Hurry up and steal it!
Jotaro: I promised Gramps I wouldn’t pull it out…
Steely Dan: Fine then… I’ll just shatter the glass and steal it myself! But if I get caught and they kick my ass, Joseph will probably die from the pain… C’mon, do it! The clerk’s back is turned!
Jotaro: Ugh…

Steely Dan: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! This guy just stole somethiiiing!!
Jotaro: ! …You piece of…
Steely Dan: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

I’d say Pakistan is still in Asia…

We get some generic “beating up” sounds here as the screen fades to black.

Yeah yeah, random customer. We’ve all heard that one before.

Steely Dan: Hee hee hee! Haw haw haw haw!! Nice job! Thanks to your distraction, I made off with something even better!
Jotaro: Hm… hm hm hm… Heh heh… Heh heh heh…
Steely Dan: Mmgh… Hey! What’s so funny!?
Jotaro: Heh heh heh… Nothing. I’m just so excited for when I finally get to kick your ass that I can’t keep it in…
Steely Dan: You little…!! I don’t think you understand the situation you’re in… Your grandpa is going to die within seconds!
Jotaro: Heh heh heh… You really don’t get it.

Cascada: -whispering- …Do WE? We’ve known him for two weeks.
Jotaro: He’s a cougar-hunting dandy who sucks on cherries and thinks he’s the smartest person in the room at all times.
Cascada: …okay, I mean, yeah…

Jotaro: Heh heh… Ha ha ha…
Steely Dan: Yeah, laugh it up… If that’s how you feel…

Cascada: Oh, NOW I’m here?
Steely Dan: It’s a little hard to miss you! Har har!
Cascada: Get better material, asshole.

I knew the dialogue changed if you were playing as a female player character, but I didn’t know until now that it also changed depending on which body type you picked. If you aren’t playing as the Short or Chubby types, he’ll outright threaten assault rather than public humiliation.

Cascada: You probably couldn’t handle this anyway.
Steely Dan: All right… in that case, let’s start the show! Heh heh heh heh!
Cascada: …“When the enemy is sure they’ve won…”
Jotaro: …“They’ve already lost.”
Steely Dan: Whaaaaaaaaat!?

Steely Dan: Geh!! When did it touch me!?
Kakyoin: It’s you!! You were hiding behind the flesh bud!
Steely Dan: Gnyaaaaaaggghhhhh!!!
Polnareff: We got 'im!!
Kakyoin: It knows it can’t win this fight, so it’s fleeing! It’s trying to leave Mr. Joestar’s brain!
Joseph: What? It’s leaving?
Polnareff: That’s great!

Polnareff: There it goes! It’s heading back!
Kakyoin: This isn’t good… Jotaro doesn’t know about it yet!
Joseph: I’d better get rid of this flesh bud… Overdrive!

The TV anime includes a bit here where Joseph zaps the flesh bud with his Ripple powers. The manga doesn’t.

Steely Dan: -huff, huff, huff, huff-
Jotaro: Hey now, where do you think you’re going? Did something happen to my grandpa over there? Mind sharing?

Jotaro: You, who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
Steely Dan: (Just a little longer… My Stand will return soon! That idiot Jotaro has no idea what he’s in for!)

Steely Dan: Gnyaaaaagghhhhh!! M-my arm! My leg!
Jotaro: You must’ve thought you were pretty clever. But you must’ve known about Star Platinum’s incredible precision… Did you research us at all before coming here?
Steely Dan: I-I-I didn’t mean to do anything! That Stand of yours…
Jotaro: “That Stand of yours”? Excuse me?
Steely Dan: N-no! Y-your Stand’s strength and sense of justice is unparalleled, honorable one!
Cascada: And mine?
Steely Dan: I… have no idea what your Stand is but I’m sure it’s cool and strong!
Cascada: Weak answer. Kick his ass, Jotaro.
Steely Dan: I-I wasn’t really trying to go in through your ear… I was just retrieving it! Honest!

Jotaro: …Never show your face in front of us again. You hear?
Steely Dan: I promise!! I promise!! I’ll go all the way to the gates of Hell if it means never meeting you again!
Jotaro: You’re not lying? If I ever see you again, I’ll beat you to death.
Steely Dan: I would never! I wouldn’t dare lie!
Jotaro: Hmm… Then I’ll leave you to it. Get the fuck out of here.
Steely Dan: …Jotarooooo… Gwahahahahahahaha!! You fooooool!!

I believe this was a child passersby in the manga. Kinda sucks that Cascada has to take the role of damsel in such a situation, but it is what it is.

Cascada: ! …When did he…!?
Steely Dan: Good thing your stupid friend was here… Ha ha ha! Heh heh… Hm hm hm… Hahahahaha! I’ll stab you in the back with this knife! That way, we’ll both be crippled! Attack me with Star Platinum, and your friend is history! Or are you going to stand idly by as they die in pain!? Nhahahaha!

Jotaro: Go ahead. Stab me.
Steely Dan: Agh! Hey! Didn’t I tell you not to move!? I’m pretty sure I… told… you… Huh!? What!?
Jotaro: What’s wrong? Weren’t you gonna stab me? Like this…?
Steely Dan: Nnngyaaaahh!! M-my body won’t move… W-why!?
Jotaro: It’s like you said… The Stand and the user are connected.
Steely Dan: What!? Urgh! D-did you tie up my Stand!? How!?
Jotaro: You didn’t notice? Kakyoin used his Hierophant to tie your Stand up, then he let you escape…

Steely Dan: Ah… Eeeeeeeeek! Please forgive meeeeeee!!
Jotaro: If it’s forgiveness you want, ask Enya for it. We never intended to let you go free.
Cascada: It’s just as he says. Looks like you’ll be repenting in the next world soon…
Jotaro: You won’t even make it to Snake Way…
Cascada: Where the hell did you find Jump here in Pakistan? You’re holding out on me!
Steely Dan: …D-Dio gave me a lot of money to kill you! Y-you can have it all!

In the manga, this beatdown lasts for three whole pages. I had to cut this .gif down by over half to fit it within the upload limit. It rules.

Next time, we can finally escape the Manga Mandated Plot Zone and do some faffing about in a hub map. Thank fucking god. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we had a fantastic voyage to the center of Joseph’s brain. This time, we finally get a chance to relax and putz around a hub town.

Cascada: Steel, what’s the rundown on the Stand users in the area?
Steel: That fight left quite a bitter taste in my mouth… Though Enya’s an enemy, I can’t help but pity her. There don’t appear to be any Tarot assassins in town, but I do sense a Stand user’s presence in that peculiar mansion. And it reeks of blood… Whoever’s in there, he’s a cold-blooded killer. Once you’re finished with your preparations, go to the meeting point at the harbor down south.
Cascada: A mansion? I won’t have to put any crests into any slots, will I?
Steel: …probably not…
Cascada: Hmm.

Mr. Tutorial’s also hanging out over here.

PDB:

Those giant flies that spew fire… That’s a Stand called Fireflies! It’s easy to see where the name comes from. It implants fire into the bodies of actual flies and controls them. It takes a lot of energy to make them that big, so the user’s pretty weak.

I stock up on some curatives. I’d rather not be dipping into the usable-in-battle drinks while on the field if possible.

Cascada: You holding up okay after that Steely Dan stuff, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: I never want to see the insides of my own body ever again…
Cascada: Wanna walk around and get some local food?
Joseph: …Okay.

Cascada: The elderly tend to be targeted more often. I’ll look out for you.
Joseph: I didn’t have a wacky minecart chase with an ancient superbeing while actively bleeding out to take lip from you, kid.

Karachi’s a small but relatively dense map with a lot of enemy encounters, probably to make up for the fact we just went through four story segments without a real chance to grind or stock up (no, the Foggy Village and Rest Stop do not count). We go for a broad clockwise lap with Joseph in tow before I realize I probably should have switched it up a little more.

Just on this shot alone you can see three things chasing me down, and a fourth is covered by the text box.

Cascada: Oof. Guess my sister is gonna have to settle for the Chinese tea set.

As an example, here’s a bus from Amherst, Massachusetts that was painted by Phool Patti, a truck art business in Karachi:

Cascada: Is that a hospital over there?
Joseph: Urgh… do we have to?
Cascada: We’re just asking around. They’ll know the best lunch spots.

This is a full heal, albeit an expensive one. If you recall Update 6, you can get the Sickly trait early on by telling Mom you need extra medicine, which causes a variable to tick up until you pass out and either respawn at the hospital or skip a day resting at the hotel. Getting an examination will reset that back to zero.

More RPG Maker wackiness: the way the variable ticks up is that there are a smattering of tiles on each hub map that’ll increase it. It’s entirely possible to either skip them by chance or blunder into all of them and screw yourself over.

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User is dedicated to the brave Mujahideen fighters of Afghanistan

The mansion is the big optional thing here in Karachi, if you haven’t realized by now.

Cascada: I thought this was SUMMER vacation…

It ain’t winter here but I am attempting to write this update in 90+ Fahrenheit weather. That’s 32-35 for you Centigrade folks. It sucks and I want to go to sleep.

Also, this girl is a cameo of Part 6’s protagonist, Jolyne Kujo.

Cascada: -sigh- Should we check out this mansion, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: With me? Are you sure? What about your Friendship Tracker?
Cascada: Wait you know about that?
Joseph: We hear you talk to your pocket radio all the time but everyone’s too polite to say anything.
Cascada: I, uh, I mean… let me think about it.

Where doesn’t! Global warming!! Ahhh!!!

A couple of player Stands can help fix this problem, but with a few more provisos than usual. You need to be at least level 30, have over 300 SP, and the Holly Timer has to be under 30 days. At least, according to my guide; I’ve never actually seen this one.

Murderdolls are still here. There’s only one new entry on the encounter table in Karachi, but I didn’t screenshot it until a bit later and placing images out of chronological order actually makes it a fair bit more tedious to assemble these updates.

thanks guy who let me into his house on a street in Karachi, i’ll keep that in mind
_{(i feel like “haha people let you into their house in jrpgs it’s so weirdddd” jokes are fruit hanging so low they have already fallen and fermented on the ground and been eaten by monkeys who think they know how to “fix” jrpgs but as noted it is 95 degrees outside and also jojo nominally takes place in the real world so i mean cut me some slack okay…)}

We may have to investigate this.

I GET IT WE’LL INVESTIGATE

Cascada: How’s this place look for lunch, Mr. Joestar?
Joseph: Hrm…

Joseph: Oourgh… maybe I’m still too queasy…
Cascada: Normally I’d say something but you get a pass this ONCE.

Joseph: Hol Horse…
Cascada: Oh right, should we get some takeout or something?
Joseph: Shhh!

The game screws me over here. I said ages ago that Joseph’s food commentary is only in Hong Kong and Singapore because I genuinely thought that was the case. Turns out, no! It’s just a fucking random chance it happens while he’s in your party!! Why!!! (We will accordingly give Karachi the proper Food Tour treatment later, I promise.)

A slightly weird thing for another Part 6 cameo (Foo Fighters, aka F.F.) to say but whatever. These days it’s more about getting hit by a bus and then getting some kind of cheat skill or whatever (isekai sucks do not @ me).

Joseph: …
Cascada: …? What’s up?
Joseph: Hm? Oh, nothing… Just got me thinking about an old friend.
Cascada: What did? …The bubbles?
Joseph: Yeah… They remind me of a buddy of mine who trained in the Ripple with me and fought by my side a long, long time ago.
Cascada: Is this the guy who actively worked with the Nazis?
Joseph: There was a lot going on back then! The entire world was at stake!!

Cascada: The Ripple, huh? I learned a bit from a manual back in Calcutta.
Joseph: You did!? Normally it takes decades of training or a genetic predisposition…
Cascada: If it’s just special breathing, how did you train it?
Joseph: Well, there was a giant spire covered in oil…
Cascada: never mind let’s move on

That kid mentioned a game at the bookstore…

Cascada: Sorry kid, maybe you should have killed more assassins and taken their money.

We didn’t even have to wait in line and get robbed by a yakuza punk, leading Kiryu Kazuma on a wacky chain of events, to get it! Or wait for Square Enix’s overpriced remake!

A bit north and we’re back where we started.

Joseph: Sorry, Cascada. I think I’ll just go rest in the hotel. I’ll buy you dinner later, okay?
Cascada: Oh, fine. Take care, old timer.

There’s another restaurant in the upper right corner of the map.

WE GET IT

Cascada: How’s the food here, Polnareff?
Polnareff: It’s exactly the same as at the hotel.
Cascada: Okay, come on…
Polnareff: Non, non, I’m serious. EXACTLY the same.
Cascada: Huh. Bizarre…

I obviously haven’t been posting screenshots of it, but we’ve been fighting a ton of encounters around here; I’m trying to get everybody up to at least level 24. Naturally, Cascada’s higher than all the rest.

Cascada learns her penultimate (natural) technique!

It’s not very strong at all, but it’s Quicksilver’s only Short-range attack and gives Cascada some much needed sustainability especially when supported by another party member. We’ll see it in action soon, but first we need to detour into the “I Load My Save After This Because I’m Still Trying To Keep Polnareff’s FP Down” Zone.

Cascada: What’s wrong, Polnareff? You don’t look so good…
Polnareff: M-my stomach just started hurting really badly…

Cascada: When was the last time you took a dump? Be honest.
Polnareff: …
Cascada: WHEN!?
Polnareff: …the charter ship…
Cascada: ARE YOU SHITTING ME
Polnareff: I’m about to!

Polnareff enters and exits in a moment.

Cascada: …Polnareff?
Polnareff: Cascada, my friend! Life is wonderful! I’ve never felt so refreshed! You’re not gonna believe this! This house’s toilets… are western style! Da-dadada-daaaaaaa!!
Cascada: …T-that’s nice…
Polnareff: C’mon! Let’s move it!

This event boosts Polnareff’s FP by a full 3 points, equivalent to covering his back as he confronts his sister’s killer. Alas, I load a save immediately afterwards, so Polnareff is denied his sweet relief and drops back down to 7.

Also, I know what I said a while ago about trying to keep Jotaro, Joseph, and Abdul even, but it looks like that ship has mostly sailed due to my own negligence. Jotaro was in the lead for the back half of the poll anyway, that’s the story I’m going with. Speaking of…

Polnareff: I really need to find a bathroom that doesn’t use a squat toilet…
Jotaro: What about the hotel room?
Polnareff: …I’ll see you later.

Jotaro: More dolls… is that Joey guy here?
Cascada: i shall tear out his tongue burn his skin freeze his eyes but i shall permit him his ears so he may hear his own screams his nose to smell his own filth every instant of his worthless existence will be a living torment
Jotaro: …forget it.

He’s pretty far ahead of the rest EXP wise, so we roll with Jotaro pretty much only to get his event in the map.

Cascada: You were too soft on him.
Jotaro: He’s just a civilian… Didn’t even need my Stand.
Cascada: You should have AT MINIMUM thrown him in the sea.

Jotaro: Gramps told me there were zombies around… but Enya’s dead…
Cascada: (Vins was here…)

Here are the new enemies, which have about 200% and 130% of the HP of a bog-standard zombie respectively. They are accordingly no threat whatsoever.

There’s a bit of extra dialogue if we speak to the Jolyne cameo with Jotaro in tow.

Cascada: Damn, you struck out harder than Kakyoin.
Jotaro: -frown-

Cascada: Yeah, they got everything here. I snagged a copy of Dragon Quest III.
Jotaro: Kakyoin said something about that earlier. Don’t remember what.

Cascada: Hey Kakyoin, you know about this Dragon Quest thing?
Kakyoin: Is there anyone from Japan who doesn’t? It’s sold out nationwide. Anybody with a Famicom is desperate to get their hands on it.

Cascada would absolutely brag about it, but we need to get Kakyoin over a certain FP threshold for an upcoming battle. Alas.

Kakyoin: !!
Cascada: Check it out, Kakyoin! Dragon Quest III!

Cascada: I-I’ve been suckered!!

If you’re with Kakyoin when you go into the bookstore, he’ll stop you from buying the game, even if you go back later with someone else. We do not want this to happen, because Dragon Question III is a special tool that will help us later (in NG+).

Cascada: I’m gonna kick that shopkeeper’s ass. Who’s with me?
Jotaro: Sounds boring.
Cascada: Killjoy.

Cascada: Huh. Gotta be honest, didn’t expect that.
Kakyoin: How dare this filthy foreigner trample upon the sanctity of the greatest of Japan’s creations, the humble and venerable Dragon Quest! No punishment is too great!
Cascada: …I’m starting to rethink this…

Cascada: Hey, so, I just bought a game from you guys…
Shopkeep: No refunds.
Cascada: Take a look at the box, chief. We both know there’s some bullshit here.
Shopkeep: No refunds, my learned Nipponese friend.
Cascada: You’re starting to ask for it…
Kakyoin: Cascada, please! Let us handle this without resorting to physical violence, in an elegant manner befitting of a gamer.

Kakyoin: FROM WHOM DID YOU ACQUIRE THIS FOULSOME COUNTERFEIT!? WHOOOOM!?
Cascada: OKAY we’re going back outside now
Shopkeep: What’s your damn problem? I get all my merchandise from legitimate sources, like the secret shop in the alleyway.
Cascada: Woah oh? Secret shop??
Kakyoin: This wrong must be righted, Cascada!
Cascada: How about you take a deep breath first, then we find this so-called secret shop?

10 is all we need for the story event, and 10 is where I’ll try to keep it. It’s really hard to lower FP in 7SU.

At any rate, forgive me; I’m cutting the update here because A) it is too damn hot to keep going right now and B) Justice and Lovers cumulatively took about 4-5 updates worth of work. Yall can deal with more Karachi next week when we finally investigate this mansion and wrap up the last couple of events. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we explored about 80% of Karachi, got sold a bootleg Famicom cartridge, and learned about a secret shop. This time, we’re going to wrap all that shit up.

Cascada: For all we know, this is one of those bootlegs that’s secretly kinda cool.
Kakyoin: My smile is gone for good. The mere concept of counterfeit Dragon Quest III cartridges spreading throughout the world fills me with dread and anhedonia.
Cascada: Crushing my enemies usually cheers me up.
Kakyoin: I don’t usually go for the wisdom of the commonfolk, but I’m willing to try.

When I was a kid, I got a bootleg Game Boy Color cartridge labelled “Pokemon Jade” at a local Chinese supermarket. It had the forest spirit from Princess Mononoke on the cover. Turns out it was a completely different monster-collecting game with a shoddy translation called “Cellphone Monster Telefang”. Instead of keeping dudes in Poke Balls, you called monsters on your cellphone to fight for you.

Let’s test out Cascada’s new move. I always forget Quicksilver is meant to work by transforming minerals into energy rather than simply shooting beams.

It doesn’t always restore both HP and SP, but it’s a nice way to spend a turn rather than dropping a curative (as long as the situation isn’t too dire).

Cascada: That so-called secret shop is supposed to be around here.
Kakyoin: Soon they shall know the wrath of a gamer.

There’s a hidden alleyway here with a door at the far end.

Kakyoin: No! I am here for JUSTICE!
Secret Shopkeep: …You a cop?
Cascada: Fuck the police.
Secret Shopkeep: Right on, sister.
Kakyoin: The charlatan down the road claims you provided him with this putrid forgery of the honorable Dragon Quest III. What do you have to say for yourself!?
Secret Shopkeep: NO! DON’T BRING IT BACK!
Cascada: Wh-
Secret Shopkeep: That thing is cursed! I tried to get rid of it dozens of times, but it always returned to the console! I couldn’t play anything else except F-MEGA!
Cascada: Oh my god… not F-MEGA! That’s a fate worse than death!
Kakyoin: …and yet, it passed to that shopkeep’s hands, and now to Cascada’s! Explain yourself!
Secret Shopkeep: I asked a fortune-teller in Cairo. He said the curse could not be broken, only transferred to another… by selling it at full retail price. The mafia sold it to me, so I couldn’t do anything but find some other sucker…
Both: …
Cascada: Well, shit.
Kakyoin: Cascada… no… I…
Cascada: Eh, my PC-Engine is better anyway. What you got for sale?

Some of these damage items can be pretty useful, such as the Bearing/Rifle Ammo which gives Jotaro access to a decent Long-range attack. We’re also long overdue for an armor upgrade since I’m still using the brass knuckles from HK. But forget all that; this shop sells something very special.

I said Cascada only learns two more moves (well, one more now that we have Absorb Iron) by leveling up. I didn’t say anything about learning moves from books.

Cascada: I always wanted to learn some trick shooting, even before I had an arm cannon.

BZZZZZT

I fucked up. These books teach bullet skills; Quicksilver shoots beams. I guarantee none of you are as annoyed by this as I am.

There’s no point holding on to the manuals, so I load a save to get my money back.

Cascada: Well, that was a total waste of time and now I’m stuck with a cursed video game cartridge. Yippee.
Kakyoin: We can still seize the day, Cascada! Surely one of these quaint foreign shops has something worthwhile.
Cascada: (I almost miss crazed gamer Kakyoin…)

Cascada: You could certainly call it that…
Kakyoin: That’s right. Why don’t I get you something to remember this trip by? Something that just screams Karachi!
Cascada: Screams… Karachi?

Kakyoin: Just like y-
Cascada: Brass knuckles.
Kakyoin: …right. At least as an apology for the Dragon Quest debacle, then?
Cascada: Oh, fine.

The mirror does in fact get added to our inventory as a reusable item.

It hits all enemies with a decent chance to cause blindness. I will probably forget it exists immediately after this update.

Cascada: It’s been a few hours, I’m gonna go check on Mr. Joestar.
Kakyoin: Give him my regards. I must ensure the rest of these shops are up to standard.

Cascada: Mhm. You feeling any better? Good enough to finally get some grub, even?
Joseph: Yeah… but everyone in the lobby kept talking about some kind of mansion north of here…
Cascada: Aaand you think there might be an enemy Stand user?
Joseph: Let’s go!

Cascada: Nice place. Time to loot!

Joseph: HOLY SHIT!!
Cascada: Aaagghh!

The entire mansion is scattered with tiles that inflict around 20-30 damage. It’s possible to avoid most of them if you use a map, but I do not have that kind of patience.

Yes, this is the exact same Handkerchief that was in a chest in Cascada’s room, where you start the game.

This is a battle item that lets you absorb some HP from an enemy. It will probably go unused the entire game like most of our battle items.

Unlike many field/environmental damage traps in JRPGs, the invisible force can outright kill you if you aren’t paying attention.

Cascada’s Ripple Breathing and Joseph’s Deep Breathing see some use here just so that I don’t deplete all my good items. I do use up some of the lower-level ones to restore SP along the way.

Imagine seeing about a dozen more of these.

The center stairwell is a trap that takes you to a dead end. We need to use this side one instead.

Cascada: -huff, huff, huff- Okay, yeah… breathing… like this… is actually… pretty hard…
Joseph: -huff, huff- I’m really out of practice…

Joseph: Are you the one behind all those slashings!?
Cascada: Even if he wasn’t, I’d kick his ass out of principle at this point.

Cascada: Can we meet ONE Stand user who isn’t a massive creep?

Weirdly enough there are multiple musicians named Don Cherry and multiple songs/albums titled Dirty Work, so pick your favorites.

Don Cherry either heals himself or shoots guns, while Dirty Work deals solid damage along with annoying status effects like Fear and Bleed. Meanwhile, the Slash Energies are invisible enemies that spawn in and self-destruct, but you can still target and attack them if you want.

Not that it matters.

If you forgot, Devo was the guy who ambushed Polnareff in his hotel room in Update 12. Weird pull for this random guy.

Cascada: For all the people talking about this mansion, it was a bit of a letdown.
Joseph: Hmm… maybe there’s a different mansion?

With the slash energy gone, we can loot with impunity.

Cascada: …
Joseph: Uh…

Ah, the infamous bunny suit. If you wear it, your overworld sprite changes along with a surprisingly large amount of dialogue throughout the entire game.

Honestly, not a a terrible piece of equipment. Because it’s too embarrassing, you can only equip the bunny suit while your character is alone (really alone, not out in public); even then, there’s only a 10% chance it works. If you’re in NG+ and join the Drama Club, that goes up to 50%.

None that matters if you’re playing as the “Chubby” character type. There are no upsides, so many blatant downsides, and the game is just generally so mean-spirited about it that I don’t even know why the creator made it an option.

The other side has the Jockstrap, the equivalent for male player characters that has way less unique dialogue acknowledging it. It’s not in a chest here, but male characters also get “Japanese Clothing”, a whole jidai-geki samurai outfit that serves a similar purpose.

No other player type has to deal with this kind of shit! Why!!

Joseph: I’ve worked up a bit of an appetite myself. Let’s eat!

Again, I visited this place with Joseph last update to get food and nothing triggered. I was shocked and appalled when this popped up because I didn’t know it was even possible.

Haleem is a stewed porridge dish where various grains and meats are cooked together and then mixed into a paste.

Joseph: Mmm… Hearty, but mellow! This would pair well with almost anything!

Biryani is a mixed rice dish with about as many variants as there are people who cook it. According to my cursory research, Sindhi biryani (which includes potatoes and tomatoes) is one of the most popular kinds in Pakistan.

Joseph: Mm, the Basmati rice goes well with the spices. It’s got a lot of volume… Good, good!

With our sadly brief food tour at an end, it’s time to hit up the final, terrible hot spot in Karachi. There’s a shadowed alleyway on the eastern side of the map with a semi-hidden door.

Cascada: This is about the only other place within the two blocks that exist of the city of Karachi that could be called a mansion, I guess.
Joseph: There’s got to be something here! It’s my battle-forged intuition!

Quick stat check, for comparison later. We walk in, and…

Cascada: NO! NOOO!! AHHHHHH!!!
Joseph: OH MY GOD!

Welcome to Joey Hell. These are exactly the same dolls as the optional boss in Varanasi, which means they do not fuck around. Either you burst them down or they burst you down. It might as well be a coin flip.

Like so.

Nothing but the strongest attacks from now on. No holds barred against this fucker.

This mansion is three floors swarming with Joey Dolls who all spout canned lines from action movies. I’m going through my SP curatives faster than Laura Palmer went through that baggie of cocaine.

Glad I still had a few of these around, but 75 isn’t even two Venom Cannons and it takes at least three to wipe an encounter. I settle into a pattern where I just keep blasting and if there’s ever a time when there’s only one Joey remaining, I spam Absorb Iron until he’s dead.

Second floor.

The encounter in Karachi with the next highest experience yield is 400 EXP by fighting two Fireflies, so at least we’re being duly rewarded for our trouble.

I said “wait, fuck” out loud when I did this unthinkingly. There’s a secret switch on the top floor of Joey’s mansion that only appears if you haven’t opened the chests on the way up. My last save was before I even went inside. I have to kill my way through another dozen or so mini-bosses to get back to the second floor.

Cascada: I WILL KILL YOU AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES

This is a particularly sneaky one because he’s hiding behind the door sprite. If you’re still holding up when you open the door you’re almost certainly going to blunder straight into him.

We reach the third floor after a solid 15 minutes of doing nothing but battling Joey Dolls. Surely he won’t have some kind of fucked up puppet show happening just off camera!

Cascada: What the fuck? Is that my family?
Joseph: …this can’t be good…

They all have only one line of dialogue:

Congratulations on your wedding.

Wedding bells start clanging once you walk into this room.

Joseph: That’s me! And Jotaro! Kakyoin and Polnareff too!
Cascada: …

This is a cameo from JoJo’s resident evil priest character, Part 6’s Enrico Pucci. He’d probably officiate shit like this even without being a doll.

Alright, enough putting it off.

Cascada: I WILL RIP AND TEAR UNTIL IT IS DONE

Cascada: I! CAN’T! EVEN! WEAR! THAT! BUNNY! SUIT! YOU! SON! OF! A! BITCH!

Cascada: FORGET DIO I AM GOING TO KILL JOEY NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES

Joseph: Oh right, I’m sorry! An old man shouldn’t be looking at something like this!
Cascada: If you speak a single word of this…
Joseph: I won’t! I swear!
Cascada: …thanks. None of the others would ever let me live this down…

There’s a different event here for each party member that varies based on your gender, body type, and Stand. I can’t be assed to show off the rest because fighting so many dolls is super tedious and I deserve to at least retain the experience points.

Also, there’s no boss fight against Joey in the mansion. He’s not actually here.

Not opening any of the chests down below is supposed to mean there’s a secret switch under the briefcase. There isn’t. Turns out it’s NG+ only; I loaded that save earlier for no fucking reason.

7SU loves to dance on my grave.

The chests contain: two Bawdy Magazines (distracts an enemy), another Bunny Suit, a Massaging Machine (25%+10 SP, can be used 5 times), and Panties (distracts all enemies).

I hate Joey, which I suppose makes him an effective recurring villain. On the other hand, he’s really just fucking gross. I’ll admit I was kinda just like “yeah yeah perv villain whatever” until I had to start writing silly fake dialogue for Cascada. Attempting to inhabit that point of view even a little shifted me to “actually NendoTairiku probably should have toned this the fuck down”.

We loot the rest of the mansion. The curatives here are mostly variants of previous potions with the extra effect of being retainable into Hard Mode, which otherwise wipes most of your inventory… not that I’ve ever bothered with Hard Mode.

This is a nice get, though. It increases all stats by 1 and your HP/SP by 2. Best to hold on to it in case I need to save edit my item quantities for an emergency.

You can scroll up and compare. Cascada went from 31 to 34; Joseph went from 22 to 28. We should be good on grinding for a hot minute, and we’re flush with cash. Time to suit up.

Joseph: …do you want to get something to eat?
Cascada: You trying to start some shit, old timer?
Joseph: No! I just thought it’d be a good idea to take our minds off that place.
Cascada: …okay. Maybe a snack.

Kakyoin: I’ll have one myself, please.
Joseph: Three mangoes then!

A mango is a tropical fruit, and the national fruit of Pakistan; this would most likely be an “Indian type” mango rather than a “Southeast Asian type”. Mao Zedong once received a box of mangoes from the Pakistani Foreign Minister and gave them to workers at a university, causing the mango to be worshipped in Maoist China as a symbol of the proletariat for several years.

Joseph: Mm! So juicy! This is great!
Kakyoin: I’ve never had this cultivar before. It’s delicious!
Cascada: …Yeah, it’s not bad.

See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[barquq]

i’m mango-pilled fr

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we finished off Karachi by raiding two different mansions belonging to two different creeps. This time, we begin the journey to Saudi Arabia.

Offscreen, I raided Joey’s mansion with each other party member. Everyone’s at minimum Level 28 now.

Cascada: I never knew how much I’d miss killing things after a mere 48 hours.
Polnareff: I’m so glad that ship had a western-style toilet.
Kakyoin: Did you have to also SLEEP in the lavatory, though?
Polnareff: You don’t know what I’ve been holding in, Kakyoin…

Joseph: In Tokyo, they’d fetch 30 or 40 billion n the market easily. These kinds of houses must be pretty typical for people here… 20 years ago, this place was nothing but desert, but it’s exploded with the recent spike in oil prices. Now, it’s like something out of a dream!
Cascada: By the way… Do I really have to wear this cloak?

I have no idea how true either of these statements are, whether in the 80s or now. It’s a bit of an odd detail to include in the game, because by the time you regain control of the party it’s automatically unequipped anyway. All this means in a practical sense is that a few cutscenes will have a unique sprite for Cascada.

Joseph: If anyone asks, you’re my daughter!
Cascada: If Jojo calls me “auntie”, I’m gonna start blasting.
Kakyoin: On that note, I hope Jotaro’s extremely attractive mother is doing well…
Jotaro: Give me a @#S% break…
Cascada: (I guess it’ll be more trouble than it’s worth if I don’t put it on…)

Kakyoin: N-no, just enjoying the view… If anyone were tailing us, we’d know. Honestly, I’m just looking back out of habit…
Polnareff: Yeah, I know what you mean… We’ve been attacked by so many Stand users lately that I’ve been super on-edge!
Cascada: With you around, no bathroom is safe…
Polnareff: Don’t jinx me, Cascada!
Joseph: All right, I think I’ve worked out our route from now on.

Joseph: I can pilot it myself, of course! It’s a good plan, right?
All: NO IT ISN’T!
Joseph: Why not!? This should work out perfectly!

Joseph: …Hmph! Fine. In that case, we’ll use Plan B… We’ll use camels! It’ll take about a day.
Polnareff: Camels!? Hey, I’m fine with the plane! I’ve never ridden a camel before!
Joseph: Heh heh heh heh! Relax! I know all about riding camels! I’ll teach you how!

Cascada: Just because I’m the only one here who showers regularly doesn’t mean I’m carrying around air fresheners.
Polnareff: What about that rouge I gave you?
Cascada: …do you even understand what rouge is??

“Cascada, you have to wear a chador while in Saudi Arabia… okay, now let’s get on camels and cross the desert alone! You still have to wear it, though!”

Jokes aside, it might actually be preferable in this kind of situation just to stay cool.

Polnareff: Are you sure you’ve done this before?
Joseph: H-heh heh heh… I told you, let me handle this! I’ve seen Lawrence of Arabia 3 times! …Although I fell asleep halfway through 2 times out of the 3…
Polnareff: What, a movie!? So you really haven’t ridden one!

I’ve never seen Lawrence of Arabia myself. I suppose I’m uncultured or something. Or just not British.

Jotaro: Sounds fake.
Cascada: You’ve said a lot of dumb things, but this is the most bullshit of them all.
Joseph: I didn’t go to Venice and climb a massive oil-coated spire with my best friend to take lip from you, kid.

Joseph: Look! It sat down! You’ve gotta give it what it wants! Heh heh heh!

My understanding is they’re covered to retain as much moisture as possible when exhaling. Camels are the most hydrated of mammals.

Joseph: …S-so, make sure not to resist the rhythm like I just did, and you’ll be fine!
Kakyoin: Are you saying to treat the camel like a woman?
Polnareff: Oh, now I get it! Heh heh!
Jotaro: …Give me a @#S% break…

Insert comedy sting here as we fade out and back in.

Kakyoin: …I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re being watched…
Polnareff: Kakyoin, don’t be so jumpy! We’re sweeping our tracks with palm fronds, and we can see everything clearly within a couple of miles.
Jotaro: No… I’ve actually had the same feeling.
Joseph: Why don’t you take a look, Jotaro?
Jotaro: All right… I’ll use Star Platinum’s vision.

Joseph: Anything out of the ordinary…?
Jotaro: No… I didn’t see anything… And yet… something feels off.
Cascada: When was the last time you drank some water?
Jotaro: Dunno.
Polnareff: He’s just saving it for when he really needs it!

(Disclaimer: DO NOT DO THIS. If you’re dying of thirst in the middle of the desert you should just drink your damn water. It won’t help you if it’s not in your body.)

Joseph: Well, it is the hottest time of day.

I was in downtown Los Angeles for Anime Expo in 2018 and the temperatures were hitting something like 115-120 Fahrenheit. That’s “drinking water all day and you never piss once” weather right there. Funnily enough, I was in line for a JoJo panel at the time; not because I was there for JoJo, but because it was before the panel I actually wanted to see (the Studio Trigger panel where they premiered SSSS.Gridman.)

Jotaro: 8:10…!?
Cascada: Did Steely Dan mess up your TAG Heuer?
Kakyoin: That’s unthinkable! No Stand user could defeat precision Swiss engineering!
Joseph: I-I should’ve been paying attention! What’s going on!? It’s past 8, and yet…! Why isn’t the sun going down!?

Jotaro: It must be a Stand!!
Cascada: B-but it’s huge!
Polnareff: How is that possible!? We’re smack in the middle of the desert! If the sun keeps shining like this all day… I mean, all night… We’ll fry up like a bunch of eggs!
Joseph: It won’t take nearly that long! Even in a sauna, you can’t stay in more than 30 minutes or you’ll be in danger!

Okay, obviously high temperatures will fuck you up regardless, but the reason a sauna can get dangerous is that the high humidity prevents your sweat from evaporating. That means your body can’t regulate its temperature at all and you overheat much quicker.

Jotaro: …The quickest way is to beat up the user.
Joseph: The user has to be close… We’ve got to find him… I don’t know how they evaded our sight in this wide open desert, but there’s got to be a trick to it…
Polnareff: Wait, Mr. Joestar! What if it’s like the Lovers Stand we met in Pakistan!? He could be controlling it from far away!
Joseph: No, that’s not possible! Only weak Stands can be controlled at that kind of distance… And it’s clear to see that this “sun” consumes a lot of energy. The user must be close!

Later Parts of JoJo establish exceptions to this rule in the form of “Automatic” Stands. The idea behind those is that while they can maintain high power levels while far away from the user, they cannot be controlled directly and only carry out basic, pre-set tasks. At least one player Stand has some of these characteristics.

You can only help out Kakyoin here if you have a Long-range Stand. Quicksilver fits the bill, so time to start blasting.

Jotaro: …! Shit, something’s wrong! Kakyoin! Bring back your Hierophant! Hurry! It’s doing something!

We experienced the “Mummy” status effect against Black Eyed Peas in Update 15. It’s just a regular HP-draining effect, but it can’t be removed with the usual status curatives.

The Sun is actually pretty tough, because it does these moves automatically each turn on top of shooting you with Sun Lasers (yep, just like Cascada’s). So you’re taking damage over time on top of getting blinded or dizzied every turn, limited to your multi-target attacks.

It becomes a real slugfest, not helped by the low hit rate of Cardiac Massage (the universal revival skill). It sucks to spend three turns trying to get someone back up while eating hits to the face.

Actually I think I would rather hoard Phoenix Down than have this be the way to revive people. Ugh.

Sure, Master Roshi and Piccolo each blew up the moon, but Cascada just blew up the sun. Even Goku couldn’t blow up the sun! He blasted Cooler into it and everything and the sun was fine!

Editor’s Note: Noriaki Kakyoin’s contributions or lack thereof towards this feat would be discussed by future historians for decades.

Polnareff: Ahh, I see! He was reflecting the sand’s image, so we didn’t notice him tailing us.
Kakyoin: And look! The space behind the mirror is pretty comfortable. There’s even an air conditioner.
Cascada: Not to mention a cooler and a water tank… He must’ve had a pleasant time driving this thing.
Jotaro: Any beers in there?
Cascada: Nothing but plain seltzer. Bastard…

A neat detail here: the mirror is fully intact. If you fled from the battle and defeated The Sun via cutscene - where Jotaro figures out the trick and pitches a rock to take out the user - the mirror is accordingly broken.

Like so. I won’t show the whole alternate version like I did with Emperor and Hanged Man this time - that was a special occasion - but I do recommend watching the anime version of The Sun. It’s episode 18 of the Stardust Crusaders season and contains a particularly high concentration of Joseph screaming swear words in English.

Jotaro: The Sun was a pretty fierce opponent… Unfortunately, once we saw through his trick, he was just another idiot. Heh heh heh…
Kakyoin: All right, let’s continue on. The desert’s actually pretty cold at night…
Polnareff: No kidding… A-atchooooo!!
Cascada: Oh, if we have to…

What a lovely brisk update before a couple of bigguns; I’d better enjoy my lighter workload while I can. See you again!

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

[Iro]

<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>

Last time, we prevented heat stroke by blowing up the entire sun (false). This time, we might finally get some sleep in after nearly three weeks of nonstop travel.

Or not. Kakyoin wakes up transformed into a monstrous vermin inside a Ferris wheel, and there’s a persistent “baby crying” sound effect playing throughout the scene.

Kakyoin: What amusement park is this? I don’t recall ever being here before… W-why am I here? This isn’t right… We were supposed to be crossing the Saudi Arabian desert! Where are Mr. Joestar and the others? Am I alone?

Any time a balloon shows up in literally anything, I think about this screenshot from my favorite Gundam show, Reconguista in G:

Araki’s Dead Dog Count is off the charts. If a dog ever shows in JoJo there’s a like 90% chance it is going to get brutally murdered somehow.

We fade to white as Death 13 bears down upon Kakyoin…

Kakyoin: …So it was just a dream… Whew… That was really scary.
Polnareff: You had a bad dream? Ooh, tell me all about it! What happened?
Kakyoin: To tell you the truth, I can’t really remember… I forgot what happened… I just know that it was awful. It’s a good thing you woke me up.
Polnareff: Yeah, whatever! C’mon, we don’t have time to gab! They’re gonna leave without us! Get ready!
Kakyoin: Right… I’ll be right out…

I bet Polnareff is one of those guys who insists on being at the airport five hours before the flight, even if it’s domestic.

Jotaro: Kakyoin’s late… Wonder if he’s still sleeping off the injuries from the Sun.
Cascada: I’m getting tired of waiting. I’m gonna shop to kill some time.

There isn’t another real hub for a bit, so we get an opportunity to stock up as per usual.

Kakyoin: A dog… A dog’s corpse… Why does this feel so familiar?
Polnareff: Yuck… That’s awful! Let’s just leave it alone…

A skunk got roadkilled about two blocks away from my place the other day. You can tell because the smell lingers for about 48 hours in a ten block radius. (For those who have never encountered a skunk, imagine taking a bottle of toasted sesame oil and drinking the whole thing in one breath; that’s what it smells like.)

For you Centrigrade folks, this is edging right up against 39 degrees.

Joseph: T-then what about that plane over there?
Cascada: …it’s the PILOT that’s the problem…
Jotaro: Heh.
Joseph: I didn’t cut an ancient superbeing into pieces with a length of string over a giant pit of spikes to take lip from you kids.

A couple of player Stands can sidestep this encounter entirely either by healing the baby or fixing the broken plane. Cascada can do neither, unfortunately.

Joseph: Er… Well… That is…
Polnareff: -whispering- Yes!
Kakyoin: I would rather save the dying attractive older woman, certainly…

Joseph: What!?
Kakyoin: Ah!! The baby just smiled… It already has some teeth…?

Kakyoin: Oops… S-sorry… I didn’t even touch it…
Cascada: If it’s sick, you probably shouldn’t be touching it in the first place…

Joseph: Hey, hold on! You’re asking too much! It’s dangerous for a baby to come with us!
Polnareff: Actually, I think it’s a great idea! No-one will be able to attack us 60 miles above the ground at the speed we’re going. Not even Lovers could catch up to us this way.

I don’t know what else to say other than this must be a botched line translation; 60 miles up is outer space. My manga sources have the line as “No Stand can catch a Cessna flying hundreds of kilometers an hour!” and the anime skips this exchange in favor of a Gilligan cut to everyone crowded into the plane with the baby.

Cascada: I’ve never tried a drive-by with my Stand. I shoulda done that to that Wheel of Fortune guy…

Jotaro: If the mother’s fine with it, then so am I. I’d worry more about Grampa’s flying than an enemy Stand, though.
Polnareff: Then it’s settled!

I believe this cutscene was the final time you’ll get to see Cascada: Saudi Arabia Edition. I gotta wonder how much work it was to implement this odd detail that lasts for two, maybe three segments.

Sometimes a baby just has bad vibes.

I wish I could sleep on planes. I don’t have that superpower; best I can manage is entering a half-conscious fugue state.

Jotaro: Kakyoin? Are you asleep already?
Polnareff: Oh, yeah, he said he had a bad dream this morning, so I guess he didn’t get that much rest. Well, guess I’ll take a nap, too… -yaaaaaaaaawn-

Polnareff: …Whew… So it’s just a dream, huh? What a relief! This dead dog really had me freaked out. Dreams are only scary if you psych yourself out enough to think they are! You should relax, Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: But think about it, Polnareff… Why would two people be having the same dream?
Polnareff: …Huh, I guess that IS kinda weird! Well, dreams usually are. Wooooah! I made popcorn and soft serve ice cream appear in my hand! This is fantastic! It’s a dream! Lighten up a little! Hahahahahaha!
Kakyoin: Are you twelve!?

I feel like the scary thing about dreams is that you have no control over them, but I’m not a lucid dreamer. Lucid dreamers sound off, I guess.

Polnareff: …Who did it, then?
Kakyoin: The enemy Stand… Death 13!
Polnareff: A Stand? Whaaaat? You had a dream about an enemy Stand!? Hahaha! You’ve really gotta relax, Kakyoin!
Kakyoin: No, you’ve got it all wrong! This isn’t a dream about a Stand… It’s a Stand inside a dream!
Polnareff: Well, yeah, duh. This IS a dream.
Kakyoin: How do you not get it!?!? That’s not the point!!!

Time for a tangent about the “rally-ho!” thing! You might also recognize this phrase as the greeting dwarves use in the Final Fantasy series. It originates from the 1966 Hanna-Barbera superhero cartoon The Impossibles, which was a cult hit in Japan as “Super Three”. “Rally-ho!” was the group’s battle cry, and at this point the phrase itself has just sort of spread through the public consciousness.

As for why it’s being used here of all places, the original Dragon Quest used the phrase for its sleep spell (translated as “Snooze” in English). Referencing it for a sleep/dream based Stand isn’t much of a stretch, particularly with Shonen Jump’s deep ties to Dragon Quest. Here’s the cover of the Jan. 22, 1990 edition of Weekly Jump showcasing all of the currently running mangaka of the time in DQ cosplay:

Dragon Ball’s Akira Toriyama at the bottom of the third column and JoJo’s Hirohiko Araki is right above him.

Kakyoin: Come out! Hierophant Green! …? …!? Polnareff, bring out your Chariot! C’mon, Hierophant Green!
Polnareff: My… my Stand isn’t coming out!
Polnareff: This has never happened before!
Kakyoin: Hierophant isn’t appearing either! It must be because it’s a dream!

Both party members are inflicted with the “Dreaming” status here, which locks you out of your entire ability menu. All you can do is a basic attack or guard.

One neat detail is that every Stand has its own basic attack animation, whether that be Hermit Purple’s vines, Magician’s Red’s fireballs, or Quicksilver’s laser beams. In this battle, Kakyoin and Polnareff lose their Emerald Splash and sword-slash attack animations and just get a generic “hit” effect for swinging with their fists.

It ends quick, as any hopeless boss fight ought to.

At the last moment, Polnareff fades out of existence.

Joseph: Polnareff! Wake up, Polnareff! Hey, don’t go to sleep yet! You’ve gotta change the baby’s diapers first!
Polnareff: U-uggghhh…
Kakyoin: N-nnnn… Zzz… Zzz…

Jotaro: Hm?
Joseph: What’s wrong, Jotaro?
Jotaro: Thought I heard someone click their tongue…
Joseph: You’re probably just hearing things. Hey, Polnareff! Are you awake yet!? C’mon it’s an emergency!
Polnareff: All right, all right… Fine. Whew… I had a terrible nightmare… But… I can’t seem to remember what about.

Cascada: Here’s the diaper.
Polnareff: Uhhhhhhhhh… How do you do this again? I’ve never changed a diaper before… Where are the Pampers?
Joseph: Where do you think we are? There are no disposable diapers out here. You just use cloth and close it with a safety pin.
Polnareff: Shouldn’t you be doing this, Cascada?
Cascada: What? No way. You’re the one who said we should take the baby.
Polnareff: Hmm… Huh? Ack!! Euuughh… Ewww! H-hey, wait! There’s poop in the diaper! Look! Do you see!?
Joseph: Well, yeah, it’s a baby. Why else would it be wearing a diaper?
Polnareff: Seriously!? Yuck! What a filthy creature!

Polnareff: How about like this? Is this fine…?
Cascada: Polnareff, you’re doing it all wrong! You’ll hurt the baby that way.
Polnareff: T-this baby needs to learn that the world isn’t always fair! Sometimes you just can’t use the bathroom where you want!
Cascada: At least redo the safety pin, man. Come on.
Polnareff: Argh… YOU do it then!
Cascada: Good grief… Fine, hand it over. …You’re gonna make a terrible father.

Kakyoin: Aaauuuggghhh!! Stop! Stop it!
Jotaro: What’s wrong, Kakyoin!?
Joseph: What’s going on back there?
Kakyoin: Stooooopppp!!
Joseph: S-shit! He bumped the controls! We’re in a tailspin! It’s out of control!
Jotaro: H-hey… This plane… Is it… gonna crash?
Joseph: Uhh… UHHH…
Cascada: Y-you’ve gotta be kidding!

Aha! Our escapades with Joseph in Karachi have pushed him up over that 10 FP threshold. Now all we need to do is make sure Polnareff stays below 10.

Kakyoin: Y-your user is… That baby!? Unbelievable… He can’t be more than 6 months old…

Supposedly the eyes are one of the best parts of a fish; my father always took them for himself. It’s definitely true for the meat from the head, at least. Fish head curry is a Singapore classic.

Kakyoin: (I can’t believe it… A Stand that attacks you in your dreams… I have to let Jotaro and the others know somehow! But my memories are erased as soon as I wake up, and I can’t bring out my Stand here… What can I do…? …That’s it!)

Now, not to get prudish or all “urgh, kids these days” or anything, but maybe 11-month-olds shouldn’t be trying to brag about how big their dicks are. Who knows what else they’ll start saying! It might lead to a bit of a slippery slope, you know?

Meanwhile…

Polnareff: That was too close!
Joseph: Whew… Just in the nick of time!
Cascada: W-we just barely made it…

Cascada: Mr. Joestar! In front of you!!!
Jotaro: Hey!

Joseph: Wha… what’s a palm tree doing in a place like this!?
Jotaro: Gimme a break. I knew it was too good to be true…

A simple but effective tile technique to communicate nighttime. Honestly, like 30% of why I’m doing this Let’s Play is to try and absorb RPG Maker tricks via osmosis.

Kakyoin: …I don’t know… I really don’t… I feel like I had a horrible dream… And when I woke up, I felt like death… Am I going crazy…?
Joseph: Perk up, Kakyoin! You’re probably just strung out from everything that’s happened so far. It’s already been 17 days since we’ve left Japan.
Cascada: Being hounded by killer bugs and evil dolls on a daily basis is AT LEAST as bad as jet lag.
Polnareff: And there hasn’t been a decent bathroom since Hong Kong!
Jotaro: Hey, the baby’s fever went down.
Joseph: Oh, thank goodness! If something happened to this innocent baby under our care, I don’t know what I’d do…

Joseph: Look, it’s laughing! Isn’t that precious?
Polnareff: ? …Is that supposed to be funny?
Joseph: I’m not trying to be funny! Listen, when you cover up your face, the baby thinks you’re gone. Then, when you move your hands and go “peek-a-boo!”… It sees that you’re there again, and it’s happy!
Polnareff: I think you just look like an idiot.

This is called “object permanence”. Supposedly, infants don’t develop the cognitive ability to understand it until they’re between 1 and 2 years old, but that’s based on some pretty old research by Jean Piaget. A related concept is “conservation”, where children under a certain threshold can’t discern that - for example - a tall, thin glass of water can hold the same amount of liquid as a short, wide one.

Jotaro: Hey, Gramps… The radio’s still intact. Should we send out an S.O.S. signal? If we do, Dio’s allies will probably know we’re here.
Joseph: We’ve got no choice… We can’t afford to endanger this baby! Call the rescue team.

This is an all-timer “absurd JoJo moment” for me. Of course it makes perfect sense in context, but it’s such a comical image. The idea that Kakyoin somehow recognizes his own (English!) handwriting in the form of carving a message into his own arm with a pocket knife is just the cherry on top.

Kakyoin: This looks like a knife wound… But there’s no blood on my knife! Did I forget something important…!?
Baby: (Shit… He’s smarter than I gave him credit for… I thought he was trying to just wake himself up when he cut himself, but I was wrong…)
Kakyoin: !? What? The baby averted its eyes… It was avoiding my gaze on purpose! “Baby”… “Stand”… I get it! The baby is the Stand user! Agh… Am I really going crazy!? I’m actually starting to suspect this baby!
Baby: Waaaaaaaahhh!!
Joseph: Hey, Kakyoin! What are you doing!?
Kakyoin: Ah!! N-no, I wasn’t…

This reminds me of a classic Giant Bomb segment. I’ll remember “NO NO NO! PLEASE DON’T SHAKE THE BABY!” for probably the rest of my life.

Joseph: Anyhow… Let’s hurry up and get dinner ready so we can sleep. We need the rest.
Baby: (Heh heh heh…!)

Cascada: I’m asking myself that about all of you every single day.
Jotaro: He hasn’t had a cherry in a while… it might be withdrawal.
Baby: Goo goo… (Gweh-heh! I thought I was in trouble there… But Kakyoin’s starting to doubt himself! And we’re smack in the middle of the desert… I’ll just kick back for a while until I can kill them. If there’s no one to wake them, then there’s no hope of escaping the world of my Death 13! After that, I’ll wait for my allies to pick me up…)

I suppose you would call this some kind of banana bread pudding? This also brings up the question of why a propeller plane flying through the desert had so many perishables onboard (or how they survived the crash, for that matter), but JoJo is not a series to be logically examined to such a needless extent.

Polnareff: Amazing! This is delicious! Gimme more!
Joseph: Then there won’t be any left for the baby!
Baby: (What’s this asshole doing!? Is he trying to eat all of my food!? C’mon, I’m hungry! Feed me already!)

I don’t think I - a grown man - could do this; arachnophobia aside, my aim simply wouldn’t be good enough. I guess the smaller you are, the higher your innate DEX bonus is, though.

Kakyoin: It killed a scorpion… I knew it! T-this baby is…
Baby: (N-now I’ve done iiitttt!!)
Kakyoin: Mr. Joestar! Polnareff! This isn’t your average baby! I just saw it kill a scorpion! It stabbed it with the safety pin in the blink of an eye!

Joseph: A scorpion…! …Where?
Kakyoin: It’s inside of the crib!! Its body should be in there somewhere! …! It’s… It’s gone…
Both: …
Kakyoin: It’s… it’s true!! Please believe me!! It must have hidden it somewhere… Search its clothes!
Joseph: That’s enough, Kakyoin! Just stop. You clearly need rest. We can talk tomorrow morning once you’ve calmed down. Go get some sleep.

Yeah my jars of scorpions always say “Warning! Do Not Feed To Infants Under 1 Year of Age” on them. Gotta be careful.

No notes. Is it bad that I find this hilarious?

Cascada: Ka… Kakyoin…
Polnareff: You’ve really gone off the deep end…
Joseph: OH MY GOD!
Jotaro: Kakyoin… Did you… do that to yourself?
Kakyoin: Yes, obviously! It’s in my handwriting! It’s incontrovertible proof that this baby has a Stand!
Polnareff: (g-gulp…)
Cascada: H-he can’t tell the difference between dreams and reality anymore… To make his story seem coherent, he must have subconsciously…
Joseph: Again, I reiterate:
Joseph: OH! MY! GOD!

This is the main reason I bothered to get Kakyoin’s FP up. You can’t choose to believe him unless he’s got at least 7.

Cascada: …I believe Kakyoin.
Polnareff: H-hey, Cascada!! Do you realize what you’re saying!?
Cascada: Of course… There’s a chance that Kakyoin’s misinterpreting the situation. But even though the chances are slim, this baby could definitely be a Stand user… And if it really has the power to kill in dreams, we could be in a lot of danger.
Kakyoin: Cascada…!
Cascada: Frankly, sometimes a baby just has bad vibes.
Polnareff: C’mon, it’s just a baby! Are you nuts!?

This isn’t even the only Stand-using baby in the series. I can think of at least two others, though you could argue that one of those isn’t a user but a Stand itself.

Jotaro: …That’s a good point.
Kakyoin: This baby is nowhere near as attractive as Miss Holly, but yes! Let’s go with that!
Cascada: You really should think about the words that come out of your mouth sometimes.
Joseph: But even so, do you intend to incapacitate an infant child!?
Kakyoin: That won’t be necessary. If its Stand can only attack us while we’re asleep, then the solution is quite simple. All we have to do is make sure at least one of us is awake at all times. If it attacks someone, we’ll know from the wounds.

The good ol’ DnD rotating watch, nothing beats that! Especially not the DM rolling on the encounter table once per person on watch. Definitely cool and not tedious as hell to fight a bunch of zombies in the jungle while you’re trying to take a long rest.

Joseph: H-hmm… I suppose that’s not unreasonable…
Jotaro: …Seems like taking turns sleeping is the best plan even if Kakyoin’s story is a load of bull. We did send out a radio signal… That’ll tip off our location to the enemy, and they could easily arrive before the rescue team. We can defend against any potential attackers while allaying Kakyoin’s suspicions. It’s a win-win situation.
Cascada: I think those are the most words I’ve ever heard you speak in a single go.
Jotaro: …my throat’s getting sore…
Joseph: …All right. You’ve sold me. We’ll have someone stand guard.
Baby: (Wh… whaaaat!? Urgh… This isn’t how this was supposed to go!!)
Joseph: …All right then. I’m going to sleep. Once the plane’s fixed, I’ll need to be alert to fly it.
Polnareff: I didn’t get a wink of sleep, so I’m tired. I’m sleeping too!

Believing Kakyoin gives you an additional 3 FP. It seems like by the end of this run, Polnareff is the only one who won’t be using our nickname.

Jotaro: Don’t overdo it, Kakyoin.
Kakyoin: Well, despite everything, I did get an afternoon nap in, so I’ll be fine. …Anyhow, The Machine…
Cascada: Hm? What’s up?

You can only choose to believe Kakyoin if he has 7 FP, but you only get this bit with the charm if you already had 10 FP with him when you choose to believe him. With the +3, I think he might actually be ahead of Joseph now.

Baby: (This just isn’t my day… Kakyoin’s keeping a close eye out… I’ll have to stop their hearts and kill them without him noticing… Then I’ll leave Kakyoin to my allies!)

Actually, this brings up a question. Does The Baby ^{_{(Bottle Ship, Mother’s Cry… The Baby)}} - actual name, Mannish Boy - have to also be asleep to use its Stand? The manga doesn’t really answer either way, but I’d probably lean towards no.

Polnareff: Do you get it!? Kakyoin was telling the truth!! “Baby Stand”! We fell for the enemy’s trick! It may be hard to believe, but that baby is the Stand user! When we wake up, we won’t remember any of this… That’s what’s really terrifying!
Cascada: Then what happened on the plane was also…!
Jotaro: I can’t believe he wasn’t spouting bullshit for once…

If you’re the kind of person reading this, I imagine you already know, but “off-model” is a term used in animation referring to art that doesn’t match the established style of a work. Animation is a huge undertaking and involves many different people drawing the same things, so there are often “model sheets” showcasing characters from multiple angles to help keep things consistent.

There are a bunch of unique sprites for this one-off event, and there’s accordingly one for every single player type. Cascada with the >< eyes is particularly good, I think.

Polnareff: W-we can’t move… There’s no way for us to alert Kakyoin!! We were too naive… Anything can happen in this world! There are no rules here… He can do whatever he likes with us!! No… There is one rule… His only rule is that we all be dead by the time this is over!

Death 13: Rally-ho!
Jotaro: Rraaauuugh!! Star Platinum!!

I’m sure the specific form of this gag originates from somewhere, but I’d like to think “making wacky faces as a joke” is a universal human trait.

Death 13: Stands are made of your spirit energy! But when you’re dreaming, your spirit is off guard! Death 13 has locked your spirits in that defenseless state, so your Stands won’t be able to manifest!

Cascada: Good thing I have my burlap sack of two dozen bazookas that I looted from Joey’s mansion!
Baby: Wait, no, uh… UHHH…

How’s Cascada going to blast her way out of this one, folks?

Joseph: I thought the plan was that you wake us up?
Kakyoin: It’s MY turn to save the day! I haven’t gotten a chance since the Hanged Man!
Polnareff: Bullshit! You got Lovers and you helped with The Sun!
Kakyoin: Just let me have this! I’m still furious about that Dragon Quest cartridge!
Jotaro: What about Dio’s other minions?

Baby: Rrrgh… L-let me go!!
Kakyoin: Quit struggling. You can’t hit me with your scythe in this position. Even if you’re just a baby… I’ll still break your neck if you don’t stop resisting…!
Joseph: Kakyoin!
Cascada: It’s okay, he can probably do it even with his spindly arms!

Cascada: Hey!
Polnareff: I STILL don’t understand why you make us fight those will-o-wisps for two hours every time we stop in town. You being crazy is the only explanation!
Kakyoin: Don’t mention it, Polnareff. It wasn’t for naught.
Baby: (H-he’s not twisting my neck off because I’m a baby… What a fool! Kakyoin… Your naivete will be the death of you! you’re still in my nightmare world!)

Baby: Haven’t you realized!? My Stand has no body! It’s just a head, arms, and a scythe! Man, you guys are dumb! Hee hee hee hee hee!!

Baby: !?
Kakyoin: Look closer… My Stand wasn’t just clinging to its back for the hell of it.
Baby: H-he wasn’t cut apart at all! He’s turning into a ribbon and entering my ear! Aaaaaaauuughhh!! It’s going iiinnnnn!!
Kakyoin: I’ve been practicing my ear-entering technique ever since Karachi!

Kakyoin: You’re not a good listener, are you? My Hierophant can stretch indefinitely… That’s why I was saying you couldn’t hit me with your scythe! Now… If you have any attachment to your guts, then heal this wound on my arm. …You said you could do ANYTHING in the dream world, right? This can’t be that hard.
Baby: …No thanks! Rally-ho!
Kakyoin: ! What did you say!?
Baby: That wasn’t me you entered at all, dumbass!

Baby: Rally-ho!! Time for the final round! Come and get it, Kakyoin!!
Cascada: Sorry to keep you waiting… Maybe I can be of assistance.
Baby: !! …W-what now!?
Cascada: The charm Kakyoin gave me earlier really was magic. Look at the incantation. “Bring your Stand out before you sleep and keep it hidden…” That’s what it says!
Baby: Y-you’ve gotta be kidding me!!
Kakyoin: Time to pay your dues, Death 13!

Now, you might ask how this works when Quicksilver is a big ol’ arm cannon, but allow me to direct you back to Update 3:

Quicksilver is clearly visible as a separate sprite here, so Cascada was probably hiding it under her clothes or something in the nightmare. Not that it makes any difference in the event; I’m pretty sure it goes the same no matter how obvious your Stand might be normally.

I really like the “it can be detached if necessary” bit, even though it never comes up in earnest. I could totally imagine a situation where Cascada secretly sets it up at a different angle and fires a remote blast.

If you believe Kakyoin’s story, he fights Death 13 solo. If you get the Charm, then it’s this 2v2 situation. If you elect not to believe him, things just go according to the manga where Kakyoin wins anyway… but the game actually gives you the option to skip the whole event, which is a privilege normally reserved for NG+.

We’re pretty overleveled after I took everyone through Joey’s mansion. The fight isn’t much to write home about, but we do want to make sure we kill Fake Star Platinum for its item drop.

Death 13 is highly susceptible to Kakyoin’s status-inducing moves, so it’d probably be an easy win even if I didn’t grind in Karachi.

That Starplatodine from Fake Star Platinum is a Speed-boosting permanent stat buff item. We’ve actually accumulated quite a few boosters; I should probably just use them instead of grinding all the time.

Joseph: Me too… A really awful one. I just can’t remember…
Polnareff: Ah! Kakyoin! A-are you feeling okay?
Kakyoin: What do you mean?

Kakyoin: What? Are you still feeling drowsy? Get your head in the game, Polnareff! Anyhow, it’s time to change the baby…
Cascada: -whispering- I’m surprised you aren’t rubbing it in that you were right.
Kakyoin: -whispering- It’s much more fun to gaslight him.
Cascada: -whispering- …I can’t believe I let you talk me into doing this TWICE…

Baby: …Urk…
Kakyoin: Seems like only The Machine and I remember. I suppose it’s because we brought our Stands into the dream… Well, what can you do? You’re a baby, so it’s not like I can maim you. We’ll just take you to the next town over. Your mother ought to be around somewhere…

So, I mean… this baby is already working as an assassin for Dio. Does that mean his mother is also in on it? She’d have to be, right?

Joseph: That’s great!! He didn’t eat anything last night, so he must be starving!
Baby: (No! Stop! Not that!)
Joseph: Are you gonna eat this time?
Baby: Mrgh… U… ugh! Mmmmghhh!!
Joseph: It’s tasty! Say aaah!
Baby: Mmmmmhhh!! Mmf! Mmf mmf!!
Joseph: My, my… Refusing to eat again? What’s gotten into you? If you’re this fussy as a child, imagine how you’re going to be as an adult! You have to eat!

Baby: Wah!
Polnareff: His mouth’s open!
Joseph: Here we go! See? I told you it was tasty!

My friend likes to bring up a thought experiment sometimes that she calls the “shit milkshake”. We all like a good milkshake, but whether by the cook’s intent or by the random chance of the universe, there is some amount of shit in your milkshake. The question is: how much shit are you willing to have in your milkshake before you no longer wish to consume it?

Or in more practical terms, how much proverbial shit are you willing to put up with in your media before you no longer want to engage with it? The threshold is, naturally, different for everyone; there are different kinds of shit, and some people pay good money for kopi luwak.

This one was not quite as long as the Justice update, but edging right up against it. I usually dismiss them as genre haters, but I’m starting to sympathize with the “too many cutscenes!” people… just a bit.

See you again!

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