I donāt have quite the brains for a more in-depth post, but the bulk of it for me was trying to
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Thanks Touya, for your very important input. The main thing Iāve been trying is to get into a hobby that involves regular social gatherings, and then attend those gatherings as regularly as you can manage. One is a taekwando class that happens every Tues/Thurs, which I go to after work. The other is a once-a-month SFF book club at my local library.
Iāve had diff results based on the nature of the group/club. Iām not necessarily Familiar with all the people in my martial arts class (especially because many of them are kids and teens), but they are a relatively chill group of people who I enjoy spending time with while working on a shared interest. Itās taken me a year to start like, having conversations with people in class, but itās nice, and having a familiar group of people who recognize me is a good basis to start talking to them more. Meanwhile, the book club doesnāt meet as often, but the whole point of the gathering is to come together and talk about a shared interest, which means Iāve been able to talk with them more and get my social fill that way. The few direct social connections weāve made with the members who were our age havenāt exactly all panned out, only because not everyone shows up at the same time, but we at least know we enjoy spending time together, and the next time weāre at a meeting at the same time, I can try to make an overture to hang out.
Hobby spaces are good because even if you donāt hit it off with people at first, you are still getting out of the house and getting to do a thing you like. That first year where I talked to no one was still fun because the group was chill and I liked doing the martial art, so even not talking meant I got to have a good time and wanted to go back. Plus the hobby gives you common ground and a thing to talk about.
The tip Iāve always heard about friendship is that it takes regular, recurring social encounters to form. The actual ātalking to complete strangersā part is fucking tough, but a combination of engineering the social conditions to help foster it, and remembering that 1) fucking up small talk is not the end of the world, and 2) that most people even if theyāre disinterested arenāt gonna want to be rude - people generally want social interactions to go well, and will try to help them go well.
This ended up being way longer than I thought, but I hope itās helpful. I did coincidentally just have a literal powerpoint on āhow to small talkā cross my dashboard this morning, so. If thatās also of interest I can pass that on as well.