<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>
Last time, Joseph dealt with a tumor on his arm by throttling it with psychic vines. Now, the party is driving to Pakistan in what the game really wants you to know is a Toyota Land Cruiser.
Jotaro: Bet I could build a log cabin with Star Platinum.
Kakyoin: With tools, or without?
Jotaro: Don’t need 'em. Stand only.
Cascada: Hardly a bet, even Polnareff could do that.
Kakyoin: Hey, Polnareff! Your driving’s way too aggressive!
Polnareff: Heh heh heh! What do you think we’ve got a four-wheel drive for?
Joseph: Polnareff! You kicked up a bunch of rocks at the other driver! Don’t get us in an accident, please!
Cascada: How many bystanders have Dio’s assassins killed at this point?
Kakyoin: Perhaps four or five.
Joseph: You forgot the entire crew of the charter ship.
Jotaro: What about that Nena chick?
Joseph: Well, that depends on how long Empress was controlling her body.
Cascada: Does that mean Hol Horse was banging Empress and didn’t know it?
Polnareff: I hope that hayseed was getting catfished as hard as I was.
Kakyoin: Don’t forget the Hotel Clarks. They exuded quite the colonial charm.
Both: …
Cascada: Polnareff…
Kakyoin: …Right…
Cascada: Ow-ow-ow-ow…
Kakyoin: What happened, Polnareff!? W-why’d you stop the car!?
Joseph: Urgh… Didn’t I just tell you not to get us in an accident!?
Polnareff: N-no… Look! Over there! I can’t believe it!
The little scamp is back.
Kakyoin: Hey! I thought we left you in Singapore! Weren’t you supposed to meet your father there?
Joseph: Hey! Wait! Who said you could climb in!? How did you even get to India!?
I was resisting having to crop and upload a new portrait for this bit character but there is just too much dialogue with nothing interesting happening visually in this update. Fie on me.
Anne: Hey! Wanna see some dirty pictures? I stole 'em in India! You like this stuff, right?
Polnareff: H-hey! That’s not something a kid should be carrying around!
Cascada: Aren’t those the same ones you got at that book stall in Calcutta?
Polnareff: Exactly! I’ve already got copies, I don’t need to see yours!
Joseph: Polnareff! I can’t believe you!
Joseph: No! No! No! No!
Kakyoin: Still, I can’t believe she made it this far on her own… She’s quite independent.
Cascada: Yeah, but hitchhiking from Singapore to here in that time has gotta be some kind of world record…
She was on the same train to Calcutta as the rest of the crew, they just didn’t know it, so she “only” hitchhiked from Calcutta to the Pakistani border. Getting here first isn’t that out of the question considering how much time we’ve spent fighting cowboys and model tanks and such. The actual question is how she knew we’d end up specifically on this road.
Anne: You guys are mean! Take me with you!
Joseph: No!
Anne: Please take me! Please take me! Please take meeeee! Please! Please! Please!
Joseph: No! No! No no no no no!
Jotaro: Shut the fuck up, all of you! You’re annoying!
Polnareff: …?
Jotaro: …Isn’t that the car we passed before? Looks like they’re in a hurry.
Polnareff: Sure didn’t stop 'em from puttering along before! Why are they tailgating now? What are they thinking?
I’m getting war flashbacks to driving on the I-5. The segment between Los Angeles and San Francisco is 350 miles of flat desert with only two lanes each direction. You end up going 95 miles per hour without even noticing and so you slide straight off the road when you try and change lanes because some asshole in an Audi is tailgating you like they’re trying to get a speed boost in Mario Kart.
Kakyoin: They might be mad that you cut them off earlier.
Jotaro: …Did you get a look at the driver?
Polnareff: Nah… The window was too dirty.
Jotaro: Think they might be a Stand user?
Anne: You guys have said that like a hundred times! What’s a Stand user?
Cascada: If you have to ask, you don’t wanna know.
Jotaro: …They opened their window.
Joseph: It’s your fault for egging him on!
The Toyota Land Cruiser is descended from military jeeps, so it’s got a reputation for being a rough-and-tumble offroad type of car. It’s also apparently quite popular in Africa and the Middle East.
Polnareff changes lanes to pass, but…
Polnareff: He’s not messing around! If not for Star Platinum, we’d all have been crushed! Not even my Chariot and Kakyoin’s Hierophant combined would have been able to stop a truck at that speed!
Cascada: If you hadn’t shoved me into the back seat, I coulda blasted it.
Kakyoin: But we can’t harm bystanders!
Cascada: Do you SEE what Jotaro did to that thing?
Joseph: Where’s the car!?
Jotaro: Looks like they went ahead.
I ask this any time I have a bad social interaction.
Kakyoin: But I didn’t see anything resembling a Stand attack at the time…
Joseph: Hmm…
Polnareff: What does or doesn’t look like a Stand attack at this point? We’ve seen so many different types.
Cascada: The first person battle screen didn’t show up, so…
Joseph: …Let’s just try to cross that border… If that car shows up again, we’ll find out for sure whether it’s an enemy or just a weirdo.
Cascada: Guess there’s not much else we can do…
Kakyoin: What about that truck? It looks like Star Platinum really did a number on it…
Cascada hasn’t been a Hero of Justice in a while. Nice to see her drag an unconscious person out of their burning truck (that we caused) and leave the fire going. A+ heroism.
I pick up a few solid curatives here and I unload a few items I will never ever touch, like the rouge Polnareff bought us in Singapore.
A minor quirk of this setpiece is that you only get one Steel action here. If you remember, you have to call him to do all sorts of things like changing your equipment, adjusting your tactical stance, checking your FP, switching your catchphrase, et cetera. Or, in our case, asking for advice on the area.
Steel: Here, we stop at Delhi, pass through Pakistan, and finally, it’s goodbye to India. But it’s far too optimistic to assume that our journey will go smoothly…
Cascada: Yeah, I heard Carmen Sandiego’s ransacking the place…
Cameo alert on the bottom left: Akira Otoishi, a major villain from Part 4.
Joseph: Well, we haven’t really gotten a chance to rest since we left Varanasi. Hey, waiter, what’s that?
This is a popular beverage all around tropical Asia. My father told me that when he was a child in Singapore in the 40s, kids would just cut pieces of sugarcane off the side of the road and chew/suck on the ends.
Joseph: Sure, why not? …! What!?
Kakyoin: I didn’t think it’d be THAT good…
Everyone present at the cafe proceeds to side-eye each other. Our suspects are Bald Man, Man With Unusual Haircut, and Short-Haired Man. Killerman is nowhere to be seen.
Kakyoin: What should we do, Mr. Joestar? I don’t think we’re gonna get a confession out of any of them…
Polnareff: They’re playing dumb!
Cascada: If we wait until the sun sets, we’ll be in even more danger.
Joseph: Well, there’s no way to tell which one of them is the driver… And yet I don’t think we’ll be able to cross the border in peace with him around… It seems like there’s only one thing to do… Jotaro?
Jotaro: Yeah. As much as we don’t want to involve innocent people, there’s no other way.
Okay, look, Cascada might be a Hero of Justice, but come on. We’ve built up enough good karma that we can take the fun option sometimes.
Polnareff: H-hey… Did we just get suckered!?
Cascada: …Looks like it.
Joseph: Did anyone see what he looks like!?
Kakyoin: Unfortunately, all I saw were his arms… What do you think he wants with us!? He’s not directly engaging us, so it’s still possible he’s just a normal guy with some anger issues…
Polnareff: He might not be our enemy, but he’s seriously pissing me off! He still owes us for that truck incident!
The game doesn’t show it, but the manga has a couple panels here of our mystery driver messing with the road signs to pull our heroes down the wrong road.
Polnareff: Who cares!? We’ve almost caught up with him! I’ll get him at this next turn!
Polnareff: Did he go around another corner!? A car couldn’t possibly cross that suspension bridge…
Jotaro: Maybe he fell off the edge.
Kakyoin: W-we’re going to be pushed off the edge! Polnareff! Put the car in backup gear and slam the gas!
Polnareff: I’m trying! But… I-I can’t push him back! That thing’s a fucking tank! God damn it! The four-wheel drive isn’t doing a thing! Jotaro, use Star Platinum to smash that idiot’s car to pieces!
Jotaro: I can’t… There’ll be too much recoil. We’ll end up just like that truck from earlier.
This is most certainly not the kind of series where one should think about such things, but I guess this means Stands are still beholden to Newton’s laws? Whether they’re physical or incorporeal tends to just be a matter of narrative convenience. I hate that my brain thinks like this, sometimes.
lol, lmao
Joseph: Kakyoin! It’s useless! Don’t! Your Hierophant may be able to stretch indefinitely, but it can’t support the car’s weight! You’ll be torn apart!
Kakyoin: Thanks for your concern, Mr. Joestar… But I’m not an idiot. I know what I’m doing.
This is meant to be a winch with a hook. A car’s jumper cables would never be that strong.
Kakyoin: Yes… I do like sumo. But Jotaro… In sumo, it’s illegal to punch your opponent.
Jotaro: (grin)
I mean, okay, you can’t closed-fist punch, but in the right circumstances an open-palm slap can be as bad or worse. Especially by a rikishi; remember, about the only people strong enough to lift and throw sumo wrestlers are other sumo wrestlers.
Joseph: Still, there wasn’t anything resembling a Stand attack… We’ll just have to assume he was some lunatic.
Joseph: I guess this way I don’t have to rethink my incredibly racist statements! Haha!
Cascada: -frown-
Polnareff: Either way, no one could survive a fall at this height… He got his just desserts.
Anne: …Still, how did he get behind us despite there only being a single road? It’s almost like he warped… Don’t you think that’s strange…?
Cascada: Eh.
Kakyoin: Not particularly.
Jotaro: Nope.
Joseph: After all we’ve seen so far, I suppose not.
When I was a kid, my family would watch Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune every single day. I can only read the words in that cadence.
Joseph: What!? He knows my name! That settles it! He’s definitely an enemy!
Cascada: -whispering- Isn’t your grandpa an internationally known real estate mogul…?
Jotaro: Dunno.
Kakyoin: He’s sending out a radio signal from somewhere… It couldn’t possibly be from the car from earlier, could it?
Polnareff: Of course not! It couldn’t still be in one piece after that!
Joseph: W-what…?
Polnareff: A Stand that manifests physically… A super-powered car!?
Cascada: B-but no one could shrug off a fall like that, Stand or no…
Anne: I figured it out! A “Stand” is some kind of special engine or something, right? Like in Back to the Future!
Joseph: Er… sure, kid…
Kakyoin: ! …What? …What’s that rumbling sound?
Polnareff: I don’t have a good feeling about this…
Joseph: Get in the car, everyone!
Jotaro: No! Get away from the car!
Polnareff: ! …No way!
Cascada: This earthquake…
There’s a pun somewhere in here but frankly I’m writing this update at 8:30am on a Saturday and I can’t pluck every low-hanging fruit.
Polnareff: Jotaro was right! It’s a Stand! It all makes sense!
Kakyoin: The user must be inside of the car!
Joseph: It plans to kill us all off one by one… It planned to take all of us out at once with that truck, then he tried to push us off the cliff… Now he’s going to run us all down!
Kakyoin: L-look! He crushed the car completely! And now he’s…!
I finally noticed what was weirding me out about this background in particular, ever since that first fight with Polnareff in HK. It’s a stock RPG Maker “desert” battle background, while most others are panel rips from the manga.
Jotaro: -hurk- W… what!? What did it just shoot at me…? I couldn’t see its attack!
Joseph: Jotaro!
Joseph: (in the cadence of “Sora, Donald, Goofy”) Jotaro! Polnareff! Kakyoin!
Anne: Eeeeeeek!!
Polnareff: Ngh… Shit! What did it just do!?
Kakyoin: It shot something at us… But I couldn’t see what… Something pierced the skin, but there isn’t anything like needles or glass inside of the wound!
Polnareff: Shoot! These wounds aren’t deep, but they hurt like hell! Is it the same kind of attack as your Emerald Splash!?
Kakyoin: I don’t think so. It doesn’t seem to be storing energy, and we can’t see the discharge!
Joseph: Are you okay, Jotaro!?
A good portion of the fanbase probably agrees.
Jotaro: Up here. Let’s climb up to the top.
Anne: Yay! I love you, Jotaro! <3
Polnareff: What CAN’T this thing do!?
Jotaro: Gimme a break… Looks like we’ve gotta fight it after all. Get down, everyone. When he reaches the top, he’ll expose the underside of the car… Then we’ll see who’s stronger.
Stupid question, if you ask me. If for some reason you do elect to use Jotaro only, the boss is weakened accordingly.
Joseph: You may be right… Why don’t we all gang up on him once he finishes climbing?
Jotaro: …All right. We’ll get him the second he reaches the top!
Kakyoin: Still, we’ll need someone to protect this girl while we’re busy fighting him…
Cascada: Sounds like you’re volunteering, mister “gentleman”.
Kakyoin: …walked right into that one…
A rare full party battle, minus whoever you picked to sit out. Wheel of Fortune is pretty durable and hits hard, but I’ve been keeping everyone’s levels up. Things don’t get too hairy here.
Like sure, this would be scary as hell with only two units, but with four we can still keep up our damage while someone’s on curative duty.
If six turns pass, Wheel of Fortune uses his special attack from the manga where he reveals the mysterious droplets from before were made of gasoline. The entire party gets inflicted with irremovable OnFire status for the rest of the battle; a handful of the player Stands will either automatically mitigate this or even turn it against him for an easy win.
If six turns pass. He doesn’t get that far.
Kakyoin: What an oddball. Thought he’d be less scrawny. Guess those arms that were sticking out the window were the only part of him with any muscle. All bark, no bite…
The guy tries to scurry off, but Polnareff grabs him.
JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: The 7th Stand User is filmed in front of a live studio audience…
Joseph: He’s certainly no threat to us anymore… But I’ll take his passport just in case he tries to leave India.
Polnareff: And since he totaled our Land Cruiser, we’ll just have to use his car to cross the border…
I have it on good authority that this is exactly how the next Like A Dragon / Yakuza game is going to start. Ichiban Kasuga just can’t catch a break.
Anne: Huhhh!? Why, Jotaro!? Nuh-uh! No way! I wanna go with yoooou!
Polnareff: Shut up! All you do is get in the way! You should be thankful we’re buying you a ticket, you precocious little brat!
Cascada: I’m surprised she still wants to stick with us after that little incident…
In interviews, Hirohiko Araki said he wanted to include a girl with the group, but claimed Shonen Jump readers of the 80s would have rejected the idea because of the amount of violence inflicted on the cast. In another universe, Merlai Anne here might have been the 7th Stand User.
We fade out on one final laugh track…
Enya: You were so noble to sacrifice yourself for Lord Dio… J. Geeiiillllll!! How could such a chivalrous man die at the hands of such cowards!? -sob, sob, sob- Now, without my darling… I only have Lord Dio left to live for! But all the Stand users I entrusted with the task failed miserably at the hands of those pests… What an embarrassment… How can I face Lord Dio?
See you again!