<= Previous | Top | =To Be Continued=>
Last time, the crew beat an old woman unconscious and decided to drag her limp body across Pakistan. Let’s see how that’s working out for them.
Since the Foggy Village had no real opportunities to grind or restock, we get to hang out at this rest stop for a bit.
Cascada: Are we about to get jumped again?
Steel: What a catastrophe… We’re without a car. But more catastrophic… Is the 6 Stand users I can sense within this rest stop!!
Cascada: WAIT WHAT
Steel: …Just messing with you. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I can only sense you 5 and Enya right now.
Cascada: one of these days i am going to feed you to my stand you asshole
Everyone is here and free to tag along. The restaurant has the same offerings as Kolkata and Varanasi.
I burned a bunch of these status drinks during the Justice fight. I stock back up and start rolling with Joseph.
Remember, the R patch removes random encounters, but this zone still has to let you grind somehow. Now this tile in the corner spawns in an enemy.
A trash mob that’s more annoying than anything else at this point, with shit EXP yield, but pretty much any battle would have pushed the old timer over the threshold. Everybody else can wait until the actual hub map.
Calling doner kebab “the hamburger of the Middle East” is such a bizarre statement to me. First off, we’re in Pakistan, which I don’t think of as the Middle East. It strikes me as more South or West Asia. If we were actually in the Middle East this would probably be shawarma instead.
Secondly, hamburgers as your point of comparison? Really? I guess if you’re using “hamburger” here to spiritually mean “fast food”… The sandwich-y version of doner kebab imagined here wasn’t really popularized until the 1960s, introduced to our lily-white friends in Europe mostly via Turkish immigrants in Germany.
Joseph: Ten bucks?
Joseph: …I thought it would be ten each…
Cascada: You really ARE British…
Remember when I said JoJo presents everyone in countries that aren’t Japan as crooks and swindlers?
The text boxes in this game usually don’t include the manga’s narration. It’s making my job harder (I have to upload more images) and I don’t like it.
Joseph: Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Polnareff: If Abdul were here, he’d know how to handle this…
Cascada: You got six plane tickets from Japan to Egypt overnight, chartered a ship in Hong Kong, AND bought a brand new Land Cruiser without batting an eye, but you’re haggling over LUNCH?
Kakyoin: It’s the principle of the matter, Cascada. An automobile corporation is an inherently trustworthy entity, but we can’t let these foreigners swindle us.
Jotaro: …Give me a @#S% break…
30 American Cents in 1988 money would have been about 5 Pakistani rupees and 40 paise (aside: Pakistani rupees haven’t used paise subunits for a decade), but I have no idea how much a kebab would have actually cost in Pakistan in 1988. I looked up current prices from a random kebab shop in Karachi and a lamb doner goes for 1779 rupees, which as of this writing is about $6.40.
Cascada: Not even fo-
Enya: Not even for a delicious doner kebab!
Cascada: Damn.
That was no mere kebab stand owner! It’s an enemy Stand-user!
Polnareff: W-what!? These tentacles…
Enya: Why did you come to kill me…! Steely Dan!!
Steely Dan: Lord Dio trusts no-one. I came here to shut you up for good… And to take care of these five.
Enya: Gggghhhhhh… Blaauuugghhh!!
Polnareff: Enya!
Polnareff: What the hell was that for!? She’s on your side!
Enya: You’re… you’re lying… Lord Dio would… never… do this to me…
Kakyoin: The thing coming out of her face isn’t a Stand! It’s tangible!
Cascada: I-is that… Could it be!?
Kakyoin: It’s a flesh bud!
Polnareff: Enya!
Joseph: It… it disintegrated in the sunlight! It’s made from Dio’s cells! That’s a flesh bud!
Steely Dan: Indeed! Good observation! Dio planted the bud in her body. I just made it grow. Enya… I heard that you were the one who taught Lord Dio about Stands. But did you really think he’d trust a lowly old woman like you with his secrets? Did you think you were special?
Enya: -huff, huff, huff-
“The secret of Dio’s Stand” is practically a McGuffin unto itself for the rest of Part 3. I pointed this out during the Emperor & Hanged Man update: Araki’s realized by this stage that for the story to be narratively satisfying, the heroes can’t win until they figure out what their enemy’s Stand can do and subvert it somehow. Dio is the looming final boss, and his Stand looms equally.
Alas, pretty much everybody knows by now what it does via memetic spread.
Steely Dan: !!
Joseph: Tell us! Enya, he’s betrayed you! You put all your hopes in Dio, but he just proved that he doesn’t care about you at all! He’s not the man you thought he was! We have to defeat Dio! Please! We’re counting on you! Tell us!! What is Dio’s Stand!?
Enya: Lord… Dio…
Steely Dan: Pft… heh heh… heh heh heh heh heh… Ha ha ha! How sad… heh heh heh! What a sad old granny! I can’t believe she actually thought that Lord Dio cared for her! I guess that’s just how powerful his influence is… Heh heh heh heh heh!
Polnareff: My feelings towards Enya are complicated… She was the mother of my sister’s killer… But I’m going to kill you.
Steely Dan: Awww, sad you lost your sugar momma, Polnareff? Boo hoo!
Kakyoin: Polnareff… there were cougars in our area and you were holding out on me…?
Joseph: …
Kakyoin: Even though this is a 5 on 1, we won’t hold back. Prepare yourself.
Cascada: …I can’t say that that woman was a good person… But you’re too low to even be called a person at all. You’re disgusting!
Steely Dan: At least I bathe regularly! Your body odor is so strong it’s overpowering the delicious doner kebab.
Jotaro: Don’t put on airs, idiot. We’re coming for you whether you’re ready or not.
Steely Dan: By all means, go ahead! But you’ll never be able to lay a finger on me, Steely Dan! Becaus-
Cascada: M-Mr. Joestar!?
Polnareff: Mr. Joestar went flying the same way Steely Dan did!
Steely Dan: Nggh… Idiot… You should let me finish! You almost killed your own grandfather… As I was saying… Did you think I came here just to get rid of Enya?
Joseph: B-bastard…! You said your Stand was the Lovers… J-just what does it do!?
Steely Dan: It’s already started working, Mr. Joestar. Fools… You can search all your want, but I guarantee you won’t find my Stand.
Joseph’s sprite does a little hop here.
Oops! This is probably meant to be Polnareff’s line.
Steely Dan: You still haven’t noticed, Joseph Joestar!? My Stand can go inside people’s bodies! The instant Enya died, it flew into your brain through your ear!
Kakyoin: My Stand can go inside people too. That’s nothing special.
Steely Dan: Only through the mouth! If your Stand is a common hamburger, then mine is a delicious doner kebab!
Joseph: What!?
Steely Dan: To be specific… It’s in the brain stem, the part of your brain where all the nerve endings are. Now, can you guess why?
Steely Dan: Plus, my Lovers brought one of Dio’s spores along with it! It’s making it grow inside your brain! In about 10 minutes, your brain will be devoured and you’ll die just like Enya!
If you remember Update 5, I complained that Joseph didn’t just use the Ripple to immediately fry the flesh bud in Kakyoin, and I’m going to complain about it again right now. At least here you could argue that even without the flesh bud, Lovers is going to cause enough damage on its own.
Typical child. Torturing senior citizens for fun and profit.
Steely Dan: In truth, my Stand, Lovers, is extremely weak. It doesn’t even have the strength to move a strand of hair. It may be the weakest Stand in history… But you don’t need power to kill. Understand? If I were in a traffic accident… Hit by a baseball… Even if I were to trip and fall… Your body would sustain that damage several times over, Mr. Joestar.
Joseph: Nngh… Even my prosthetic hand can feel it!
Steely Dan: And in 10 minutes, you’ll end up just like Enya…
Okay, I know this is JoJo, shit often doesn’t make logical sense and we like it that way, but! The idea here is that Lovers is doing this not via some special Stand ability, but by directly attacking the nerves in Joseph’s brain. That could certainly be painful, and if Lovers decides to sever the brain stem or something then it could obviously be fatal, but it’s not like the injuries are actually happening to Joseph. If Steely Dan’s arm broke then it would hurt like hell but Joseph’s arm wouldn’t break, would it?
Kakyoin: Jotaro, calm down! Don’t do anything stupid!
Jotaro: I’ll kill him in the blink of an eye… I won’t give him a chance to feel any pain.
Steely Dan: In the blink of an eye? Wow, great idea! Why don’t you try it, Jotaro? Interesting… Where are you going to hit me? My face? My throat?
Jotaro: I was thinking I’d rip your balls off…
Joseph: NO!!!
Steely Dan: What’s wrong? Try it! What’ve you got to lose? Open up a hole in my lungs! Maybe you don’t want to use your Stand… How about a rock? Here, this one looks plenty big enough.
Kakyoin: Primal theory has been disproven for decades.
Both: GET HIM WITH THE ROCK JOTARO
Steely Dan: Urk…
Joseph: Ngh! -koff, koff-
Kakyoin: Don’t be hasty, Jotaro! You’ve already seen what he can do! Are you really going to kill your grandfather!?
Polnareff: I wouldn’t put it past him…
Steely Dan: Y-you really had me going there… YOU have no right to be talking down to ME.
Joseph: Jotaro!!
Kakyoin: W-what should we do…?
Steely Dan: Let me be clear here, Jotaro. After that geezer kicks the bucket…
Cascada: Watch out!
Jotaro: Ngh!
Steely Dan: I’ll implant my Lovers in your brain and kill you, too!
Polnareff: T-this is terrible…
Steely Dan: Wahahahahahahahahaaaa!!
This is a slightly mundane way of putting it. Joseph (Young) got his ass kicked some ancient Aztec super-vampires but managed to get a couple licks in. In respect for his gumption, instead of killing him outright they used their flesh manipulating powers to stick a ring filled with poison around Joseph’s heart, set to trigger on a time limit.
Kakyoin: -whisper, whisper-
Joseph: ! Good idea!
Kakyoin: Let’s try to get a safe distance away. I hate to say it, but we’ll have to leave the enemy to Jotaro… Polnareff! Come with us!
Polnareff: Uh, sure!
Cascada: In that case, I’ll…
Now, ordinarily, we’d be all for the option where The Machine ends up in the boss fight so she can blast it down with her cool arm cannon. Unfortunately, we can’t do that this time, for reasons that will be apparent shortly.
Cascada: He might even pull it out, and that’d just be a disaster.
Joseph: I see your point!
Jotaro: -frown-
Kakyoin: Got it. We’re counting on you!
The screen fades to white as the rest of the party bails. Not sure why, because it immediately cuts back to the same shot.
Steely Dan: Oh, I see how it is… They think that if they get far away enough, my Stand will disappear. Unfortunately, the weaker the Stand, the longer the range… And with my Lovers being as weak as it is, its range surpasses any other Stand’s. It must be about… 60 miles?
Steely Dan: Hmph. Are you going to follow me until Joseph dies?
Jotaro: Your name is Dan, right?
Steely Dan: STEELY Dan! You have to say the whole thing!
Jotaro: I’m going to make you pay.
Steely Dan: Heh heh heh… In that case, I’d better rack up my debt while I can! Let’s take a look inside your wallet… Tch! Is this all you’ve got!?
TAG Heuer is a luxury Swiss watch brand, the kind where the low end of the price scale is still like $4000. The TAG stands for “Techniques d’Avant Garde”, which I find inexplicably funny.
Meanwhile…
Joseph: Did you think we were just running away, Polnareff? We’re gonna fight the Stand from inside the brain!
Kakyoin: You’re helping too, Polnareff.
Polnareff: Huh?
Polnareff: S-so there’s a tiny Stand inside Mr. Joestar’s brain… That much I get, but… How are we gonna fight this thing?
Kakyoin: We’re going to send our Stands into Mr. Joestar’s body and exterminate it! Since Stands are just projections of our energy, we can just shrink them!
Polnareff: A-are you for real, Kakyoin!?
Kakyoin: I’ll show him! My Stand can go in through the ear, too!
Joseph: Hey, be gentle!
Polnareff: We’re really gonna do it!?
Kakyoin: Time is of the essence! Let’s go, Polnareff!
Let’s take a brief detour into another timeline here where Cascada went with the boys.
A handful of player Stands - the ones that are closer to being objects than creatures - can’t shrink down. Since Cascada can’t fight the boss anyway, might as well send her with Jotaro to get those tiny scraps of unique dialogue.
Okay, back to reality.
Did you think “laparoscopy” would be on the list of Hermit Purple’s powers?
The timer begins ticking, which I understand will stress out some of you so much that you might never play this video game. I’m here to tell you that it’s not really a problem as long as you aren’t getting up and making a sandwich (even then, honestly).
All throughout the ear canal map are flesh bud encounters meant to slow you down more than anything else. They’re chumps and have a 5% chance to drop the best healing item in the game, but that’s no reason to waste time fighting them.
This is also a similar situation to the Ghost Ship. The normal version of the game has these as random encounters while the R patch has them as obstacles in your path moving back and forth.
The timer ticks down in battle and while dialogue boxes are up, but it stops if you’re in the menu.
I get turned around and spend a solid minute going down this dead-end spiral. …“Dead-End Spiral” is also the name of my next band.
I went down pretty much every wrong path possible and blundered into a bunch of fights and still had almost 7 minutes to spare. No problem.
Joseph: H-hold on a minute! Those are Stands! Can’t you just phase through it?
Kakyoin: No, not at this size… The wall’s too thick. Don’t worry, the hole will be microscopic. It’s going to take a couple minutes to burrow through. If we don’t, the enemy will do even worse damage… It may even be doing so as we speak.
Polnareff: Staying this small is pretty tiring… Let’s make this quick.
Meanwhile…
Steely Dan: Hey, Jotaro. Be a bridge for me so I can cross.
Jotaro: …
Steely Dan: What, are you not gonna do it?
Jotaro: Are you screwing with me?
Steely Dan: Yes, obviously.
Cascada: ! …J-Jotaro!
Steely Dan: Are you deaf AND stupid!? I told you to become a bridge! If I kick this barrel here, Joseph will feel it multiplied several times over! Are you just gonna stand by and watch, you ungrateful brat!?
Jotaro: …
Cascada: (Please… don’t pull it out…)
Steely Dan: All right… Now, Jotaro… Just keep your mouth shut and listen to what I say.
Jotaro: …
Steely Dan: Hm? Hey, Jotaro! My back itches. Scratch it.
A lot of misattributed text boxes lately.
Joseph: A-ahhh! Ohhh…
Polnareff: Hey, what’s wrong!?
Joseph: I-I feel like my back is being tickled… I-I can’t concentrate on my Stand! Ohhh… O-ohhhhhhh!!
Kakyoin: Ah!
Everyone else on the street has turned to look at the old white man groaning while pressing his hands up against the glass and watching the TV showing the fleshy insides of the human body.
Polnareff: Kakyoin! Just buy the TV so we can get out of here!
Kakyoin: I-I can’t carry an entire CRT television by myself!
Steely Dan: …! (Tch… So they’ve made their Stands go inside Joseph’s body… Do they intend to fight me? I can see them… They’re going through the blood vessels to the medulla oblongata, where my Lovers is hiding… Hmph!)
Polnareff: There it is!
Kakyoin: L-look! It’s digging up brain cells with its claws and using them as fertilizer for the spore! We have to defeat him before he digs up the spore’s roots!
Polnareff: No problem! Leave it to me… I’ll chop him to bits! …No, not into bits… Into chunks, like a turnip!
Kakyoin: That seems like a needless distinction at this stage.
Polnareff: It’s easier when you’re in a hurry.
Polnareff: Not bad… But that speed doesn’t hold a candle to that of my Chariot! You’re 10 years too early! Ora!!
Polnareff: N-no… It was too shallow! He’s seriously fast… But I can read him like a book. He’s no match for me.
Kakyoin: Polnareff… Who are you talking to!?
Kakyoin: Polnareff! That’s not me! Neither is the Lovers you cut… Look! It’s dissolving!
Polnareff: Wooaaagghhhhhh!! Whaaat!?
Steely Dan: I’m in a great mood today! I want my shoes so clean that I can see the sky in them!
Steely Dan: W-w-what the hell is this!?
Jotaro: It’s all the things you owe me. Mark my words, I’ll make you pay for them… I’m a bit forgetful, so I’m writing them down.
Steely Dan: ! …A-are you screwing with me!? What gives you the right!? You little shit! Heh heh heh… I just got an idea… Hey, you over there. You’re coming with me, too.
Cascada: (I shoulda gone with Mr. Joestar…)
Steely Dan: In Aesop’s fable, the tortoise beats the hare because it knows the extent of its abilities! Same goes for me! I know that I don’t have the power or speed to inflict mortal wounds… My plan was in motion from the moment I admitted my own weakness!
Kakyoin: Emerald Splash!!
Joseph: Polnareff! That’s enough! Bring your Stand back! I can’t watch you get hurt because of me!
Kakyoin: …W-what about me?
Joseph: …
Polnareff: Ugh… This is getting us nowhere!
Joseph: Pull back! You’re going to die!
Kakyoin: No matter how hard I look, I just don’t get it! Where’s the real thing!? Where’s the Stand!?
Like the Joey fight in Varanasi, this is a situation where only one of the various Lovers enemies is the “real” one that will end the battle when defeated. They’ll all chip away at you every turn and try to hit you with status effects like Berserk that prevent you from selecting targets.
We know how to deal with this shit, though. If we don’t know where to hit, then hit everything!
Each “clone” has a chance to drop Meat Spray, a reference to a Stand from Part 7 (Steel Ball Run). It restores 20%+55 HP and each one can be used 5 times, like Bottled Water. We get five out of this battle; a solid boon.
Whether you inflict enough damage to “defeat” Lovers or a certain number of turns pass (only the real one drops EXP and money, so there’s the proof I managed it), things proceed the same way.
Steely Dan: Heh heh heh… As if! You really thought that was me!? Idiots! I don’t even need to fight you… I’ll just evade until you die from the torment!
Kakyoin: Ugh… I can’t keep this up much longer…
Steely Dan: Heh heh… Heheheh… Hahaha!
Steely Dan: If I give it to a girl as a present, she’ll be thrilled… See the slots in the glass, Jotaro? I want you to pull it out with your Stand. Don’t make me repeat myself, dumbass! Hurry up and steal it!
Jotaro: I promised Gramps I wouldn’t pull it out…
Steely Dan: Fine then… I’ll just shatter the glass and steal it myself! But if I get caught and they kick my ass, Joseph will probably die from the pain… C’mon, do it! The clerk’s back is turned!
Jotaro: Ugh…
Steely Dan: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! This guy just stole somethiiiing!!
Jotaro: ! …You piece of…
Steely Dan: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
I’d say Pakistan is still in Asia…
We get some generic “beating up” sounds here as the screen fades to black.
Yeah yeah, random customer. We’ve all heard that one before.
Steely Dan: Hee hee hee! Haw haw haw haw!! Nice job! Thanks to your distraction, I made off with something even better!
Jotaro: Hm… hm hm hm… Heh heh… Heh heh heh…
Steely Dan: Mmgh… Hey! What’s so funny!?
Jotaro: Heh heh heh… Nothing. I’m just so excited for when I finally get to kick your ass that I can’t keep it in…
Steely Dan: You little…!! I don’t think you understand the situation you’re in… Your grandpa is going to die within seconds!
Jotaro: Heh heh heh… You really don’t get it.
Cascada: -whispering- …Do WE? We’ve known him for two weeks.
Jotaro: He’s a cougar-hunting dandy who sucks on cherries and thinks he’s the smartest person in the room at all times.
Cascada: …okay, I mean, yeah…
Jotaro: Heh heh… Ha ha ha…
Steely Dan: Yeah, laugh it up… If that’s how you feel…
Cascada: Oh, NOW I’m here?
Steely Dan: It’s a little hard to miss you! Har har!
Cascada: Get better material, asshole.
I knew the dialogue changed if you were playing as a female player character, but I didn’t know until now that it also changed depending on which body type you picked. If you aren’t playing as the Short or Chubby types, he’ll outright threaten assault rather than public humiliation.
Cascada: You probably couldn’t handle this anyway.
Steely Dan: All right… in that case, let’s start the show! Heh heh heh heh!
Cascada: …“When the enemy is sure they’ve won…”
Jotaro: …“They’ve already lost.”
Steely Dan: Whaaaaaaaaat!?
Steely Dan: Geh!! When did it touch me!?
Kakyoin: It’s you!! You were hiding behind the flesh bud!
Steely Dan: Gnyaaaaaaggghhhhh!!!
Polnareff: We got 'im!!
Kakyoin: It knows it can’t win this fight, so it’s fleeing! It’s trying to leave Mr. Joestar’s brain!
Joseph: What? It’s leaving?
Polnareff: That’s great!
Polnareff: There it goes! It’s heading back!
Kakyoin: This isn’t good… Jotaro doesn’t know about it yet!
Joseph: I’d better get rid of this flesh bud… Overdrive!
The TV anime includes a bit here where Joseph zaps the flesh bud with his Ripple powers. The manga doesn’t.
Steely Dan: -huff, huff, huff, huff-
Jotaro: Hey now, where do you think you’re going? Did something happen to my grandpa over there? Mind sharing?
Jotaro: You, who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
Steely Dan: (Just a little longer… My Stand will return soon! That idiot Jotaro has no idea what he’s in for!)
Steely Dan: Gnyaaaaagghhhhh!! M-my arm! My leg!
Jotaro: You must’ve thought you were pretty clever. But you must’ve known about Star Platinum’s incredible precision… Did you research us at all before coming here?
Steely Dan: I-I-I didn’t mean to do anything! That Stand of yours…
Jotaro: “That Stand of yours”? Excuse me?
Steely Dan: N-no! Y-your Stand’s strength and sense of justice is unparalleled, honorable one!
Cascada: And mine?
Steely Dan: I… have no idea what your Stand is but I’m sure it’s cool and strong!
Cascada: Weak answer. Kick his ass, Jotaro.
Steely Dan: I-I wasn’t really trying to go in through your ear… I was just retrieving it! Honest!
Jotaro: …Never show your face in front of us again. You hear?
Steely Dan: I promise!! I promise!! I’ll go all the way to the gates of Hell if it means never meeting you again!
Jotaro: You’re not lying? If I ever see you again, I’ll beat you to death.
Steely Dan: I would never! I wouldn’t dare lie!
Jotaro: Hmm… Then I’ll leave you to it. Get the fuck out of here.
Steely Dan: …Jotarooooo… Gwahahahahahahaha!! You fooooool!!
I believe this was a child passersby in the manga. Kinda sucks that Cascada has to take the role of damsel in such a situation, but it is what it is.
Cascada: ! …When did he…!?
Steely Dan: Good thing your stupid friend was here… Ha ha ha! Heh heh… Hm hm hm… Hahahahaha! I’ll stab you in the back with this knife! That way, we’ll both be crippled! Attack me with Star Platinum, and your friend is history! Or are you going to stand idly by as they die in pain!? Nhahahaha!
Jotaro: Go ahead. Stab me.
Steely Dan: Agh! Hey! Didn’t I tell you not to move!? I’m pretty sure I… told… you… Huh!? What!?
Jotaro: What’s wrong? Weren’t you gonna stab me? Like this…?
Steely Dan: Nnngyaaaahh!! M-my body won’t move… W-why!?
Jotaro: It’s like you said… The Stand and the user are connected.
Steely Dan: What!? Urgh! D-did you tie up my Stand!? How!?
Jotaro: You didn’t notice? Kakyoin used his Hierophant to tie your Stand up, then he let you escape…
Steely Dan: Ah… Eeeeeeeeek! Please forgive meeeeeee!!
Jotaro: If it’s forgiveness you want, ask Enya for it. We never intended to let you go free.
Cascada: It’s just as he says. Looks like you’ll be repenting in the next world soon…
Jotaro: You won’t even make it to Snake Way…
Cascada: Where the hell did you find Jump here in Pakistan? You’re holding out on me!
Steely Dan: …D-Dio gave me a lot of money to kill you! Y-you can have it all!
In the manga, this beatdown lasts for three whole pages. I had to cut this .gif down by over half to fit it within the upload limit. It rules.
Next time, we can finally escape the Manga Mandated Plot Zone and do some faffing about in a hub map. Thank fucking god. See you again!